Sunday, May 29, 2022

I May Sound A Strict Mother


Sometimes i wonder if i sound a strict mother . If so, then it's not about my perspective about worldly success that follows the good education mostly, but about the "person" i am actually.

I live in an under developed country where education is though declared free for all until tenth grade still huge number of children cannot get chance to go to school because of  many issues ,first excuse is poverty ,parents with narrow mindset prefer to put their child in child labor instead sending them school with hope they might have better future .

Second excuse is "attitude of parents" as in families with even good income people try to avoid sending their children school . They think why child waste time in attending school when he can help in family business meanwhile . I have many such examples around me here sadly. 

I won't dig further excuse bags and will stick to the main point rather.

I was born in lower middle class family and i went to school in small village where hardly few boys went to school and no other girl at all. I was first to go and study . My parents had good excuse to not send both of their girls to school but they still did. Despite my mother was illiterate but she had an enlightened mind and proof is the life she provided to us and the upbringing she could do.

Hubby was born in the lower middle class family as well . His father was mason but very generous and reasonable man .Despite of hand to mouth living he managed to get his children appropriate education. Hubby did his high school and masters degree as private student when his other siblings did not show interest in further education .

May be things i mentioned above influenced my mind to some extent and consequently i want my kids to get better education specially when they can. I admit that i had dreamed to have career as teenage girl which i could not make come true and most probably i want to feel that sense of achievement through my kids . But the kind of mother i had who supported me always  i too want to support my kids to do whatever they want in life . They have no pressure to study at all . They have liberty to decide which direction they want to go and what they want to achieve in life. 

 In my whole life there is no single act including this post that i planned before . I don't know why but i am made this way . I have no ability to plan things which makes me consider myself a stupid person. I had no agenda for life when i had life ahead nor i have any agenda to work on now as well.

For me life is what new day bring to me .I pay Thanks for this gift . I try to live it with absolute honesty . And i leave rest on the creator . This is my only strategy that no one should be harmed by my words or action .Try to help if possible if not than pray and that is it.

I believe that life is given to be happy and make others happy .I want my children to be happy and feel peace of mind as well. As far as concerned is worldly stuff and success i think we should not waste our time and energy in gaining things that cannot make any good difference in our life . If we are able to fulfill our necessities that is enough . Then we should seek for more learning  instead of earning. Attitude shapes our life and i prefer "easy one" because complications drain best of us only and spoil the peace of mind completely and life is too short to cover this loss .

The way i see life since some years, death is part  of it  and not to dread for but when i will realize time has come i would leave smilingly!

I mean to say all this is that if i sound strict it does not mean i want them to succeed for the worldly things but it is because i believe that whatever they choose to do they should do it properly .

My eldest son saw rough times with us when our new house was under construction . He had to leave his favorite school where he had best friends . This was first time i saw tears in his eyes .But we were helpless because due to few loans the salary was not enough to pay high fee of that school (Pak Turk school) .

My eldest son became normal in few days and restarted his studies in new school where he had to take his younger brother along on bicycle. Time passed but we could hardly imagine that hardships had great impact on him which he had secured in deepest corner of his heart . He turned out a very sensitive person . He was responsible and caring already though. He passed his tenth grade and high school quietly . He had an old second hand computer  at home on which he would see Khan Academy lessons often. We had no idea he is preparing to apply in other city or he will leave the house one day. 

He did all this quietly and when after high school he said he will study bachelor in Karachi, hubby fell into grave worry because he had no one in family who did this before . It was new for both of us. Hubby refused but i stood with him . I knew how it feels when one cannot make his dream come true . I convinced hubby that we should let him go and hope if he keeps us in his mind . Hubby thought his child will be lost in the crowd of big city like so many others he had heard or read. It did not happen fortunately. My eldest son made us peaceful and proud thankfully. He could achieve all this because he had four things ,vision , hard work ,will power and above all  strength to carry all this with honesty. He had gift certainly!

