Do you ever feel that our hidden desires become so obvious as we age. I feel quite helpless front of my desire of learning sometimes. Helplessness is not an enjoyable state for all of us .
When i see back in time i realize that desire for learning kept me anxious since i was child. As little girl from village consist of 33 houses hardly it was challenging to satisfy the urge for learning.
After befriending with hills and trees laying before my eyes i would spend rest of my time in doing homework ,helping mom in house and reading digests , or books borrowed from school library and scrolling magazines brought by my father.
While helping mom when reading was not possible i would on the radio and listen literary programs hosted by prominent intellectual personalities of 80s.
Despite of being annoyed for my such endless desperation my mother would walk some miles to town near by to post letters i would write to radio programs . I now, wonder how a mother living in small village like that can be as understanding and broadminded ,so she would take pain to post letters of her daughters to strangers without raising any question?
My eyes get teary when i think of the depth of my mom had as person . Such deep love and strong faith in child is rarely seen.
As a person what matters for me in relationship is having blind
" faith" in each other. And this is because my mom made me habitual of it by having it in me. For me this "faith" is love actually.
I think i was in my early or mid teens when mom bought a 14 inch black and white tv . Unlike now tv had only channel that would start from 3pm to 12am. At the beginning international supports were shown for one hour . At 4pm a program for Quran learning would be telecast for half hour and then some English show for children would come . Only one drama would telecast at 8pm after that news followed by political show . I would wait for 11pm when an old Hollywood would come. I don't have words to tell how desperately i would wait for the movie because it was the only thing that would match my mental level of "entertainment "
I wish i would have written down the names of those movies and shared it with you so i can hear how much you love them . But i can tell that they were some best telecast on our national television subject wise and presentation.
I would call radio my second mom back then . But tv and books even digest added much into my knowledge . And this is because i was keen learner .
I still have a copy on which i would write random stuff copied from various sources including pieces of paper i would get with some food i buy such as fritters etc .
Now when i am in my early fifties i still feel desperate to learn something all the time .
Feels like something is "Missing" from the map of life and this anxiousness is pointing out towards it . What it can be "
Can't say right now.
I tried to chase my instinct for learning blindly ,I ma good at "self control" thankfully but this innocent desire does not seems to come in list of restriction for me so i follow it everywhere .
I thought after taking my my masters degree in English i would feel satisfied but feels like when i crossed one river i saw many others ahead ...
For now i am trying to fill this space with book reading ,watching thrillers and mysteries on Netflix and wondering how it will end?
Or there is no end no beginning just circling round and round ?
If so ,then this desire has been wearing me since timelessness probably thank you for being incredibly kind always dear friends!
on my request eldest son shared this photo ,he arranged a little gettogether at his apartment on Saturday night for playing board games 
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