Monday, May 31, 2021

Corruption Is Allowed Only


It is second day of  temperature  dropping from 50 centigrade to 40 . Sorry for my ignorance as i don't know the reason behind this kindness though no news of rain around here  except in northern  areas including my home town.All i know that i am feeling less sick and dizzy and breathing is not a task.Let's see how long this miracle lasts .

I want to thank all of you for kind and sweet comments on my previous post.Some of you wondered about how people get away with electricity bill theft. I wanted to share what i know about it through the study of real life and magazines ,newspapers etc.

My country Pakistan is an under developing country.As little girl when i would read about how Mr Jinnah struggled to gain freedom for the Muslims of subcontinent it would make me emotional enough to fall tears on my book  .I had fallen in love with My country and Mr Jinnah since then.This was extraordinary learning had impact my childhood.Sense of having someone who got us piece of land where we can live peacefully became larger than life for me for few years.When i would come back from school i would read particular lesson to my parents.My mother specially had strong emotions about all this just like me. Mom was never in school but i don't know how she was aware of everything about countries ,politics and many other things. Father was quite well read and mostly sink in pile of newspaper and magazines he would bring along.I often heard talking both my parents  about sports ,players , movies ,actors ,politics and politicians. My father had different opinion for separation of India and Pakistan though then i could not comprehend the complicated theory behind it. 

My mom would encourage and support  us on Independence day to celebrate it with all patriotic enthusiasm .We would  decorate whole house with rows of small flags .She would sew us huge flag which we will fix on roof top to  hang there for few days sublimely.We would wake up early in the morning on independence day to say prayer for the safety and prosperity of our beloved country.Mom ,me and my younger sister would wait for national anthem on radio and once it would start we would stand and sing along.Three of us would wear white dress and green scarves .Afterwards we would eat Halwa a sweet dish together to inhance the joy of this special day.Radio will cast national songs all day and we would not tire to listen them.In the Evening  we would lit so many candles on the edge of our roof  and in the front yard.That would present spell casting view.

Those were days of innocence .Ignorance in some of it's aspects in early age specially is most magical and beautiful freedom though we learn this far later in life. Time is  meant to pass and it kept passing .I grew young and then reached in my early thirties.Cable t.v came here and we were able to see so many other channels .In various talk or historic shows cleared some fog from eyes .One thing that hit my mind most was that it is not simple to judge some events or people by reading or hearing from one sided story.Sometime simple facts layer upon the complicated situation. In simple words to discover reality one has to read whole book and not decide by looking at cover only.

Whatever made my country Pakistan happen  it did not weaken my love for my homeland .May be we born with patriotic love in our blood. Though i was not keen reader or digger of  harsh heavy stuff  like my father but there was little curiosity provoking me to keep this kind of learning on one side .So i remained aware what was going on the map little bit though. What i knew was not different than any other part of land but still heart broken.

I think there is hardly any country who can claim it is hundred percent corruption free.people run countries .Specially people who like to have control on things ,on others and specially on national treasure. In my opinion people with half criminal mind do other horrible crimes but people with perfect criminal mind choose to be a politician.Some inherit it .Some do long journey to reach it.Both know how to play with people's mind and emotions.They spend millions to get select because they know they will recover  hundred  percent of it within a year only .

Every country has good and bad people but you will see hardly any good in game of politics if there are few it is like needle in hay stake. My country too  has so many good people but no one is allowed to step in the government making because this procedure is not about making but robbing the treasure only.Each politician want entry card to have right of hold on it.

Difference between politicians of both developed and under developing is little i think . Former have large bite so when they leave remaining part to spend on the people of country it seems huge. Later one has small bite so when they eat up most of it ,the remaining part is almost nothing to come into notice.So when we listen budget speech and the huge amount of money issue for different projects we know it will make difference only for who will transfer this money in his account and next few generations will no need to do anything except spending it.

Politicians no matter how dirty they can be are called head of the house .When head of the house is corrupt all bureaucracy is corrupt automatically.No man of honor or man of character (honest person) can enter in this swamp .if he does two things happen ,one he gets dirty too willingly or inevitably ,second he is proved corrupt and expelled or punished. This fear made me stop my husband to take job in police.I am good speaker and daring.I was advised many times that i can be good lawyer but i know as woman and than as human what happened to those who tried to fight for truth.

I think you got what i am trying to point out here .Yes this is how people get away with electricity bill theft because technicians are involved in all this and authorities above them know everything but keep silence which has price of course.

As a citizen i love my homeland  though with age and with learning this turned to a wider canvas .May be this sense of " oneness "  i brought in my genes .My love for everything living ,non living has strengthened with learning i continued slowly in my life including blogging through which i knew so many amazing people who inspired me for betterment of mind and soul gradually. 

This learning have broadened my horizons and understanding of life.Now this glob is my village and all inhabitants are my fellow!

I wish and i hope that day will come when people who will go through special studies and test of transparency will be selected to run government chores .And hope they will serve country and people instead of themselves only.

Hope i did not bore you with my ideological thing . I believe that good people are far more than bad but bad are in power and to consist and regulate it they support each other .The day when good people learn to be unite and supportive  an other reformation won't be impossible !  

