That was weak moment of my life when my mind put suicide as easy and quick solution front of me.
That was an easy escape from all the miseries if i would have applied it.
I crushed the glass bangles because it was the only possible thing available to kill myself . ( once i had heard from grandma that a girl suicide by swallowing her crushed bangles)
I kept that cullet for many days and many times i hold them in my palm with glass of water to have them.
But i never did so.
Why?
One of the reason was that after my Creator i loved my mom most ,she was whole world to me, I had younger sister who was also my responsibility .
It was not about just me , It was about my loved ones!
I wanted to do job immediately after passing my tenth grade to free my mom from financial worries.
She was center of my whole life and i decided to look after her whole life .So she can forget her sorrows given by husband and son. I decided i will never get married, and will never let any man to hurt me as my father or my brother did my mom.
May be my faith in my Creator , my faith in my righteousness and my love for life was more powerful than my intention to quit life !
Whatever it was it did not let me swallow that cullet .
and after having it for almost month eventually i threw it away.
Yes ,My optimism had won the battle !
My precious friends the only reason to share these very private memories with you all is to let you know that
there are so many incidents in my life which shaped up my way of thinking which i have today.
It's not just my nature but some very powerful guidance who unconsciously led me towards better way of life and saved me from very possible harm miraculously!
My mother fell ill and needed surgery for her gallbladder removal , back then there was difficult way of surgery and patient needed blood to recover .
We were not in position to buy blood so my father and i recommended our's .
When doctor told us that we both are not capable to give blood as it was not healthy enough ,mine lacked red blood cells due to strong anemia and father had also some problem .
Second option was to buy fluid which doctor use instead of blood .It was cheaper treatment . My father borrowed some money from his owner lady and managed the surgery.
Time flew by through all the odds and i passed my tenth grade in arts as i mentioned in many posts that i could Not continue my science subjects because after 2 months study in ninth with science i fell ill so badly and was hospitalized for few weeks .
On rejoining the school my principal advised that study of science had moved further and you cannot cover it so i took arts subjects .
Loss of science broken my dream to become an army nurse .It is so hard to live with broken dream specially on which you rely for better and peaceful future !
I cried for this loss for years though i knew my tears could not change the fact.
I passed my tenth grade when i was 18 as after moving to village it took few years to mom to put me in school again.
Anyway this was time when mom started to pressurize me to get married and have peaceful life away from this mess but she wanted me to get married with boy out of her family as my all cousins did not deserve her daughter who was totally different from their mentality and nature .
One of my cousin who was so fond of to marry me tried hard but mom was firm in her decision .
Meanwhile the widow lady (my father's boss) also came to our house with belief that she will not be refused as she brought the ring and sweets along with lots of other gifts .
She brought her son along who was good looking typical big city boy .She asked mom that she want her to marry your daughter with my boy who is in last year of his collage and has own family business.
Mom was surprised as there was Huge difference in our status and she was not expecting this .She asked her politely that " you are well established people and can find very nice girl around you , why us?
Lady replied that i have many relatives and girls in my circle but they are too sharp for me and my son as all are after my money and there is strong probability that they will snatch my son away or hardly will fit in joint family system.
I forgot to tell that my father used took us on trips to Islamabad on yearly festivals and sometimes we visited his Boss's house too.But it happened until my early teens.
Mom did not show any excitement and told her that she will consider her proposal.
After they left i realized that how much mom was excited about this proposal .Like every mom she wanted best for her daughter and she thought that was best opportunity to establish my life .
But when i refused mom got shockingly upset.
I was afraid of new people specially i was really scared of people belong to rich families .
I had confusion and probably complex regarding making relationship in higher circle who were unaware of our ground realities .
I had FEAR,
what if they thought of me low because of my lower middle class background ?
What if they misbehaved with my parents when they will visit me, be cause i remembered to that whenever we visited them we had think Lot about our suitable clothing so we can look familiar to their circle .
