As you guys know that i faced quite quarrelsome environment after marriage for sixteen years that i sent with my in laws in same house .
Hubby chose to marry me against the will of his mother who had strong hold on whole big family of one unmarried daughter ,three unmarried sons along with two married sons and their wives and children.
The eldest brother of my husband was also against me and he was kind of an assistant of his mother to create problems for me all the time. (Someday may be i will write book an autobiography )
His wife was naive and completely crushed by her husband and mother in law. She liked me very much though she was not allowed to be close to me because i could make her rebel (my mother in law and her husband opinion) as i used to tell her about her rights whenever i got chance.
Younger brother was neutral with nine children and a very clever wife .
She was the inspiration for previous post (yes dear Sandi you were right)
She was amazing in her skills of pretending .
I knew her nature from very beginning of my marriage though but i believed that she is harmless and i did not push her away when she pretended to be so kind and friendly .
Story of 27 years relationship is very long so i will highlight only her attitude and fake relationships she used to offer not just me but everyone around her.
I basically love all the people my kind Creator had created but i am introvert because i hardly found anyone loyal or trustworthy in my whole life . Most of them hurt abruptly inspite of all our love and empathy .
I gradually learnt that i just should be simply me and keep up my moralities no matter what others do to me because i had (have) faith that the goodness we do to others is not mostly returned by the same source but FROM THE CREATOR HIMSELF sooner or later .
When i first met her on my engagement party she tried to poison me against hubby by telling about his affairs ,she was not aware that hubby had already told me everything about his past in letters he used to write me each week.
I realized that she can be quite dangerous for one who has light ears (easily believes her)
On second day of my marriage she came to my room and broke the mirror gifted by hubby deliberately and pretended it was an accident .
Throughout the years she did so many bad things Including stealing ,backbiting ,putting blames on for things she did by herself on and on ) to me with her smiling face but i could not say her to " stay away " because i was not brave enough to resist the guilt that may be " i just hurt someone "
When she was friendly with me among all hatter i thought my constant love and care will change her attitude and things will slip to her heart from her tongue . As my mom said to me once that " CONSTANT LOVE CAN WIN THE HEARTS FINALLY"
But it never happened ,all my nice gestures failed to make her true to me . Nor i can ask her to step aside if you don't like me .
After few years (almost 3) of my marriage once i went to her room which was in same front yard i accidentally saw albums of family photos .
I was shocked to see that all my images were scratched so badly . Specially my face was totally ruined . I quickly left as she was not present and her 12 years old daughter could not realize what i had seen there.
All my assumptions were proven right front of my eyes but still i could not stop her to appear in my life as you are friend .
I don't know it was diplomacy or hypocrisy but i was not bothered by her hidden hatter . I was not the one who gave her reason to hate me and this was enough to remain satisfied .I felt sorry for her that she could not recognize a loyal friend in me !
She had never attended school so in beginning i tried to teach her basic things just like i did to my sister in law(wife of my brother ) previously .
I tried to motivate her for studies so may be she can obtain some light of consciousness from education but she was not interested in studies totally!
I never made her realize that i know her intentions when she brings that girl along in my house who was ex girlfriend of my husband .I served them with tea and friendly company instead of being rude .
She created misunderstandings between one of my cousin( daughter of my father's sister) who got married to one of my brother in law and made situation as worse that the couple is divorced now and the child is snatched away from his mother . Both victims are regretting now but things cannot be changed for better anymore.
Along with passing years i realized may be she was my subject .May be i was working upon her to see how my love can bring positive change to someone 's nature , because in past i witnessed that on my working places people slowly changed their behavior and became nice ,not just to me but to others too.
I took that one of biggest achievement of my life . I love to make people feel that ,this short life can be wonderful and beautiful without hatter and negativity against each other.
Anyway in longest quest of my life i failed and finally i accepted the defeat and stepped back .Because she was becoming more and more ignorant and unbearable or may be my health is effecting my will power so when one month back she came to invite us for wedding ceremony of her eldest son we said we will come but we did not go.
image exploringyourmind.com ,loved the line under image
"some doors are better to close"
She called many times since then but i did not receive any.
I honestly don't know this is right or wrong but i am tired of being diplomatic or hypocritical whatever .....