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Stuff Of My Life

We had worst sandstorm two days ago.Wind guts were really strong as when they would blow it would seems some scary monsters are screaming and attacking.Then noise of winds and showering tiny rocks ,sand particles and other things blown by wind would sound like judgement day had arrived .After two hours roaring showering sandstorm sky got cloudy but no drop of rain was part of it's plan.When we got up next morning it took us almost two hours to clean the house and dust everything off.More then one and half kg sand we removed from yard but we added it into the garden soil instead of throwing away as it fertile the soil.
Our extremely hot days have begun though our newly fixed shade in front yard is preventing us from heat caused by reflection of sunlight on the yard floor thankfully.
I forgot to mention that hubby has bought a plot in colony near.He did so by using money that was sent by our eldest son to buy ac.Actually hubby made our son to cancel the ac order first he had ordered for us sometime back.He himself wanted to choose ac and so he did. But latter he changed his mind.He thought that it will be good to invest this money in better thing.We wished to buy a house in Islamabad since quite long but saving for this purpose has been difficult as different things come up and  little bit savings spend inevitably.Hubby had little saving and money sent by son provoke him to buy land here so we can sell it when we will be needing money for purchasing house in Islamabad.So we did not buy ac yet.

There is another reason for not buying ac that since we have paid half amount in start  for the plot and half  will be paid in 12 installments which will be from hubby's salary so even if we buy ac as our son wants us (he want to send us money again) paying high electricity bills will be  extra load for us.Except really few people  most of the people here rich or middle class don't pay for their ac billing but they bribe to technicians with forth percent of possible bill who provide them direct wire from the pole instead of meter.This is how people pay so less for high expenditure of light by their ac. We could have  done this long ago  but i feel uncomfortable with this method.It seems theft to me simply.
I finished listening Tolstoy biography by L. Winstanely. I grew up reading quotes by Tolstoy and so many other great men of thought.Now when i have found way to reconnect with books  i want to know about men who's words inspired me throughout my life.So my passion of leaning about life and universe stands along my desire to learn about people who had power to describe their vision of life.
I really enjoyed knowing about Tolstoy who belonged to aristocratic family though but had great appeal for the meaning of life .And he believed to achieve it through living among ground realities ,hard work and compassion. According to author and according to summary of Tolstoy works author shared Tolstoy 's work reveals how human psychology and behavior change with different courses of life and make him better or worst person according to his attitude .
I have now started to hear Story of my life by Helen Keller.It is also like dream come true.I feel sad and annoyed with my late discovery of audio book listening :(

One of my sister in law came to visit me with her two daughters ,one married and with her two years old cute girl who had quite adventurous time here and played and experimented with almost each toy in shelves :) we enjoyed her cheerful presence.They spent almost six hours with us and left late night.My sister in law had her  younger daughter along too but she was busy with her smart phone all the time like all kids of her age mostly do.It was nice to have them after many months.

My eldest son sent me few photos of his hiking with friends.He is happy that sun showed up in Munich eventually and they could go for outing as constant rains bored him so much.He adore summer of Germany and the lush scenery it provide to eyes.We are happy for him. 

"every move of nature is a miracle but we are so habitual to realize this " i read this quote sometime ago and found it divine!

     features of earth tell the story of life on earth triumphing  after long ,long and really hard struggle, if we see and ponder we find that each creation is result of unbroken persistence and constant struggle .Which is not possible without divine passion and selfless devotion . 

     my son told these were private boats own by people living near the lake ,he said it was beautiful day and they really enjoyed hiking . 


See you soon dear Friends!
Keep treating yourself and all around you with kindness because this is only thing we leave behind!
Blessings and best wishes to all of you!

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Use Your (Both) Brain Please


Our May this year remained mild surprisingly and i am really grateful for this.It is impossible though still i hope rest summer will pass similarly.Strong winds and partially clouds appear and then disappear though northern areas including my native village getting fair amount of rains time to time.I had spent almost 15 years of my life in my native village and thirty here in this sandy dry plain area so i am pretty habitual of weather here now thankfully. 

On 17th of May me and hubby received our first dose of vaccination.I was surprised to see that almost half of people had come to have second dose.When i mentioned this to hubby he told that vaccination started in February and it was only for people upto sixty.It is for up to fifty now.Arrangements by authorities were satisfactory specially cleanliness ,cooling system and the way so many people were being managed.It took us almost one hour to be free.Next dose will be in  August .I feel only slight swelling and little bit of pain on the place of injection when i touch it.

I could not rejoin my routine of learning back until now after Eid. I am still having guests which is pleasing indeed specially when it is sign of  nice weather too .Usually when from May to September heat is extreme people avoid outdoors and visiting relatives. I am an introvert basically but i feel since my parents died i like family gatherings more.Meeting people familiar to my parents calms me somehow.Joy that comes with sense of harmony and oneness is another gift that i have been receiving through my changing and deepening  understanding  of life.

I was on page 230 of book Brain and Personality by William Hanna Thomson .Only 1005 pages have left.I am truly happy that i came across to know and read this book.It was purely a read that i needed to understand how human brain works and how it is related to it's mind or thoughts.I think it is a master piece and astonishingly detailed work of author regarding such delicate and technical topic !

I think this must be part of studies so student can learn in early age that how they can do wonders by their most precious gift Brain !

The first striking thing to learn for me was that we don't use our brain the way it should be used normally .Normally means ,according to author we are given two brains on both sides just like hands ,legs ,eyes etc but we use only one side of brain our entire life.And because one side of brain is responsible to function other side of body so once we choose one side and stick with it whole life in case of accident if our one side brain is injured ,other is Unable to function other part of  body because it had no training for this.