It was hard to convince mom but this was special Grace of my Creator that mom always not only valued my opinion but often fought for it !
She was Savior for me , unlike other mothers of village she always stood for our rights .I would have not be ME if she was not there for me!
She visited the widow lady and refused politely which was totally unexpected for her anyway.Mom also returned her gifts with apology.
In the same year three more proposals from well known and rich families came ,
One of them was my class teacher in primary school. She brought proposal of her youngest brother .
Second was weird story though
One of my cousin who lived in Islamabad since many years ,and was working as babysitter and living with same family meanwhile .
She brought a woman along who had beauty parlor in the city .She asked my cousin to tell her about some nice girl so she can make her wife To her only son who was doing M.B.A.
My cousin took her to the house of my another cousin who was very pretty and worked as babysitter for few months also ,although she was uneducated but very smart and fashionable.
My cousin told us later that , that woman saw my photo while sitting in my other cousin's house (for who proposal was) and she asked my cousin about me ,she left without saying anything from there and few days later came to our house with my same cousin.
When we learnt the whole story we simply refused to the proposal she brought for me .
Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account.
He was referred by one of my mom's cousin who was on some post in his factory .
I again refused for this proposal either .
Only thing in my mind was The fear of strange man who will have control of my life and his much higher status will allow him to do so more powerfully .
Meanwhile when i learnt that my high school principal who was so kind to me had promoted to position of Superintendent of district school , i visited her office and asked her for favor for getting job as school teacher because at the time i did not have diploma for applying as proper teacher .I said to her once i will have job i will immediately do the necessary course .
She was really kind and helpful as she was aware of my background and character .She agreed and within few months i got appointment letter .
That was MOST HAPPY day of my life !
I thought from now on all will begin to be right!
But when my brother learnt about this he shouted at me that he will not let me do this job as by doing so i will ruin his honor which i already did by doing studies .
Domestic environment was getting more frustrating and worse everyday .
Mom wanted me to get married and settle down because she was getting sick and weak day by day!
It felt that i was caught in thorny net and it was impossible to get out!
One evening when my elder brother and his wife argued and rushed into our room ,they broke our stuff including our small black and white t.v and my most favorite thing my old radio.
mom and we both sisters burst into cries.
Same evening when my father came for weekend I asked him to take me to Karachi where his best friend lived as my father often told about his friend who lived in Karachi and had five daughters .His all daughter worked in a garment factory .
That was an easy escape from all the miseries if i would have applied it.
I crushed the glass bangles because it was the only possible thing available to kill myself . ( once i had heard from grandma that a girl suicide by swallowing her crushed bangles)
I kept that cullet for many days and many times i hold them in my palm with glass of water to have them.
But i never did so.
Why?
One of the reason was that after my Creator i loved my mom most ,she was whole world to me, I had younger sister who was also my responsibility .
It was not about just me , It was about my loved ones!
I wanted to do job immediately after passing my tenth grade to free my mom from financial worries.
She was center of my whole life and i decided to look after her whole life .So she can forget her sorrows given by husband and son. I decided i will never get married, and will never let any man to hurt me as my father or my brother did my mom.
May be my faith in my Creator , my faith in my righteousness and my love for life was more powerful than my intention to quit life !
Whatever it was it did not let me swallow that cullet .
and after having it for almost month eventually i threw it away.
Yes ,My optimism had won the battle !
My precious friends the only reason to share these very private memories with you all is to let you know that
there are so many incidents in my life which shaped up my way of thinking which i have today.
It's not just my nature but some very powerful guidance who unconsciously led me towards better way of life and saved me from very possible harm miraculously!
My mother fell ill and needed surgery for her gallbladder removal , back then there was difficult way of surgery and patient needed blood to recover .
We were not in position to buy blood so my father and i recommended our's .
When doctor told us that we both are not capable to give blood as it was not healthy enough ,mine lacked red blood cells due to strong anemia and father had also some problem .
