Despite of extreme heat (44 c) longer days seems to have fascinating beauty. Where short cold day of winters make me sit on cozy sofa in my spare time while holding a favorite book in one hand and hot cup of tea in other hand, hot and longer days of summer invite to daydream and get lost in beautiful memories of past while being busy in sweltering chores . I enjoy both as i have entered in phase where i don't put condition for being happy but embrace the present moment with all the venture or adventure it offers.
I was always a content child in the house ,most silent and most obedient one, yes in other words pathetic and duffer lol .Still i used to have some favorite conditions quietly for being happy as little girl such as swinging and playing with friends ,climbing on hills and trees and watching tv in early teens(11 to twelve years) though later only climbing trees and playing with friends were eliminated when as growing girl going out was forbidden but swinging in yard tree , reading books watching tv ,listening radio and visiting favorite places like friend's house ,park or museum were my favorite conditions to feel happy . As i grew old my conditions to be happy changed gradually.
After marriage i saw new face of reality and slowly i learnt in these thirty years that as far as we put conditions to be happy we remain restrained and unaware of numerous possibilities that can be open to us as chance of learning so many new things and adopting ways that can refresh our perspective and widen our horizons for bettering life.
I found this quote by Charles Swindoll so true in latter years of my life that ,
" Life is Ten percent what happens to you and Ninety percent how you respond to it " biggest truth of life i must say.
I consider myself fortunate that i learnt not to repeat my mistakes by self analysis and never hesitated to acknowledge my weaknesses and eliminating them one by one . But it did not start smoothly of course.
Life is strange and totally unpredictable and i learnt this slowly when after departing from my mother i was put into situations where i felt "stuck" in the beginning. Each condition put to be happy was denied and rejected ruthlessly others with authority. One after one wherever i knocked i faced "closed" door. While this compression was narrowing the world on me i realized that at the same time it was opening the door inside me of my Inner world little by little. It happened in many years that i felt that "easiness" and "availability " of things at time we want them also have another side of the picture though we don't see it mostly until the Designer of this life unveils it for us to look at this through glasses of hard lessons which turn our eyes towards it eventually.
We all speak through personal experiences and my experience makes me think that each of us is destined to do something particular in life. Some of us know already what it is and some of us are totally unaware of it though this "awareness" or "unawareness" both are part of destiny written in the book of Nature ( my opinion) .They both seems to don't matter because those who are Unaware of the meaning of their life are also lead mysteriously to do what they are meant to.
As being from lower middle class family i had no agenda for life but a little dream to earn for mom and comfort her. Uncharmed by everything that comes under the definition of "worldly stuff" i had my simple foolish heart with enormous love for life ,Nature and everything created within it. No Skills at all except honesty and simplicity. I was pointed out by some that with such empty hands i will be lost and left alone. Only i knew the peace i had within me .It was second most precious thing to me after my self respect which i tried to protect throughout the life. I was content with this peace but only i knew this.
That peace inside my heart was tiny like a sand particle laying in the desert but after all these years the fighting against negativity risen by circumstances or applied one i see how that tiny sand particle is transformed into a sun that shines within my soul ! When i contemplate the reason behind it i feel it is the "compression" and constant attempt of trying to make me feel "bad" . After keeping me puzzled with question "why me" for some years my curiosity to learn and achieve solution by digging to the roots of problems helped me to understand and feel good about what was going on . I remained upset until i felt panic about "what were they doing to me " But when i realized after reaching out to the bottom "why they were doing to me at first place" i felt better and calm . My response to their actions changed immediately and i chose to face the problem by following the laws of Nature . If you try to stop the flow of water it turns in other direction and if you try to hold it by surrounding it with walls water still makes it's way towards sky in the form of vapors ,you can change the direction of water but not what it written in it's destiny as "water"
So similarly i tried to fill holes (free time)with replacements of things that were conditions for my timely happiness. It was beginning of my new journey as student of life . The replacements i chose to fill holes of spare time reconnected me with my genuine love for learning. My passion for learning is growing everyday and if life stays and allows i think i will try to restart my studies though now i know what will i choose to learn. Anything that give clues about the origin of life ,math physics or neuroscience yes i am deeply interested in human brain and mind and how they both interact ,this is enchanting thing to learn indeed.
Although i know i have nothing but fondness for learning i hope Nature has written some success in my destiny in this field too as being a human a daughter ,sister ,wife, a mother i supported all whole heartedly .I did not do it intentionally but because it was installed in my genes as i know i am born with instinct to put others first so it was my destiny i believe. I want to see whether Nature supports me to achieve what i want to as a woman. The wish to study and be "something" is also part of destiny and still as poignant as it was thirty years ago all i want the answer destiny has for this .
Love you all !
Please take great care !