I want to write so much but i don't want to make post long and bore but believe me this book is worth reading by each of us at least once in life because information it provides are Base and really easential for healthy living.

Author mentioned Helen Keller who was dumb and deaf and blind yet she when she found way of learning (touch) she acquired and  achieved  high rank in society through only one thing that matters 

"Will Power"yes author who was physician himself said that his study of human physical  brain shows that our brains are physically not different than other animals except grey matter and it is only one thing that makes our grey matter thick and it is will power and then practice that creates shelves for new learning gradually .

When after my father died i started to recite or meditate in 2011 i had no idea i was being shown a new way and better vision for life ,I would sit and read our holy book just to comfort my heart with thought that only this way i can feel close to my Creator and i can pray for my father to have better place in next world.Later when my mother died too within few months my stay with holy book got longer and my meditation deeper.It began with search of peace of mind.

Time passed and my habit of meditation became center  point of my each  day.The day i would miss it i would feel lost.It was addiction of the Sense of His closeness .During my reading i felt that words are dimming slowly. I got up threw some water in my eyes ,rubbed them slowly and started to read again but words were still fogy.Then i closed my left eye ,i found words visible and clear.I next time closed my left right eye and saw with left.I could not see words but only lines .I mindlessly started to put my finger on my right eye and try to see with my left ,after few days words started to appear little bit and then got clear and clearer within months and years.Now my left eye sees better than right one.

I had no idea that i was activating my right side of brain by doing so.But with  reading this book i am able to comprehend what happened exactly and what i can do .By practicing this i  also understood that my imagination became amazingly rich and deeper than before as it belongs to right side of the brain.

Since i learnt more about human brain capacity and activity i am excited that i can learn things that were monstrous to me before like math.I don't know my own brain capacity as an old woman of fifty but what i know best is my will power is not weak and that my desire for learning can help lot in this !

Thank you precious friend for bearing with me! I really appreciate your kindness and generosity as blogger friend that encourages me always to share my simple stupid stuff with you :)

please  keep taking great care of yourself as each of you is a unique gift to this world !

God Bless You All!!!

Sunday, May 16, 2021

Unexpected But Happy Eid Passed Eventually

Though absence of our eldest son was felt each of us gravely yet three days of Eid were cool and fun.We  had really busy Eid this year.Business works like ointment ,it reduces pain for while and make us forget what bothers.I usually don't like to leave home on first day of Eid or visit in laws.I more like this special  day to spend in cooking for family various dishes and having chats while eating and watching t.v together.
There is some magic in these  Eid holidays.I can never feel the way i feel during Eid .The sense of combined happiness thrills me a lot like child even now. I can't say about others but i still feel the deep joy and peace Eid brings along.
I feel as i am sitting high on a cloud swim and i can see  below clearly all my previous versions from a little girl to fifty year old house wife and mother who celebrated Eid in different times and with different families  like my parents ,in laws and then my children.This panoramic view reflect how mortal and short life is.This strengthen my faith in divine Energy and it's laws.Make me aware how unpredictable is life,any moment can be last and empower my positivity and enthusiasm  for state of being alive.

When on 12th may evening religious committee appointed by govt authorities did not announce moon sighting we made up our mind that Eid will be on 14th of May.I did not do any work i do usually on chand Raat ( moon night ,nigth before Eid ) I did not put chick peas in water ,nor we listened Eid songs.Hubby go to market after chand raat is announced to buy cake ,sweets ,cold drinks and henna and bangles for me.He himself makes designs of henna  on my palms and when done he asks how are these while having child like curiosity in his eyes.I admire his effort even if it looks like some puzzles or maps.Because his care and kindness make me feel important and loved!
But none of this happened.We watched our routine shows and were about to get up for bed when we heard siren ( meant to annouce that moon of Eid has sighted) in mosque near.We thought oh no it can't be happening but then greeting messages on what's up and facebook started to show.This was annoying and probably for all as nobody was prepare.Hubby wanted to go for shopping but i stopped him that it was too late and we knew market will be flooded immediately. 
We slept two hours late on chand raat.But we woke up around 7 because hubby and kids had to attend Eid prayer at mosque at 9.It took them more than hour to prepare for Eid prayer.When they left i did some must do chores.We had washed whole house one day ago but air dimmed yard with thin layer of dust with which i felt uncomfortable.So i first put chick peas on stove to boil so i can made my boys their favorite Chaat (dish that includes boiled chick peas ,some raw thinly cut onions,tomatoes ,green chili and lots of curd) on time.
I boiled milk brought by milkman.And put some of it in tea pot for preparing tea.While it was heating i started cleaning.I cleaned floors with damped cloth (tool for cleaning) quickly. Arranged some withered stuff and went to take bath so i can change .I like to look fresh and wear new dress before hubby an kids return from mosque.It is part of my effort to provide them comfort and joy as wife and mother.When they returned i served them special breakfast and we had great time together.
Our Eid day seemed complete when our eldest son called us and we could see him on screen for more than an hour! I was grateful for this opportunity to God and science then!
My son told that he is expecting his friends in two hours and they will cook and celebrate Eid together .We felt happier to hear that he won't stay alone on this particular day!
We went to meet my mother in law and families of brothers of my husband later who live 20 minute ride away from us.It was pleasant experience to meet all at once because most of my brother in laws and their families came to visit my mother in law.She is lucky woman to have all children close to her.I think no joy is bigger than this ,specially in her age (she is in her mid seventies most probably.