Honesty is my grave disease and incurable . When my younger son (who got admission in the Habib university)  cleared his high school i asked him if he wants to quit studies or do something else . I said so because i saw him less serious with studies .He is really intelligent and despite doing just routine work he always secured first position in each class but as mother i doubted he is not for intense studies . My younger son said he will continue. He is great at sketching so we advised him if he wants to study arts but he said he will do computer science . I told him if so he has to show good grades so universities can consider him for scholarships because good universities are expensive for us otherwise.

 But again he would show less interest in studies . He would study for two hours hardly and this is when i would remind him frequently He would join his videos and games afterwards . I am not complaining but i know he could have done better if he had wanted to . If he said he wanted to continue study he must have put more effort to do it better way. 

If i am wrong here i would like to know. 

Only me and my family knows how much effort i have put to push him . What else i could have done as a mother . If i would not do it and sit leisurely i would feel guilty that time is passing quickly and he is just a careless kid who does not understand what loss this carelessness can cause to him. I confess i think too much when it is about person's self respect and honor . I would try to encourage him that  i want you to achieve scholarship so in future you can also like your brother can be a self made and proud man . Your future family should also respect you for what you have achieved in life. 

I m positive that once he will be in university and will engage into proper routine of studies my younger son will show bright side of him . I said so because i had read somewhere that more intelligent  students need extraordinary environment to reveal their skills . My eldest son whom i take as inspiration says about his brother the same thing and i hope it is true. I wish him insight and success as mother.

His proper studies will start from mid August inshallah! 

We are leaving for Islamabad in next three days. Hope we will find some cool days and little rain there . 

Though i am missing my home already :(

  these gorgeous blooms managed to appear today finally because of slightly cloudy weather ,my happy morning sight :)


Whether in the form of garden or just empty space Nature is always there for us to listen and heal ,on us to have ability to hear her whisper and stop to refill our souls with peace and energy !

See you soon if life keeps it's promise :) 

stay blessed with faith that gives you wings of hope to fly in the sky of life always ! Blessings to all of you dear friends. Thank you for being so supportive always ! 

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

What Is "Reality " Actually ?


It is hard to define reality . Sometimes it seems that reality is everything and then next moment it feels nothing is reality here. Even a simplistic person like me is reaching to the point in life when it seems inevitable to accept that " reality " is complicated"

Last night we could see and talk to our eldest son for more than an hour. The joy was huge and indefinable because it was happening after two weeks . Yes my son was having guests at previous weekend so he could not call  us. Mubashir and Zaineb  friends of my son who are married couple now visited from Germany and spent a week with him.My son was happy to have them . For us the parents time seemed to  stretched so long though .

We had good chat last night ,at first my eldest son tried to guide his younger brother about his upcoming  joining to the Habib University and how can he utilize  this opportunity to better himself in various ways specially on socialization and availing the extra curricular activities alongside the  studies. 

Then he used a phrase that "echoed" in my head for long. He said       

" we are what our environment makes us" 

 i asked "what about what we are in real" ?

He said " reality is complicated " and " realities that we encounter in life shape us what we become eventually ".

I dropped the topic because i knew once we both are indulged in such conversation it can take hours and more probably .I have a bad habit to keep digging up others mind until i find something new to learn ,it's never about proving myself correct but to what others think and what is the origin of their thought and does it meets with laws of nature at some point?

 The phrase kept echoing in my mind until now . 

What is reality ? Is everything has a unique reality or we all are tiny parts of one big reality ? 

Sometimes feels that "reality " is like a tree who's roots are planted into "nothingness"  or "mysterious unknown unseen grounds" and everything else is part of this tree .Time is stem and space is branches , bodies attached to it are leaves , creations and creature existing on those bodies are fruits eaten by another unknown unseen reality  eventually .

 As we observe that everything in the universe including us behaves similar way almost ,so if we have to solve the sum of "reality" we will have to observe how reality present here before our eyes works actually . According to scientists reality is of two kind observable and unobservable . They say that observable part of the reality is far smaller than reality that is unobservable and beyond comprehension. If visible reality as "whole" works similar way no matter how numerous forms it has and how far these forms exist from each other invisible reality must act similarly and is interconnected and interchangeable .

