Monday, March 29, 2021

Why Was She Special ?

 I had a busy day today  so could not reply to comments that i found today on my latest post.

When i read them now i wanted to type reply immediately but some comments such as by Joe ,Pedro and and Marie made me write this post .

First Marie who asked if girls are still getting married at 12 ?

No ,it is not like that ,even thirty years ago  when i was young girls were married around 20 or 20 plus .I got married when i was 20 .

I was elder daughter ,her painful memories and mourning  influenced my life to quite  extent .I was more boyish than girl but very much in hate with opposite gender .I wanted to stay with her till my last breath and look after her .

I could not do so because of troubles created by my brother and his wife .Those were frustrating times but i still felt strengthened because i had my mother beside me like a mountain .I could not do anything for her ,this pain seems to has seated within my bones.But when i think about what she would have done if she was in my place .Answer keeps me stay strong and have faith.

Joe  and  Pedro ,As mom told often story how she got married in such young age i remember that the man she got married to was some relative to my grandma .My grandfather was in army so he was some kind of help in outdoor chores sometimes.There was some argument arisen between my grandma and ex in laws of that man.His real name was Akbar and he was a widow. He was a supervisor in a Mill situated in Khairpur(my present city) for many years. He occasionally  visited village and visited my grandma either as she was his cousin and like big sister to him.

Once during such visit issue between those relatives of Akbar and my grandma worsened and they accused as she was planning to make Akbar son in law.My mom told he was like uncle to him and she was just little girl playing around  with girl friends.

My grandma was brave outspoken and stubborn lady and her stubbornness cast my her little daughter life time pain and suffering.My grandma challenged  Akbar that now it is matter of honor and he cannot step back. In short Akbar and My mom became officially husband and wife  in the presence of one religious molana(priest) and two witnesses.Akbar went back to his job in Khairpur  after few days .Mom  had to join him later in few months.My grandma did not knew about Akbar's character and cruelty and how had she known this and how reacted it is another story. My mother's two step brothers also lived in this city as Khairpur was quite  prosperous industrial city then .According to my mom and aunt there were lots of Mills and people were happy with abundance of jobs.Now there is no mill here .Everything is ruined by political tricks and unemployment is second biggest problem after copy culture .

It was an accidental Marriage .

Why i found her special ?Because people who suffer because of others for no reason they became irritatingly annoying mostly .They complain a lot.And ct as they feel nothing anymore .They become heartless and selfish and much more.

But my mom was innocent like a child at her heart despite of all she went through.She lost her precious son ( thirteen or may be ten i am sorry for not being accurate as my mom's diary is with my sister and i can't say i remember it correctly.Yes she had a diary though it had only birth dates of her children.And she lost him because of her husband.One can imagine how she she felt and how painful was living with this fact specially with my father.

She was true fighter.She survived this trauma and came back to life.She looked after us us place called home.Reconnected with all relationships she left behind for more than decade .She seems have great wish to extract life from each moment she had once again.She was caring daughter and sister and whole village witnessed it.

Most importantly she stood for our education .If it was not her we were married to any ignorant villager forcefully when adult and  could not be able to study or learn things and life as we know today.Her dare to stand before her brother for us gave us life we have right now not just us but the way our education worked for our children is really reason to be as grateful as i feel now.

She though saw toughest times in life but those times could not turn her heart into a rock that gets no affect of emotion.When i finished school.Five times people came to mom from city of Rawalpindi ,Islamabad and surrounding towns for my hand and they had  far better economical status than us.What grandma had done to my mother could not make her thoughtless enough to say yes to those people without knowing my consent .And this was her second biggest favor in my life after education.

She was special because she  could keep her inner innocence safe during all ugly circumstances .When i think of her deeply i want go somewhere  quite and alone and start to write book about her.I hardly saw such person around  in my life again.

 This photo frame had a photo of me and my mom .it was my most favorite one .taken on my engagement day .i was standing with mom placing my head upon her shoulder .My younger sister threw it almost ten years ago during her one visit and snatched the photo and torn it into pieces . this left me heartbroken completely .Next day i put the name of Allah who is  true guardian of all us !