my eldest son sent me these precious images on second day of Eid :) They were taken in house where my eldest son has moved recently.on right is standing bestest friend of my son,we know Mubashir through our son's word mostly and according to them he is most kind and sweetest person he has ever seen!God bless him and all who support each other in foreign land with care and respect!

 the lovely girl with victory sign is wife of one with camera .We felt deeply sad when my son told she is not well.our heartfelt prayers for her and i request my all blogging friends to have this young lady in prayers so she can survive and live happy prosperous family life!

when we were leaving for in laws around 3 pm ,hubby said we should take some photos first

 Just a while ago i received this photo through what'sup ,my sister in law sent me ,from right my elder brother, his wife holding newly born daughter of her sister standing next to her, my cousin Nano and then my own sister and last is my sister's mother in law.I saw my sister after so many years (from left second) so it was emotional .before my sister is standing her dayghter Dua as pretty as her mother was in her age :) in the other two little girls on front one is eldest daughter of Sika (sister of my brother's wife) second is not known to me 

Long ago i watched movie "Into Wiled" inspired by true story of boy who belonged to a rich family but one day give up everything and went into forest across the river to live alone .I am sure you or most of you are familiar with story so i would mention only the message that movie delivers. End of the day boy realizes that Sharing is most important and essential beauty of life ,he wants to return but river is melted and way to home is blocked .He dies there lonely by starving for warmth that only love of family and friends provide!

I think patience and flexibility are basic tools to keep relationships tied strongly. I agree that living alone empowers us as an individual being.But being a social animal we empower each other by sharing our love and respect .We are mirror to each other so we can improve ourselves.
I hope all of you are enjoying mesmerizing weather and spring dear Friends!
Stay blessed with Hope that rises in the sky of Faith only like a sun and keep your soul enlightened and illuminated for always!

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Life Is Wall And we Are Brick .Happy Eid :)

 We  have been busy  in cleaning since few previous days as Eid (our  yearly  festival that comes by right at the end of fasting month Ramadan) is almost here ( tomorrow or one day left).

I don't fast anymore but i as man of Creator take full right on the Eid day.'I think it's  not just about Preparing for this biggest festival of the community or celebrating Eid day but traveling down to the memory lane and living all those moments once again that i had lived with my parents when i was little.And i will continue doing so till i will stay in my senses probably.

I am always ready to say goodbye this life if angle death appears but at same time i am too excited to be alive.I cannot make my inner little girl grow when it comes to feel happy for being alive.Everything around me plants,trees,birds ,sky ,water ,even rocks speak to me smilingly so it is hard to not smile back to them.This realization that i am part of something huge and mysterious which is within and around me makes me feel so full and strong.This strength and fulfillment keeps me happy in worst times. 

Okay i think i am loosing track .Back to Eid day.Different people response to this special day differently .But i believe men take this day granted than women.I saw in family and have watched and read in interviews that men come from Eid prayer and sleep for the rest day.How boring to spend such peculiar day sleeping.

I remember my father would return from mosque after Eid prayer and greet with family with cheerful mood.He will give Eidee ( money that elder give to youngsters on Eid day) and than we would eat our traditional sweet dish together .Then mom and pa will have tea and we both sister will go to visit our aunts and uncle house.

Those days had bitterness too yet they seem most beautiful days of my life.

I cannot bring those days back nor my family back but i have way to to feel that warmth and beauty again.Yes on every Eid day even few days before when i start cleaning old songs echo in my mind repeatedly .I play them or not they keep echoing in my ears and i feel i stepped into my native home again where i am enjoying my Eid day happily filled with smiles and occasional laughs .And those old songs playing in the back ground.

What an incredible gift is imagination !

A window that makes impossible ,possible so easily.

It is a wonderful way to link our present joy with past  happiness and double it.

This will be third Eid when my eldest son won't be able to be with us.I miss him we all do but joy that we are feeling because he is happy keeps us calm and content.My imagination helps me to enter his room and watch him closely ,touch him and kiss his forehead with countless prays my heart says for him!

I think about sorrows and mishaps of this world ,i think what can i do and i get answer i can pray and keep myself positive so i can save world from harm that i can cause if i be unhappy or  stressed .Everything count when it comes to keep world better place and it starts from an individual. 

If we all can keep ourselves calm and happy world be a better place .

But in my opinion Nature has designed us in opposite manner .We  are not meant to make ourselves happy here.

We are responsible to make each other happy !

I will have to make happy people around me and they will have to make me happy .Yes this is pattern believe me.If we don't follow things get disturbed .

See how one brick supports other so wall can stay straight ,life is wall and we are brick :)

love you all ,stay blessed with hope that is gift of Faith only !


Thursday, May 6, 2021

Fear Of Death Then And Now

 As i mentioned i got sick after death of my aunt .I had recovered from this sickness in almost three months.I was better physically but the terrible way my aunt died during labor pain  had left me filled with dread.Dread of loosing loved ones.I was close to my cousins. One of them is wife of my brother now. So their laments for their mother pierced my heart. Fear of loosing my own mother made me suffer day and night. I became obsessed with mom.I would try to to comfort her in each possible way so i can keep her safe from dying.I remember when she had fallen ill in summers .I would wave hand fan for her for hours in night .I would lean upon her and try to confirm if she was still breathing. During day when she would sit i would massage her head, press her legs and shoulder to comfort her. That Phase of life which i had spent with my mom was different one.I  could not imagine life without her.She was like God to me ,my shelter and savior,my complete life support.The way she brought me up i realized we will remain inseparable for eternity .