 So when we look at observable reality everything seems to travel in circle whether it is living or non living, as everything has age ,it born ,it decay and it die. From death or lets say from the part when things transforms into form that is invisible to our eyes,  process of transformation continues for longer period of the time until things reappear in their visible shape once again though not perfectly in same shape  but in some other form, but with similar "core seedling" most probably . 

Meanwhile here on earth things go under process of transformation as invisible reality ,such as dead bodies of plants ,animals and humans below the ground we know that there is dense community of micro organism who work hard to make this transformation happen. 

With tiny period of life and captivated in glass of time space, for us this process seems so long but if move it fast forward and observe from above things will look pretty amusing and funny i guess .Do you think someone is enjoying the show for whom this all is just a game .even though  it is hard to bring such power in imagination even .

Okay , if unobservable reality works exactly like observable reality and all objects floating within  spacetime  heavy or light including time and space itself die eventually and are absorbed by the unobservable reality ,there must be also some kind of micro organism to transform it slowly for billions and billions and billions of years and push it forward to reappear once again as observable realities sprouting in countless forms here and there in the universe and taking on their visible journey once again. Can you imagine how many times it might have repeated ?

 Astrophysicts  mention that " matter" exists within the unobservable universe  like small bubbles or numerous tiny island existing in the ocean and at the edge of both where invisible meets visible we  find the struggle of anti matter to take form of matter and then disappear swiftly .

 Doesn't it seem like unobservable realty is spread beyond our imagination like raw material from which "material" takes place . But How and Why are questions that scratch my head badly.

Okay last thing for now ,again if we match the behavior or both realities here on planet earth or in universe as whole we can make good guess i think . Like in the womb brain is the very first thing that forms and then the rest of the body takes place smoothly. 

Is it  not very much possible that Consciousness of the visible reality existed before the materialistic form ?

 It seems that like "Consciousness" wandered in the empty universe for ages alone . She started her journey like a baby may be and then as she aged and became stronger and wiser. She looked for meaning for her existence and to achieve that she needed  "expressions" through which she can reveal herself and then she invented ways to do so gradually . She started to dressed up with matter and showed what she has and what she can do . What you say ? 

Hope i did not bother you much precious people if so i am sorry. please  stay positive and it is possible when you hold the umbrella of the "faith" tightly :) hugs and blessings!


Thursday, May 19, 2022

The Stuff That Belongs To My Heart Only

  It is a hot and windy day today, yes same old news which can last for next  seven to eight months most probably. Temperature is 46 c . Wind is very hot as hubby told me when returned from office that on motorcycle it hurts feet because of friction. But to me air is air specially when i can see how much soul it put into stillness when  passes by the everything that can respond to her embrace .

It seems that like me  they all feel happy in airy or such slightly windy days ( 26km ph). The dancing branches of my neem tree, waving plants in the garden and moving curtains of the house seem reflect their joy spontaneously. I don't express anything or may be i o quietly within myself  i don't know all i know i feel so much alive when i see the environment vibrant and delightful when meting air :)

After lunch me and hubby watched a movie on Netflix "Perfect Paring" i think this was second good thing that happened to me today . Story was light and cast was cute .What i loved most was lush place it was filmed yes my weakness the gorgeous countryside of Volta Australia wow i was fascinated by the serene and beautiful views! 

Now when i mentioned this one i also want to share my huge likening for the movie we watched almost month back " Little Woman" Oh i loved it. Beautifully made and reflects the glory of the novel to quite extent. I have not read the book until now though i have it on my kindle . 

When i mention any book my brain quickly try to remind me what a failure i am  until now in reading :( But next moment thanks to meditation that has strengthen my mind little bit enough to pull myself back and stay positive with hope that life will surly bring time to do things i want to do ,for now i am enjoying time with family and that means lot to me !

This part of post i am writing right now has shifted into night time yes the part above was written in afternoon around 4 pm but then i had guests from my in laws . Two of my sister in law ( wives of hubby's brothers) came to visit me .I was expecting them during Eid holidays as usual but they both weren't feeling well sadly .One of them still had migraine. She is taking medicine but effect is temporary she said . It reminded me my youth days before marriage when i used to have migraine. I felt miserable for some years though it left after marriage surprisingly thankfully. 