Thank you for bearing me precious kind friends!

Sunday, March 28, 2021

My Mom Was Special Person !

I was reading  Christine 's post and it opened up a window of old memories.

My mother was special in many ways .i know everyone finds his mom special but i say because she  had not attended any formal school nor she watched tv shows where we can learn ideas how to keep everything in order in physical and social life . She was simple person.She had ability to love others around her  unconditionally .

She got married when she was only 12 and to a man who was almost 36 or more.It was her first marriage .She used to tell us stories about pains she beard during in those ten years.Her first husband was though from same village but flirt and cruel man.

Despite of all bad memories she would still care for him when she saw him sick and helpless in his native home .She visited him and said she forgave him.One of His daughter this later to me that when she sad so he was crying badly.

Mom got married to my father when she was in her early twenties .They made a beautiful couple but only physical beauty is not enough  to make life successful . My father loved her but he had few flaws and being irresponsible was one of them. 

Despite of their minor differences my parents lived together and i think it was because they still love each other .I think it was after fifteen years of their marriage when space between them became unfillable .My elder brother had diagnosed with tuberculosis and had admitted to  the hospital in city Jamshoro near Karachi .My father had to stay with my brother meanwhile as sole attendant .They had to stay there for two or three months .Mom and me and my  two other siblings visited them in a week or two.

My father could not take the burden and brought the brother at home.This happened twice .It was against doctor's directions  and they had warned already that if treatment was broken in the middle you will loose your child.And same thing happened .I don't want to step down in truly painful memories as it can cause me mental damage i believe .

In short my brother died with t.b and my parents became strangers to each other .They did not talk to each other for long .My father knew he was guilty and so mom.Doctors suggested my father to change the place so may my mother can return to life.Here came My native village .We moved here .I was am not certain about my age but the way things appear in my mind i can say i was three or four.

The all pains and sufferings that come on the way to my mother none of them can snatch her "goodness" and "wisdom" from her.She was like huge sky upon our head ,protecting us from sun and shower.Like a strong undefeated shield saving us from all harms thrown at us .

She was Incredible 

 my mom holding my younger sister when we moved to native town after brother's death 

person.Her heart was filled with love like an ocean.Her love for life and people was astonishing despite of threats she got from both. She would cry for her late child like he died while ago .Specially on special days like Eid .But after sometime she will bury that sorrow deep down in her heart and would return to normal life where she would keep herself busy with so many jobs and hobbies.Her return to her village influence her health in positive way .She would spend lots of time with parents and siblings (two real and three step).She made every lady in the village friend.She loved socialization in village though other wise she was not such active social person back in city.She had few friends in City (same city where i live now).She would call them her teachers as she was so young when married so they were the neighbors who well come her and treat her like little sisters,She told that one of them taught her how to cook delicious meals.She visited her friends when she came to see me after my was touching moment!

She could not make a dream house for herself but by selling her some jewelry she managed to have roof upon our head.She had a huge iron box .I think it was  eight by five .She had her all special things in that box.Her amazing clothes like which i never saw again.Her crockery ,Her bed and pillow sheets embroidered by her.Her few coats that she draw later and made something else because there was no use of them .her knitting stuff,decoration pieces and lots of toys that she had bought time to time for my late brother.

She would open that box when it was utterly necessary.Like in summers to show things some sunlight.Her care for things was remarkable.She would often wish if she had appropriate shelves to place things properly .This wish of her was fulfilled quite later in life when my younger sister went to America and stayed there for six years.She earned enough money to make mom's dream come true eventually .But mom then was not in age to feel excitement of this achievement unfortunately. She was sixty almost.It was age when those things start to loose charm and meaning for one that were so special and necessary once.Still she passed almost ten plus years in that bungalow  kind of house and  enjoying occasional visits of children .

It was her wish to keep her things safe after her .She would say this to me specially to take care of things that she could not use satisfactorily. 