But My real God had different plans for me.Things started to change after few years of my marriage.When my younger sister left my house after almost four years.She had completed her tenth grade while living with me in my husband's house.I brought her  here after my marriage to protect her from cruelties of my brother and sister in law .And I kept her until she completed her  studies .But she decided that she will not go to collage further for further study.She had some plans in her mind so she left our house against mom's will who wanted her to study more so mom can find her good husband. How she made my mom to leave village and move Islamabad ,it is another story for other time.She did some semi government and private jobs in Islamabad for two years almost.Meanwhile she met with someone and decided to marry him within few months.Then she left for America where she spent six years.She visited Pakistan twice in between.

Progress in my sister's life influenced my life and my relationships with mom badly gradually.In the beginning she  asked me to come and live with mom .We were thinking about buying plot so can build house and move there. Hubby was doing part time job along with government job he had in daytime.We had only one child then .So i left home and went to live with mom.I admitted my son in school there and started private job .My job timing was from 7: 30 to 6 pm. i lived there for almost three years. I think from  1997 to 2001 or bit more or less .Meanwhile my sister was in u s a.She came to visit once during my stay there.It was probably my second year there.This was the most painful time for me when she disrespected me with each move.Hubby would also sent me money each month and i was paying half rent of house ,buying my own groceries and doing all what was needed to comfort mom and keep house neat and managed.I would sleep for five hours hardly so i can not give her chance to accuse me.I then wanted to stay away from in laws house because constant troubles from mother in law and rest family was disturbing our life specially upbringing of my child.Therefore i wanted to stay there until my sister stays in america. But it seemed as my sister had ocean of hate within her heart for me i terribly wondered Why ?I would have never ever written  all this about her but if i won't the reason  for my  absence when my parents needed me most can't be conveyed .My own little sister whom i thought part of my own being always was not anywhere anymore.She started to treat me like stranger and create distance between me and mom.I feel so embarrassed and broken to say this but she would ask mom to not meet with me because she hats me. When i first time heard this i thought i wish i would have died before listening this from my little sister whom i loved like my baby (six years younger than me) .I was silly girl who loved family and wanted to stick together.Did whatever i could do to keep my mother and sister out of misery and provided.Hubby's support during all this melted my heart and i feel i owe him so much!

Mom did not disconnected completely though but i knew nothing will be the same again specially when worldly progress made my sister proud , distant and hateful towards me. I felt like someone has pushed me inside deep dark well and i will never come out of it again.I would not wanted to come out of it this was the worst part.It was like someone pulled ground below my feet and i am falling down and down and down.. !

If i will write how and how many times my sister misbehaved with me and broke my heart it will take few days. I was completely in shock with her new face.She was not the same person or same sister whom i knew once.It was as if her whole previous life was only a pretending and what eyes were seeing right now was real!

This way my mother was ripped away from me.It was not  harder than  snatching nails from fingers!Except my God only hubby knows how this separation crushed me for forever!

Now when i look back i feel this time was a time of transformation. It was like the one i used to be was turned into ashes and life was constructing me on whole new base again.Reality ! yes this was hard reality of real life that people change when their situation is changed.I knew this little bit before but i never knew that such blood relationships can also be affected by economical changes.

I could not meet properly with my parents for next almost twenty years because of my only crime was that my parents adored me more for my simplicity and selflessness.But was this my sin or trait installed in my nature.Was this crime as huge that i deserved such punishment.

My mom specially sister were changed person.Despite of all this i would try to visit and meet mom when go to Islamabad but my sister would pressurize her on phone to keep distance .Therefore when me and my children notice cold behavior of my parents i would leave from their house in few days. Mom too would visit me but for short time and she would though not directly but indirectly tell that she does not want us to keep away but her hands are tied.

My sister also visited me few times.When i would appreciate her visit she would say she came here to only for change as i don't worth for such expensive fare she would pay just to see me.She would make fun of me when see me busy in house chores and that it is pity to live with such low income .Actually when we built this house we were in three kind  house loans ,that would leave us with less than half salary which was hardly enough to manage  basic necessities but that condition sustained for four years only and when loan was paid finally we were back to normal routine of life.But my sister would criticize instead being kind.

My parents lived in house that my sister had built in Islamabad with money she had earned in U S A. In 2009 probably she returned and could not go back again because she had lost driving licence due to drunk driving for three times.This made my sister frustrated and her frustration made her misbehave with my parents who were in their seventies and dependent on her. She treated them badly and this came into my knowledge first when my father died and she did not informed me.I was informed after fifteen days by one of my cousin who asked me why i did not came to my father's funeral .I don't how to put in words the amount of pain i felt  then.It was unbearable believe me.I felt like my spirit has left my body and i am living dead. My sister was not on that bad terms with me as before it happened she came to visit me for a week. I never showed her through my behavior  that how unjustly she treats me when i visit to her to meet my parents.I would serve her like maid during her stay  but  each time she would  leave. One night before leaving she would create excuse and scene.She would shout and use abusive words and all for nothing.I would shed tear silently while reading my holy book without replying her a word.So despite of her visit she did not inform me about the death of my father. I think this was deepest wound she gave me!