My youngest son is giving examination for tenth grade. His exam will last for next five days ,today he gave his second paper. Each paper includes three sections ,mcqs , short answer and long answer . Students are given three hours to solve each . Today when he returned he seemed bit low when i asked he told that his last answer remained half and time was over. I said he must have look for time management as he has wrist watch for this purpose .My son said the "short answers" were so long to answer . I said how so ,you have to answer short if question comes under term of short answer . I tried to make him feel better . 

I know it hurts when you are not able to write particularly you know the whole answer . He has promised he will be more cautious next time (hopefully) 

It is 8:30pm ,our nightfall starts now days around 7 to 7:15 . Wind has changed into breeze which i can feel coming from window soothingly. In city no starry sky is available but what a valuable gift is this imagination that i can see the magical starry sky so clearly like i am stand on a glob solely that is floating among huge giant stars quickly ,from above to below ,left to right wherever i can see sky is bursting with stars that seem so close !

Can you imagine the view the thrill and the magic ?  

This is why i love being "fool" there is so much privilege that fools keep over "clever" believe me .To witness this enchanting glory i would have to wait for thousands of years and there might still no chance specially when life period is extremely short already for man :(


Whoever has created this universe we all know that in this everlasting  darkness he has challenged us to light it up with our own light and with  labor of love  :) no light no shape no weight is without constant struggle ! blessings to all of you precious friends!

Friday, May 13, 2022

Birds That Nestle In My Front Yard Every Year


   It is 45 c outside ,an extremely hot day though lightly breezy which makes it bearable . According to news heat can rise to 60 c in next two weeks it frightens me to think of such high temperature  when 48 to 50 c drains out my energy from my veins and makes me feel fainting.

 Through the window Looking at plants waving with gentle gusts of breeze in my small garden fills my heart with joy and wonder ,how such delicate leaves can tolerate the scorching sun whole day and still can look as lovely, though roses blooming during such extreme heat seems to shrink and appear in single petal pattern instead dense thickly layered. 

This year i missed the pair of tiny black blue birds who used to nestle in our pomegranate every year. 

                                                                        google image

This year hubby trimmed it more due to it's wide spread branches that were restraining the entrance gate little bit . The cute couple started to visit our yard in early spring but looked little disappointed when they found the branches that used to provide them shelter to nest were disappeared completely. I thought they will  comeback o check out but no sign yet .They have found another place to nest probably ,hope the place they choose is safe home for them and their new born .

The dove pair who used to nest in our climber for years appeared as usual and nestled in.

 It is strange pleasure to have such feathery friends around who are busy in shaping their life and  creating families just like us . Isn't it so obvious that we can find all the "fun" and "amusement" in material world but when it comes to find "peace of mind and soul" we find it only in the Nature ?

When we moved here our Neem tree was small so the tiny blue and black birds would nestle in one of our pot plant which was Jasmine ,i still wonder how they managed to make nest in Jasmine branches which was not dense at all . One night when we were sleeping in the yard and had thunderstorm suddenly we all ran inside while holding our traditional beds and electric pedestal fan . With our half sleepy minds when we all were settling into our beds my eldest son ran back into yard and brought the whole nest branch inside . Power was gone so we saw with torch that one of tiny bird and his or her babies were all wet and babies were cooing slightly due to fear .My son took them out of the nest gently and put them in the towel . Till morning they were dry and better ,my son put them in the sunlight . As day passed babies seemed to gain their energy well and grew faster surprisingly .Then came my favorite sight when both parents fly around their babies and encourage them to fly by shouting :)

 I love seeing all this every year though i can hardly take some appropriate photos to share with you guys . Most important reason for this is that i don't want to disturb them because in the beginning when i tried they seemed annoyed and complainer so i leave them alone so i may not loose them .

Another pair of small birds is Robin but they mostly appear in June or July if i remember correctly .

 They are most friendly because they nestle in thinner part of the pomegranate and hardly feel bothered when we are around . I think i have shred their images in some of my older post.

You probably be wondering why so much contemplation on this topic today ? 