What makes me sad more that i could not do so for some reasons .Last year during my visit to native town when i was told by my sister in law that her stuff is ruined and withered because of  the carelessness of my younger sister .She  showed me some things that were destroyed   completely because they were gifted to one of my cousin but not me despite of my insistence .i love my younger sister she is like child to me but she does not like me unfortunately  because she thinks it is good to stay away from each other as our way of thinking are so different .this is beyond my understanding.

Things are nothing but memories belong to them make them special and priceless . but not all of us aware of this probably. 

thank you dear friends for bearing with me !

Thursday, March 25, 2021

A Natural Process That Makes Us Think Unnaturally

 It is beautiful airy day .Two days rain has brought freshness and sooth to views .I am enjoying the weather so much because i know that in  May this lovely weather will end and extreme heat will attack suddenly .I feel as i age it is hard to survive such heat .But if there is no way out one has to learn how to do so .Giving up is not my thing at all. I prefer die fighting. 

My sister in law still sends me text messages .She is doing this  since more than year now .I am happy to keep in touch with her .I cannot say i can forget what she did to me in past but i can remember that i was  not her and my actions should reveal what i was and what i am.I strongly believe that we should hate badness but not people with bad behaviors. I love giving benefit of doubt and try to keep my hopes high for the goodness in people.

I truly believe that God has installed basic instinct of "goodness" within us already so we know when we do something bad and feel embarrassed .I know so many people act they don't embarrass but still i believe that may be their vision is blocked by their ego ,they know they are wrong.

There are less people in this world that realize and correct their mistakes as they grow old.

Why some people choose to correct their mistakes and some not? .Why people are so different from each other ? I know there are countless factors that shape their behaviors and form their thought system ,

But , when i ponder upon human psychology i feel  that their is very basic flaw that plays most important role about how and from where we choose the way of thinking.

We come to this world with different brain than other species.

We look for Betterment  and to achieve this goal we practice various ways of thoughts. We face problems and learn how to solve them.This practice of different ideas makes our brain more flexible for new set of ideas.It is said that human brain is complex. I would say rules for successful life depicted by Nature are really simply and so obvious to neglect.

Balance and Harmony is key to peaceful life on planet.Human brain is designed to absorb knowledge from surroundings and match it with his own set of ideas formed by his own experiences and reach to conclusion.Conclusions are mostly different by people we know this well.

Why so ? 

I think we miss something here.Brain is a thinking machine. I think it works like running belt upon which are numerous bottles placed and coming to you speedily and if you not catch  at right time bottle falls down And you find pile near feet. But what about the part of belt that  went Empty meanwhile .It is okay about belt because it can be fill again.But it is not okay about human brain.

I think we are missing that delicate point that human brain needs to be filled with Correct ideas each moment otherwise Negative energy fill it with itself and things start to go wrong .For example air takes place if we don't pour water in the glass. Air is everywhere ,no mater how tightly you fill the holes it still makes it's way to enter .Exactly how Negative thoughts dominate our brain.Brain works by energy.It's function consists Thoughts ,so if we are being lazy and not providing it with Right thoughts we leave space for Wrong thoughts simply.

What are the wrong and right thoughts we all know.All thoughts that can be beneficial for us and for those around us  are right and all that can be harmful are wrong right?

But what  if i only care about  my own benefit and choose what can  benefit me but harm others on the same time ? .

Here seems "space" just like empty belt .

Because as human being i am born with "goodness" installed within me not "badness" so i strongly believe that i will never ever think decide  bad for me or for anyone around me.

There is Another reason that i will choose good for others too because i have ability to sense danger just like other species .As a human being i can sense not  just physical  threats  that can occur because of my  choice of incorrect option but i am given  Insight  as "Imagination " to sense how fatal can be consequences if my social and moral actions are wrong . I know that  removal of one single card can make the whole card palace fall down.My hidden misdeed will show it's damaging outcome sooner or later and i cannot deny this no matter how many books i can write and how clever i am .I will be  still a helpless tiny part of huge system and bound to follow rules to avoid  irreparable Loss .So if i am thinking correctly my decision will be for the goodness of all.

How do i know this ?