Second option was to buy fluid which doctor use instead of blood .It was cheaper treatment . My father borrowed some money from his owner lady and managed the surgery.
Time flew by through all the odds and i passed my tenth grade in arts as i mentioned in many posts that i could Not continue my science subjects because after 2 months study in ninth with science i fell ill so badly and was hospitalized for few weeks .
On rejoining the school my principal advised that study of science had moved further and you cannot cover it so i took arts subjects .
Loss of science broken my dream to become an army nurse .It is so hard to live with broken dream specially on which you rely for better and peaceful future !
I cried for this loss for years though i knew my tears could not change the fact.
I passed my tenth grade when i was 18 as after moving to village it took few years to mom to put me in school again.
Anyway this was time when mom started to pressurize me to get married and have peaceful life away from this mess but she wanted me to get married with boy out of her family as my all cousins did not deserve her daughter who was totally different from their mentality and nature .
One of my cousin who was so fond of to marry me tried hard but mom was firm in her decision .
Meanwhile the widow lady (my father's boss) also came to our house with belief that she will not be refused as she brought the ring and sweets along with lots of other gifts .
She brought her son along who was good looking typical big city boy .She asked mom that she want her to marry your daughter with my boy who is in last year of his collage and has own family business.
Mom was surprised as there was Huge difference in our status and she was not expecting this .She asked her politely that " you are well established people and can find very nice girl around you , why us?
Lady replied that i have many relatives and girls in my circle but they are too sharp for me and my son as all are after my money and there is strong probability that they will snatch my son away or hardly will fit in joint family system.
I forgot to tell that my father used took us on trips to Islamabad on yearly festivals and sometimes we visited his Boss's house too.But it happened until my early teens.
Mom did not show any excitement and told her that she will consider her proposal.
After they left i realized that how much mom was excited about this proposal .Like every mom she wanted best for her daughter and she thought that was best opportunity to establish my life .
But when i refused mom got shockingly upset.
I was afraid of new people specially i was really scared of people belong to rich families .
I had confusion and probably complex regarding making relationship in higher circle who were unaware of our ground realities .
I had FEAR,
what if they thought of me low because of my lower middle class background ?
What if they misbehaved with my parents when they will visit me, be cause i remembered to that whenever we visited them we had think Lot about our suitable clothing so we can look familiar to their circle .
It was hard to convince mom but this was special Grace of my Creator that mom always not only valued my opinion but often fought for it !
She was Savior for me , unlike other mothers of village she always stood for our rights .I would have not be ME if she was not there for me!
She visited the widow lady and refused politely which was totally unexpected for her anyway.Mom also returned her gifts with apology.
In the same year three more proposals from well known and rich families came ,
One of them was my class teacher in primary school. She brought proposal of her youngest brother .
Second was weird story though
One of my cousin who lived in Islamabad since many years ,and was working as babysitter and living with same family meanwhile .
She brought a woman along who had beauty parlor in the city .She asked my cousin to tell her about some nice girl so she can make her wife To her only son who was doing M.B.A.
My cousin took her to the house of my another cousin who was very pretty and worked as babysitter for few months also ,although she was uneducated but very smart and fashionable.
My cousin told us later that , that woman saw my photo while sitting in my other cousin's house (for who proposal was) and she asked my cousin about me ,she left without saying anything from there and few days later came to our house with my same cousin.
When we learnt the whole story we simply refused to the proposal she brought for me .
Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account.
He was referred by one of my mom's cousin who was on some post in his factory .
I again refused for this proposal either .
Only thing in my mind was The fear of strange man who will have control of my life and his much higher status will allow him to do so more powerfully .
Meanwhile when i learnt that my high school principal who was so kind to me had promoted to position of Superintendent of district school , i visited her office and asked her for favor for getting job as school teacher because at the time i did not have diploma for applying as proper teacher .I said to her once i will have job i will immediately do the necessary course .
She was really kind and helpful as she was aware of my background and character .She agreed and within few months i got appointment letter .