Dying once and physically is easier but death that crushes one's soul in such painful way and slowly is hardest one!Makes one  wonder all the time  Why ? 

When me and my sister were young like i was sixteen and she ten.She would sometime say i would marry to a prince with blue eyes who will own huge castle like home and big cars.I would smile and say i won't marry ever but if i have to i will marry to a person who will respect me and then love me.I will not marry rich but a man who will advance himself from nothing to something and i will support him in this journey with all my heart.

She was really pretty and admired  by everyone but criticized at the same time for her mischievousness.I was called common face ,duffer ,silly but obedient one.We were different but we were sisters .I loved her and despite of all she did to me i still do.If it was in my hands to make myself person she would love i would have done it .Once when after my parents death we met i said to her that" i learnt from mom long ago that you hate me", "but do you think about reason for which you hate me "? she did not reply but continued humming .I then hold her hand and said ,you hate me for reason that i did not create ,it is in my nature .can't you understand this ? Next day she created one side fight and left.

When mom fell ill in 2011 my sister called me to Islamabad and asked me that take mom to  hospital in city Lahore as she does not have time for this.When i reached there with my youngest son i was surprised to see how weak and sick mom had became .Shaukat Khanum hospital in Lahore city was known for treating cancer .It was  four hour night journey in rail car.My youngest son was also with me.We reached and registered name to have number .We spend hours in queue.When doctor saw mom she said they cannot rely on previous test results and so mom has to go through tests once again.

I had money but far less than that needed for tests.I phoned my sister and she said she will see the matter later and right now we should take train and return.I don't know it was constant train travel or what on same night i got sick.I felt extremely cold and then fever and non stop  vomiting.Till morning i was drained and burning with fever.

My sister broke all records of being heartless ,she made me walk to the hospital that was almost three km away.I walked while holding walls of houses or by taking breaks and sit on ground as she was walking before me and far away from me. I  was not in my senses due to high fever .That walk towards hospital  made me believe that my sister does not pretend but she hates me actually. Doctor scold her that how can she can she treat patient inhumanly.

When we returned she did not give any food to my child nor me.Mom was not allowed to come near me .She sneaked in my room and asked me to leave immediately .I was little better because of two doses of medicine i took.But weakness due to constant vomit and lack of food along with worry for my child who was hungry since night saddened me deeply!

I left house and reached to railway station.This was most dreadful journey of my life.I was trying to keep my eyes open so i can look after my son all the time.

When i reached home i was serene .Warmth of hubby's love and care made me recover within less than twenty days. After a week my sister called me and said she wanted to put mom in old home.I was really sad because mom was one who made her able to live life of her dreams and when now she needed help my sister was throwing her away. I requested her to send mom to me.Mom insisted to stay with her but when i forced her she came to me eventually .We took mom to the doctor who told she is last stage of throat cancer.He said she is really weak and not able to go through autopsy and nor it will make any difference so keep her on medicine ,He added it is on her will power if she will be strong and positive she can live for few years but if not she can end in months.

Mom later told that eight months before when she found her spit red she was alarmed and asked my sister to take her to the doctors .She did not pay attention and when this happened frequently i insisted by reminding her all i did for her and how i looked after her money supervised house building wen she was in foreign. Mom said i reminded her how i kept her house neat and managed and saved kept her money saved by doing all this by herself.It was her turn to do something for me and she kept neglecting me since eight months.Now when i developed the disease because of her negligence she has thrown me out of her life.Mom's stubbornness about this strengthened her sickness<If she would have calm and forget about my sister which tried most through my words and care she would have not died because she had bee  always strong self aware and  really caring about her health but now she did not seem in her senses.was on edge of  sorrow and disappointment.She started to force to send her back day and night.We were so worried about her such weird behavior . She would not take medicine nor eat.I would cry and insist and she would say just take me to that cold blooded who thinks i will let her go away with this.I did all i could do to keep her with me but it was not in my fortune to be beside her when she leaves world!

I took her back and returned to my home inevitably. After week wife of my brother called and complained that my sister left my mom 's responsibility on her shoulder  which is unfair .I was stuck and lost with such intense situation .My brother's house was last only earth where mom would have agreed to stay.I decided to go there and take mom back.Hubby reserved my seat in train for me.and when date for leaving remained few days away.My sister called and informed my mother has died .I felt my body paralyzed for while .Hubby came back and saw me drowned in pain. We took bus that takes few hours less than train.I was still and silent like dead.No tear dropped from my eyes.Everything seemed shallow and meaningless.I felt so empty as i was hollow balloon roaming in endless space aimlessly .Hubby would see me once in while if i was not fainted .I was fainted but my eyes remained open and i forgot to blink and wanted to forget breathing either.

This time i was able to say goodbye my mother atleast!When we reached there they were about to bury her.They saw me and hold for minutes.I sat closed to her carriage and  touched my mom's face .I scream came out of my mouth with words that would keep killing me since years" Why mom why ? " This scream liberated tears and i cried for twenty days i that i spent there .

What i feel since then ,death is not when one physically dies and buried in ground .There are times when death is relief and salvation.I wanted to have a normal family who shares common love and respect.Nothing else i wanted from life.And my Creator revealed that there is only one true relationship and it is only "man's relation with his maker" all other creations are mere worldly illusions and mortal like bubble of water.Relying on them is fatal .Wanting them more than Maker himself is ignorance and disastrous.If love is rooted within you deeply and strongly just share it but never have hope to get it back from people's .If you do goodness to anyone.Your Creator takes responsibility to give it back to you in better form.