Because i am sent to survive and thrive as specie not just an individual.I am given Brain to think and solve issues that come in the way while doing so.Whoever has created me wants me live in the harmony with all co existents .Nature is the book to teaches me all these important lessons so why would i want bad for my co living beings unless they are threat to my survival.

I won't, but i still i do. Because i be lazy and stop reminding myself my basic information.Yes it is" Basic Memory  Function Disorder"  When i be lazy and let my brain go empty Negative thoughts fill it because it is natural process which makes makes me start think unnaturally .To live our Brain needs water and nutrition but to Function In A Healthy Way It Need Thoughts .If i don't give it .It takes it anyway from negative energy floating around us.So i need to feed it with Positive thoughts when i am thinking.

It is okay to do mistakes but we know no one likes doing them. Computer is mere a copy of our brain and we can see how it has dominated the all area of our life. We don't like our computer to make mistake  right? Although  mostly they are fixable .Then why we appreciate our ability to make mistakes?

Lesson that we learn from mistakes can be learn from other ways too don't you agree ?

We are making mess here by forgetting our very first and utterly necessary lesson that we are part of Nature .And as a part of Nature we have to follow it's divine rules. Abandoning them is revealing how destructive our attitude is ,so it will be better to realize and correct our mistakes.

Feeding our brains with  positive refined thoughts will be first step that can lead us towards better life.

Being advance in material by learning skills show us we can advance and decorate our "thought system " if we learn How to Think !

So let's try to think correctly ,try to not leave space or lapse in our thought belts and try to fill it with accurate and refined thoughts instead of trash that actually does not belong to us but make it's way because find space .

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Photos And Rain


It  has been raining since two nights here .Yes nights only because clouds appeared in evening with strong winds and heavy rain .They showered with short breaks till half night time and disappeared before sunrise .I missed rain in daytime but i am grateful for that it rained at least :) Needless to say but i will say obviously that weather has become GORGEOUS !Sky is looking enchantingly beautiful after bath and environment looks clean and lovely including my little garden. I love rain but the beauty it brings into views after stopping i love it even more ,so REFRESHING ! My spiritual waves find better signals of the phenomenal auras in such neat  environment so i live beyond my physical boundaries until this magic lasts :) Roaming within the limitless sky ,passing by the huge shiny stars ,dancing with trees ,diving in the ocean and floating over the lush greens oh i do all this  so freely when rain washes everything eyes can see :)

I feel like i am swimming within the ocean of divine energy  and this thought serene me and fill my heart with delight and gratitude ! Sharing  some random images to share my current feelings .

                                         little garden  looks as happy as my heart after rain :)

                                       these three flower images are captured week ago 

hubby's idea to place plants here in kitchen window  worked good for  our eyes of and for camera as well 

 photos from here belong to our trip to Islamabad in July 2020 ,we stayed one and a half month there ,our eldest son rented online this apartment  for us as eid gift which was on seventh floor .Rent fee was three time more than we usually pay but kids specially enjoy the luxury this place offered .Though hubby was annoyed with such high price but i asked him to not complain with this to our eldest son as he might get hurt as he thought he was pleasing his family .I took this and one below the day we were leaving. for home in last week of August .

staying away from home makes everyone feel miss that special feeling about being at home ,no matter how much routine keeps us busy at home the certain joy and peace within four walls is hard to grab during vacation while enjoying the luxurious and free environment  ,so you can see how happy kids look when luggage was packed and ubber was on it's way to take us railway station,Islamabad has such lovely weather and gorgeous lush roads ,parks ,hotel and markets where we visited regularly almost each day or evening still we were happy to get ready to be home again 

                                         few flowers captured from F.9 park Islamabad 

     we are not going this year so i will be missing everything about being there so much 

        specially these mystical views of  Muree that captivate the senses completely and for long

time we spent together walking on Muree hills ,the feel of being so high from sea level  7,515 feet almost was obvious with cilly air ,we felt cold in July :)
 i will miss my village ,though things are changed , five kids of my brother are grown and living there for extended time is not possible anymore still short visit to village and tombs of parent  makes me feel good ,Though hubby has decide for this year still i am not loosing hope if we can go ,otherwise i have tones of images in google photos ,u s bs and phone card along with golden beautiful memories in my heart :)

Wishing you all much health ,peace joy in days ahead dear friends!