"I don't know it was diplomacy or hypocrisy but i was not bothered by her hidden hatter . I was not the one who gave her reason to hate me and this was enough to remain satisfied .I felt sorry for her that she could not recognize a loyal friend in me !"
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing amount of grace, Baili. The ability to forgive has placed you above this situation. It is very freeing to see!
Life has kept me in constant practice with such situations dear Sandi!
DeleteSo I went through it step by step
I am grateful for insight that God has given me to keep myself composed and focused and release my anger in only most needed situations
I mean when a situation demands anger not to calm me but to show opponent that they will face aggression if they crossed the limit
Otherwise I was always harmless a motherly figure for people around me.
Your post is very sincere and I think that you have a lot of insights. You raise such an important point in that one should stick to their values regardless of how people around you are behaving.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for trying for so long with your relative Sadly some people will not change no matter how much good will you show them. I have been through it myself. In the end, sometimes one has to move on.
Thank you dear Brain!
DeleteSorry that you too went through such painful situation!
My husband and later my eldest son advised me often to cut off the relationship with her but May be unconsciously I wanted to test my patience and her selfishness
I am glad I reached to a peaceful end finally
Best to live separate lives as much as possible..
ReplyDeleteIt is important to stick to your values despite what others are doing. It is the easier path to live with personally though others can make it tough.
ReplyDeleteYou tried, some people it is just best to cut them quietly out of your life...no explanation to them is necessary.
ReplyDelete"Light ears" I like that one and am going to steal it.
Diplomacy means that there is hope for a beneficial outcome for both parties. You believed you could convince your sister-in-law that being friends was better than trying to hurt one another. When you realized that diplomacy would not work you cut ties. You were not hypocritical in any way. Your sister-in-law was because she was presenting herself as one thing and being another. You are wise to stay away from her if you can. By the way bringing the former girlfriend was a cruel act. You were a gracious hostess which shows your class as a person.
ReplyDeleteI think as Christine does …
ReplyDeleteIt's better to live separate lives …
All the best Jan
You have a big heart, Baili, and you certainly gave your sister-in-law every opportunity to change her ways. Some people you just have to let go. I am sorry that you went through such a long and difficult time. I can't even imagine! Always, you have to be true to yourself, and you were. XOXOX
ReplyDeleteI wonder what made her so unhappy. Someone who behaves in such a bitter and hateful way is not happy inside. I think your decisions is the right one. It's certainly what I would have done. Staying away from toxic people is important for our health and well-being!
ReplyDeleteYou reached out to her in love and friendship. She rejected you repeatedly. God blessed you with strength of character. You did right.
ReplyDeleteI like the "Light ears" as well.
The priest that married me told me days before the wedding to always remember that marriage is saying goodbye to the parents.
ReplyDeleteIf we are not able to say goodbye to the parentes the marriage probably will not survive.
Sad, you have been wise to step away. I hope she cannot spoil your sons and stays away from you.
ReplyDeleteBest thing you could do is not answer her. You can't change people no matter what you do, they are what they are.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wicked woman...sorry you went through that Baili but you kept your dignity which is important. You can't change anyone, people will only change if they want to. I think that shutting that door and keeping it locked is a good idea.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a big heart, baili. And when a person has a big heart, it is hard to give up on others even if they have been hurtful over and over. But there comes a time when we must say, enough is enough, there is no change in the situation and we can create more happiness in the world by focussing on the other people in our lives. Do not let it trouble you, although I know that's easier to say than to do. Big hugs for you, my kind friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are so honest and you have such a good heart, thank you for sharing this story☺
ReplyDeleteShe returned your kindness with hate. I think your solution of "i just should be simply me and keep up my moralities no matter what others do to me" is the best path to follow.
ReplyDeleteOlá! Boa noite!
ReplyDeleteNeste mundo virtual encontramos de tudo, mas o seu blog é maravilhoso, vale a pena seguir e já estou ficando, com certeza voltarei mais vezes.
Criamos um blog para nossa escola- RAIMUNDO HONÓRIO, recém-nascido, mas será um prazer ter você seguindo e nos impulsionando com este trabalho virtual que estamos organizando no nosso cantinho que também é de todos!
Tenha um fim de semana feliz e abençoado. Abraços.
Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to realize that no matter how hard we try, there will be people who can never be pleased or happy and then it’s time to take care of yourself. You certainly did try to be a good friend, Baili.
ReplyDelete