I think this is hard time for me as mother once again . Despite of al the joy for my younger son's success regarding admission in Habib university i am sad that another son of mine is about to leave now . Being a kid of new modern age he is smart and confident boy who is surly looking forward to opportunities where he can prove himself and i am sure he will settle down as self dependent young man soon. But as a housewife and mother i have gave my whole life and all energies to grow these kids and looking after the house. It seems the realization that we will be left alone soon is scaring me inside. Though as compare to past i am feeling more aware about how will i be using my time and energy and in which things ,that is satisfaction if my health allows me to do so. 

Question is can we survive by living alone ? I don't have the answer but time has it and will tell in future for sure . 

Nothing can stay the same in this life as life is name of constant change . Even the death which is a painful departure according to our perspective .From the Nature's point of view death is only a little part of nonstop transformation process because everything in the life and universe is moving in circle for the eternity .

Precious friends keep taking good care of yourself please !

stay blessed with faith who gives you wings to fly in the endless sky of hope and believe me in this whole life nothing is more beautiful than hope because in your hands it is like rope which can bring you out from the dark well of despair. Hope is divine sign of faith and it grows in hearts who are enlightened with faith no matter what .

blessings to all of you!

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Happy Eid And No Scholarship But We Got Relief From University


We all have different yearly celebrations to celebrate with our loved ones Despite they all have different background yet they share same purpose, to give us reason to ,show gratitude ,get together and have pleasant time with those we value in life. 

Here in my homeland Pakistan we celebrated our yearly festival Eid Ul Fitar on 3rd may that follows at the end of Ramadan Month . On such special days we all miss our eldest son most but thanks to technology that we can see and listen to him on screen at least and for while .All parents who's children are away for various reason know what i mean.

This year Eid day came into stormy months which made it hard to keep house tidy as sand was showering down with wind constantly though sometimes it would get speedy and sometimes slow we still have that specific dull sky loaded with sand particles that pour down time to time . My excessive involvement in house cleaning gave me heavy doze of flue and sneezing and seems my mask failed to restrain the germs entering into my nose . I am still feeling feverish. I hope you consider my sharing just facts instead of complains. We some how had power during the two days of Eid thankfully which allowed us to watch some favorite tv shows together in some leisurely time. On the Eid evening i went to visit my mother in law and afterwards hubby gave me motorbike tour of our small city as usual . Sharing some images below all taken on eid day.

my younger son lost eight to ten pounds as he fasted for thirty days by the grace of lord! his first attempt to complete the all as usually he would take break after few and than continue but this year he did it . This was also a part of his joy besides the achievement he made while entering in best university of the country the Habib university . Let me share that my younger could not get scholarship despite of his 80% grads in high school and Sat . Officials from university gave the reason that students who applied  from Karachi city had  90% and plus marks so no place left for those who were under 90% . This was shocking and worrying for us so we emailed to the Dean and Financial Aid department and after some calls and emails things got better .yes  authorities agreed to off more than 50% of tuition fee and now we have to pay only forty five percent of it which is still a Huge for us yes and for which we will try to look "loan option" to pay it easily let's see what happens . despite of such worries we are happy that our younger son is going to be part of  a very impressive institution . He had make us proud and peaceful like his elder brother and hope he will continue to to do so in future .

 my niece (my brother's daughter) sent few images yesterday , Actually my younger sister (second on right ) visited our brother on Eid day and they all together went to visit Khanpur dam ,so my niece wanted to show me her photo . pretty little girl on left is daughter of my sister from her second marriage ,the boy in sky blue shirt is her son ,other two children a little girl in pink in the mid and boy in yellow are also her children from third marriage ,her husband is standing in the middle .my sister in law on right. girl on left in pink is daughter of my cousin who is sister of my sister in law 

on left is sister of my sister in law (my first cousins) on right is my niece who sent these photos .in the middle is my sister sitting with ma Zehra who is one hundred and probably thirteen years ,she was our first neighbor in village and loved us like her own . she is seriously sick though she has survived from paralyzing and is able to sit again miraculously  .

That is all for now Precious people ,will be visiting you asap !
Please keep being kind to you and all around you as this is best gift you can give to yourself!
That is all for now pre

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