You are part of your Maker and surely not away from Him.But he is not only around you but he is within you in form of your wisdom.If you turn to Him he turns to you and strengthens you with His eternal   power.The more you connected to Him the more He flourish Himself within you.There is no start nor end but life is journey in a circle .During this journey you will be changing your shapes but one thing is certain that in each shape you take you will be given more and  more power which will empower your kind whether negative or positive  each time.

When i comprehend life and death it was simple and easy to not fear from death but wait for it while enjoying life.Keep death in mind so life can be meaningful.

S=This post is written in three days,i am sorry it is long .i tried hard to keep it to the point but i am not skilled!

blessings to all of you precious friends and thank you for bearing with me!

To avoid negativity i started job in school again.It helped me to get back my normal way of thinking.Then after one year i left it because my absence was effecting my younger son's studies.This was time when i realized that i have to face what is troubling me .I started yoga and meditation and it made my mental condition better slowly.

I think that now i am in position to understand the secret pattern of life that our Creator design for us. 

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Fear Of Death And Death Stories From My Family!

 Once  Death  seemed to me  like an endless dark ocean  in which all streams of life fall eventually.I still remember the moment when as little girl i understood that death exists.Yes i was weird.When i look back at that little girl ,she seems truly weird.Always obsessed with learning but dumb enough to forget things quickly.Yes for others i was absent mind but no one knew that i was living two lives at same time .May be this was the reason particularly that i would forget things fast because my mind would love to dwell in fantasy world of imagination more.But when i would return to real world i was most practical among all ,i still find it a weird quality .

Back to Death ,yes i remember the day when i first time learnt that people die.I hardly have any strong memory belong to city Hyderabad where we lived before moving to mom's native village but memory belong to that special day is so strong and surprisingly so visible in my memory box.That day when mom told that mister Bhatti (our house owner ) has died.I asked her what does this mean? She replied" he has gone to Allah and will never come back again".I did not knew about Allah much then but the sound of "he will never come back " made me sad because i knew that baby (name of  deceased daughter) will be sad to hear this.

I came across to meaning of death in true and tremendous way when my elder brother died and never came back .I did not remember much but i remember that he was loved most by parents, by us by relatives ,neighbors .I remember how energetic ,enthusiastic and loving he was. though these memories are distorted and foggy yet they are alive .Later as i grew and we moved to village and mom told stories about him with tears and we grew up while hearing these stories memories  got clearer.He was hyper active child .Super intelligent adored by teachers.He could not study continuously because he had to admit in hospital for months after diagnosing t.b.His restless and hyper active nature kept him connected not only to studies but in spare time he would visit wards and greet other patients and offer help.Mom would tell that doctors who were treating him found him an unusual child. She would show us his notebooks that he would write as probable home work. Mom would say he knew somehow that he has short time so he wanted to do lot and lot in his short life of 12 or 11 years.Before going to hospital he made a wood cart by fixing bearing wheels .He would make me ride with him and push it forward with hands.He was so protective about me.

Mom would say she had never seen such excited and keen child.She told once we said to him jokingly that when he will be grown up Nori will be his bride(Nori was and is our cousin) Since he listened he showed such mature anxiousness on the matter .He would say to Nori i will built big house for you and our children will study hard. Everybody listening this laughed loudly.But he was so serious like he was big man all others laughing are little ones.Mom would sigh that if he was alive he would have become exceptional and established responsible man.But he had drowned in ocean of death and never arose from it.And mom never left the shore .

This tragedy made me afraid of death.Death felt like  monster that eats away sweet people like my brother. Imagining death was most dreadful thing to me specially during nights or when someone would die in town more particularly among relatives.I would think how he would have felt when people left him alone under the ground where air can't enter ? this thought in night would make me shiver to the bones .I would feel that death is standing before me opening her numerous arms like dark scary witch ,i would cover my head under sheet and tremble.I was never a coward as child but when i would think of death i would feel cold wave prevailing into my veins.

As i entered into my middle teens fear of death was surpassed by profound sadness.This happened when i witnessed  that strange day when my grandma (mom's mother ) left this world .What struck me was  that peace  she had on her face.That day my little cousin came to call my mother.He told that grandma was  feeling unwell and wanted to see her.Mother left her cooking and left for her house situated in foothill. When mom did not return for long i went to call her back .I was thirteen then most probably and because i did not know how to cook i wanted mom to come back and make meal for us.When i entered into house i saw all my uncles and aunts there.They were sitting around the bed on which my grandma was laying.All faces were sad.My mom and my aunt were shedding tears silently.I stood there quietly beside elders.Grandma was looking serene and once in a while she would touch mom's hand and try to whisper something.Mom would lean upon her little and try to listen.Later mom told she was saying i have some money in my clay pot.Grandma had few clay pots but she had never filled them with water but various pieces of  cloths.When we were little (below ten years) we would sit with her and she would tell us stories of ghosts that she would encounter with during her foot journey from market miles away from village.We would listen and some of them would get scared ,Grandma would get up walk toward clay pot ,put her hand inside and take out coin to give one who was scared,she would ask him or her to buy candy and you will feel better.