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

Laws Of Attraction And Me

 As  i mentioned so many times i am not well read or well learned at any level .I completed my masters degree in English literature some years back .And i did this by buying books and reading them at home so i can prepare for exams .I was passed and i took this as an achievement as it was like dream come true.After that i hardly read any book though i bought few but could not finish them.I hardly  find time for blogging an hour or little more so not possible to explore or lean more things online even .Reason to share this here is that i knew nothing about laws of attraction except once my eldest son shared the definition of it with the reference of  Albert Einstein.

Last day when i sat front of laptop with my empty head i wrote "laws of attraction" on google search bar to get some inspiration .I was thrilled ,excited and shocked to learn that there are so many people and wise people who thought and felt similarly. We had guests last day and today either until evening so no energy to write post but i am sharing few quotes from the treasure i found.I felt this way since i have started to feel and i agree to  each of it fully .

Your Faith is your weapon ,shield, courage and victory against odds,save it in your heart and nurture it with undefeated longing for divine truth !

Blessings to all of you dear friends!

Saturday, March 13, 2021

My Sweet Little Cousin Died And Hemeralopia !

 I was busy in house cleaning while ago .As  it is airy season everything gets dusty like never been cleaned since ages .I like air filling soul in views and making them alive and vibrant but bad part of it is that i have to spend half of my day in setting things free of dust cage. They look happy when find freedom though in summer months this freedom don't last for long. Despite of air double my house chores i like it being around .From June winds and dust storm will start and cleaning will extend till evenings .One way or other life like to keep us busy and business is considered best entertainment by wise .

My younger son called from Islamabad while ago and told his Sat test went good .He called me at 12 :15 noon after leaving the examination hall and first question from me was did you have your breakfast in the morning ? He said yes he had light breakfast before leaving for test center .Then he informed that test went good .Afterwards i found my heart filled with gratitude which brought tears in my eyes and smile on lips at same time like always.

Meanwhile cellphone rang again and picked it up immediately with thought may my son wanted tell something .But it was my sister in law (brother's wife) .She informed that one of my cousin who was sick  seriously since some months has died yesterday.She told further that he was buried in the evening  yesterday as his wife did not inform her their son who live and work in Dubai.Dubai is two hour 's flight away from Pakistan .But she said no need to bother son.When son of my cousin was informed by some other family member ,he wanted to come and say goodbye to his father last time but his mother forbade him strictly not to do so.Boy annoyed and cut off phone and did not saw face of his father last time through video call.

Waheed was son of my mother's younger brother.He and two of his sisters had Hemeralopia a disease which makes impossible to see during daylight.His other two brothers were normal though. I remember waheed more because of his shy nature in his childhood.He was 5 or 6 years younger than me.He was only male cousin to whom i would play or talk when i was little because he was cute and sweet and not bothering like other boy cousins.He would often take my side and tell truth to the mom when i was troubled by any of my cousins .Mom would love him so much and he was like little brother to us.Though due to differences between his mom and my mother he would visit us less. As we grew up we met less but mom would tell he was most content teenager she saw.

He was fourteen when i got married .We were never in touch after i left village .I would find fragments of happening through letter mom would send .After six or seven years of my marriage i learnt that Whaeed has got married with a stranger woman to whom he met in place where he was working as domestic helper .That girl was employed in same house along with her one sister and cousin .She belonged to northern parts of our country.She purposed Waheed and he refuse while explaining that he cannot afford luxury of new family because he cannot provide it with life's necessities .She insisted that things will work better if he will join her as life partner.He refused again and then girl threat him one day that if he does not agree she will infame him and accuse him that he tried hands on her. My cousin agreed inevitably.After marriage he asked new wife to live in his native home with other family and his mother. She refused in the beginning  but agreed later when forced..Within less then month that quarrelsome girl made life tough for his family.She asked him to move to her area with her.She was with child so he had no choice.