That was MOST HAPPY day of my life !
I thought from now on all will begin to be right!
But when my brother learnt about this he shouted at me that he will not let me do this job as by doing so i will ruin his honor which i already did by doing studies .
Domestic environment was getting more frustrating and worse everyday .
Mom wanted me to get married and settle down because she was getting sick and weak day by day!
It felt that i was caught in thorny net and it was impossible to get out!
One evening when my elder brother and his wife argued and rushed into our room ,they broke our stuff including our small black and white t.v and my most favorite thing my old radio.
mom and we both sisters burst into cries.
Same evening when my father came for weekend I asked him to take me to Karachi where his best friend lived as my father often told about his friend who lived in Karachi and had five daughters .His all daughter worked in a garment factory .
I thought I
will go and
work there and
after settling down
I will bring
my mom and
sister to stay
with me .
I can NEVER
forgive that winter’s
evening which seemed
like a Terrible Storm
that seemed to
wanted us blow
out ! I left
house while crying
and leaving sick mother
behind with
younger sister was
most painful thing
for me .How I
convinced my mother
is other story .
We got on train without buying ticket .I was constantly crying a thought of unknown future was frightening .Leaving mom and sister behind with cruel brother and his wife was also so scary.
After 18 hours journey when train reached at Khairpur (where i live now) station my father suddenly told me that we will get down and will meet your aunt(sister of my father) .Probably will stay for one or tow days and then go to Karachi.
Long story short ,our stay to my aunt house and then in the house of my father's fast friend(my father in law) who was like elder brother to him got long.
We stayed there for more than three weeks ,i was in my own worries so i did not notice that there was something going in my father's mind .
My husband and his father (who was just kind of cousin then) asked my father that he wants to marry me .At that time i did not know that.
One day my husband (who was not husband then) gave me a letter in which he said that
"he liked me and asking for marrying me to my father ,hope you will not say No"
I was not in position to confess that i liked him since i was child as we both families visited each other in past.
But i also did not wanted to show that i am so weak and will accept his generosity quickly , so i said i have no intention to get married .
During stay i received a latter from my mom she was so sick and wanted to see me.
I asked father that i want to go to see mom immediately .When we left my (then not) husband , his father and my aunt accompanied us .
I thought they want to see my mom.
But on when we arrived i found mom normal which was huge satisfaction to my heart .Then one day when mom told that my father in law and aunt were there for the purpose i got upset because getting married was mean to leaving mother alone which i did not want to do at any cost.
This time father supported mom's decision and on the other side Ali assured me that he will bring my mom and sister to stay with us after marriage.
After marriage my mom stayed almost one year and my younger sister stayed for 4 years with us .
Ali kept his all promises and by doing extra hard work he prepared for another job interview and was selected among 80 candidates .
It was not ending
It was the beginning of new different kind of hardships but i cannot deny that with each single step we moved towards BETTER .
After 7 years our marriage was in danger due to influence of my in laws and joint family system .
But after living away from my husband for few years i realized that i love him and cannot live happily without him i did not waste the time and returned to him as he was starving to have me back, he proved it in later years...Then I told him that either I Loved Him since i was 10 or 11 years old .Life was changed and refreshed and since then our love and bonding getting deeper and deeper everyday :)
This was just one !
My life has many events which made me believe more deeply that though i was not most beautiful ,most smart or efficient but i was honest and loyal to all my relationships and commitments .
And may be my Creator liked my this only feature and hold my finger and led towards best!
Today when i have all the joys of life ,i pay gratitude in each breath for what My Creator has given me!!!
And this is why i say repeatedly that we should not be Disappointed ever as disappointment is disbelief in our Maker .
All he want is our belief in him
Once our belief is in him is unshaken by odds
He be more kind and merciful!
As he says "CALL ME , I AM HERE TO HEAR YOU"
Thank you for taking your time and reading ,God bless You All!!!