Back to grandma's death day .Grandma took her last breath before me.I could not even noticed she had died .She seemed to fall in sleep quietly.women cries were loud but men looked sad only. This was special death that lightened the fear of death for me but a little.The money left by grandma was spent on her funeral services.Mom told me this later. I had seen such wonderful  death for the first time when a person who was aware that she was about to leave this world showed no fear but remained calm and called her whole family to say last goodbye and then  left this world  as peacefully as she was not leaving the world but a place only. The peace of her face showed that death was not as scary as i thought.That was what i felt that moment.

Before grandma  my grandfather died similarly though i was in school that day.When i came back i was informed he has died.Grandpa was most fascinating man i ever saw .His kind smile ,gentle way of speaking never showed he was an retired  army man.He was religious and fond of reading  religious books particularly.Unlike grandma he had tender personality.They both left world within same year just like my parents.

 I think i was fifteen when my aunt the only sister of my mom died.She was pregnant with her sixth child.Her body got swelling .This was ninth month when she went through labor pain .A midwife was called from neighboring village.My mom was not in the village that day.She went to visit her doctor in Islamabad.Sisters in laws (sisters of her husband)of my aunt were with her .Me and my both cousins were in other room .We were so frightened and sorrowful because we were listening screams of my aunt.Those dreadful screams echo still in my mind.Hours passed and screams disappeared.A noise arose from that room where aunt was bearing labor pain.Three of us walk fearfully to the room and suddenly my both cousins who were elder then me realized something and started to shout and cry loudly by calling and touching my aunt.My aunt died.Her body has swelling and midwife kept her giving injections to increase the pain so baby can be delivered but baby probably died in struggle of finding way out.

When mom came back in evening and found out she ran to  aunt's house screamingly and crying badly.She was shocked that it happened because she already had got an appointment for my aunt for delivery day which was not fixed though but mom was told by doctor that when her sister feel pain bring her immediately to hospital.Mom would visit her sister regularly to find if something wrong.There was no sign of such so mom thought it would be fine to  visit doctor.But unfortunately aunt felt pain same day.She kept telling her father in law and both sister in laws to take her hospital where she had appointment but they did not found it necessary.They thought it would be waste of money and midwife would take care the matter in little expense . 

This trauma made me sick badly.I would cry and feel scared day and night. I would see nightmares and get up screaming.I became kind out of my senses.One night i saw my aunt in dream ,she was standing close to my bed while spreading her both arms towards me.She hold my arms and was started to pull.I shouted and my parents woke up and ran to me .I told them what i saw while crying.My mother loved me most that i felt always.She got really worried.My serious condition and absence from school made her more concerned.My mother's friends would visit and advise her to take me to pir baba ( person who treats witch craft ) but mom would not believe such things and took me to the doctor .Doctor told her that your daughter is some kind of trauma and she also is patient of anemia which has increased due to lack of taking food.

In short death of y aunt made me returned to the same depth of fear i was suffering from before.After few months rest and treatment i  returned to my normal mental and physical condition.But when i went to school i found out that because of my long absence i was out of their student list in school.After long meeting with mom headmistress put me back on my ninth grade but i lost my science subjects and that led to me my first dream broken .Dream to become a nurse in army.

There are few more death stories in my family specially of my uncle(mom's younger brother) whom mom loved so much.When he was declared patient of tuberculosis mom cried whole night.Next day she took him to hospital where they admitted him him immediately.It was sanatorium only for t.b patients.But history repeated itself once again.My uncle left his treatment in middle and came to the village.Mom and he had arguments but he refused to stay home.Within week his condition got worse and mom asked some villager to bring van so she can take her brother to hospital to readmit .I saw that view that mom grabbed my weak and coking uncle with help of his wife and put him on her back so can reach him to the van.I could never forget that sight. She readmitted my uncle in same hospital and came back to village because women were not allowed to sit there among male patients and staff.Next day an ambulance brought back my uncle's body from hospital.It is impossible for me to write what was condition of my mom.

She fell ill and when we thought she was recovering one day mom got attack of paralysis.Her left side of face looked leaning and then she fainted.Me and my younger sister were terribly afraid.That was Thursday ,i remember because that day my father would visit from Rawalpindi to spend holiday with us and to deliver weekly money for household to mom.We both sister knew father will come in the evening .We hardly brought our mom to the bed and sit near her while holding holy book in our hand.Tears were dropping from our eyes like unbreakable chain and we were reciting holy verses .We did not tell anyone due to hope that father was about to arrive. Our neighboring ladies came though when they heard our cries .

My father came and when he learnt he went to doctor in town near where our school was.That town  was newly formed for inhabitants of town that went drowned under water of Khanpur dam.It had all city facilities.Doctor said it is dangerous attack attack of paralysis and recovery depends on the will power of patient more than treatment.MY mom was not less than a super hero.She recovered within a month.But had a more test to go through after this.Mom after recovering fell ill in strange way.Her nose start to bleed and it went on for days.Doctor said that it was may be due to heat because he could not understand what caused such bleeding.We would put a jar near her bed. That jar would fill with blood soon and i will empty it in washroom and put back.I think she shed many kilo gram of blood.In week or two blood became less and disappeared .Mom lived for almost thirty years after that and healthy life.

I can write more but i know post has gotten lengthy already .Sorry for that friends.

I will share in next post what i feel about death now.

Live each moment as it is last gift and most precious one.Stay strong ,happy and positive always!

See you soon.Please take care! 

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