After this departing with his family  he hardly appeared in village for months .His mother and family was though bit satisfied that Waheed  has started his own family at least and rest will be fine in time.Everything seemed smooth.But that girl who was married to him could never provide him comfort of "home" .He would tell good things about himself when visit to his mother .Like he has his own small  moving shop of kids garments .It was true  as he  was earning for himself and enough sometime that he would visit few of his female cousin who did not have good earning resources and helped them with little money.That  kind and  kindred spirit that he owned was astonishingly selfless. He had family of two sons and one daughter.But what he lacked was love and care he deserved as life partner .His wife continued her job as domestic help until today .But it was not the issue that she never make home place of comfort for him or for kids.She could not learn having balance between life and work and  chose and enjoyed  being free of house responsibilities . He and kids always ate what they brought from outside.Quality of  that food not good but harmful.His eye problem restrained from cooking and this made him terribly sick eventually .He got many health issues because of poor quality of food he took for more than 24 years .His both kidneys were damaged completely.Treatment started so late and so dialysis and so death took him away when he was in his early forties only!

When my sister in law told me that he is no more i felt something hold my heart in hands and pressing it. I was away from my village and my people who were lucky to mourn and say last goodbye to him. She told he had same  childlike innocence on his face inspite of all the sickness! With these words of her his cute sweet smiling face came front of my eyes and made me cry .I did not want to but i could not stop myself .I went into room where my youngest son was studying .I hugged him and tears broke the berriers.My son  was in shock and asked what is wrong ? I told him that one of my cousin has died.He hugged me back tightly and comforted me with his sweet words.

I wish i had photo of Waheed so i can share with you here but i did not have one .but i have shared the photo of his eldest son once in my here.

Life is bundle of happy and sad events indeed.Waheed of one of those people who may be are not bright enough to grab spark of attention .But he was like lantern who silently fight with darkness and provides light for those who seek.Light of goodness and kindness.He will be miss so many and it will be impossible to forget his amazing personality who inspired and touched many hearts quietly!

Blessings to all of you dear friends!

Monday, March 8, 2021

Hubby's Collage Lawn Has Flowers Everywhere

I   am  a poet and appreciation for   physical beauty of things is injected in my blood by Nature .But to me true meaning of beauty is "goodness" that shines through the character of people and things.Goodness that is the reason that world still exists despite of all worst  happenings. Goodness that makes life worth living .And goodness  that Nature reveals as it's basic behavior within it.Goodness that is all our Creator wants us to do spread as an individual .
So when i saw these images of flowers captured by hubby the goodness behind that exuberant bursting beauty made my eyes wet. Goodness that  heart of a gardener holds .And how that goodness runs like blood in his veins and turns into energy through his hands.And how this hard work transforms the barren land into a heavenly garden !

How foolish of me to witness this gorgeous garden of hubby's collage lawn and not share it with my precious blogger friends.Yes me and my forgetfulness  of course. There are three gardeners in hubby's collage who put so much hardwork to make this happen.Hubby's collage building is very old though and despite of so many applications for repair work no response .But the goodness of management and principal including assistant principal (hubby) things have changed since eight years.Hubby performed duties as   principal  for more than six years until the principal was appointed and sent to this commercial plus technical collage .During his principal era hubby started to take all matters in hand seriously and things started to improve including collage lawn.Hubby's love for gardening  make him focus on garden area of the collage specially. Since the new 19 grade principal has appointed since some years and hubby(17 grade) is back to his job as assistant principal but  his influence is still keeping things on right side.It is getting better which is great indeed.
Sharing  many photos of hubby's collage lawn dear friends ,i bet you will like them so much as i found them irresistibly beautiful!enjoy!

 Like mine hubby's phone is also Samsung g5 .We both bought at same year and same day most probably so result is not finer than my elder son's phone camera still images are delightful i believe  :)

Keep preserving Goodness within your heart and let it bloom like a garden within you will see another garden smiling outside and around you no matter where you go or live .This is fulfillment of the promise of dear Creator to his man :) Blessings to you all!
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