Thursday, May 6, 2021

Fear Of Death Then And Now

 As i mentioned i got sick after death of my aunt .I had recovered from this sickness in almost three months.I was better physically but the terrible way my aunt died during labor pain  had left me filled with dread.Dread of loosing loved ones.I was close to my cousins. One of them is wife of my brother now. So their laments for their mother pierced my heart. Fear of loosing my own mother made me suffer day and night. I became obsessed with mom.I would try to to comfort her in each possible way so i can keep her safe from dying.I remember when she had fallen ill in summers .I would wave hand fan for her for hours in night .I would lean upon her and try to confirm if she was still breathing. During day when she would sit i would massage her head, press her legs and shoulder to comfort her. That Phase of life which i had spent with my mom was different one.I  could not imagine life without her.She was like God to me ,my shelter and savior,my complete life support.The way she brought me up i realized we will remain inseparable for eternity .

But My real God had different plans for me.Things started to change after few years of my marriage.When my younger sister left my house after almost four years.She had completed her tenth grade while living with me in my husband's house.I brought her  here after my marriage to protect her from cruelties of my brother and sister in law .And I kept her until she completed her  studies .But she decided that she will not go to collage further for further study.She had some plans in her mind so she left our house against mom's will who wanted her to study more so mom can find her good husband. How she made my mom to leave village and move Islamabad ,it is another story for other time.She did some semi government and private jobs in Islamabad for two years almost.Meanwhile she met with someone and decided to marry him within few months.Then she left for America where she spent six years.She visited Pakistan twice in between.

Progress in my sister's life influenced my life and my relationships with mom badly gradually.In the beginning she  asked me to come and live with mom .We were thinking about buying plot so can build house and move there. Hubby was doing part time job along with government job he had in daytime.We had only one child then .So i left home and went to live with mom.I admitted my son in school there and started private job .My job timing was from 7: 30 to 6 pm. i lived there for almost three years. I think from  1997 to 2001 or bit more or less .Meanwhile my sister was in u s a.She came to visit once during my stay there.It was probably my second year there.This was the most painful time for me when she disrespected me with each move.Hubby would also sent me money each month and i was paying half rent of house ,buying my own groceries and doing all what was needed to comfort mom and keep house neat and managed.I would sleep for five hours hardly so i can not give her chance to accuse me.I then wanted to stay away from in laws house because constant troubles from mother in law and rest family was disturbing our life specially upbringing of my child.Therefore i wanted to stay there until my sister stays in america. But it seemed as my sister had ocean of hate within her heart for me i terribly wondered Why ?I would have never ever written  all this about her but if i won't the reason  for my  absence when my parents needed me most can't be conveyed .My own little sister whom i thought part of my own being always was not anywhere anymore.She started to treat me like stranger and create distance between me and mom.I feel so embarrassed and broken to say this but she would ask mom to not meet with me because she hats me. When i first time heard this i thought i wish i would have died before listening this from my little sister whom i loved like my baby (six years younger than me) .I was silly girl who loved family and wanted to stick together.Did whatever i could do to keep my mother and sister out of misery and provided.Hubby's support during all this melted my heart and i feel i owe him so much!

Mom did not disconnected completely though but i knew nothing will be the same again specially when worldly progress made my sister proud , distant and hateful towards me. I felt like someone has pushed me inside deep dark well and i will never come out of it again.I would not wanted to come out of it this was the worst part.It was like someone pulled ground below my feet and i am falling down and down and down.. !

If i will write how and how many times my sister misbehaved with me and broke my heart it will take few days. I was completely in shock with her new face.She was not the same person or same sister whom i knew once.It was as if her whole previous life was only a pretending and what eyes were seeing right now was real!

This way my mother was ripped away from me.It was not  harder than  snatching nails from fingers!Except my God only hubby knows how this separation crushed me for forever!

Now when i look back i feel this time was a time of transformation. It was like the one i used to be was turned into ashes and life was constructing me on whole new base again.Reality ! yes this was hard reality of real life that people change when their situation is changed.I knew this little bit before but i never knew that such blood relationships can also be affected by economical changes.

I could not meet properly with my parents for next almost twenty years because of my only crime was that my parents adored me more for my simplicity and selflessness.But was this my sin or trait installed in my nature.Was this crime as huge that i deserved such punishment.

My mom specially sister were changed person.Despite of all this i would try to visit and meet mom when go to Islamabad but my sister would pressurize her on phone to keep distance .Therefore when me and my children notice cold behavior of my parents i would leave from their house in few days. Mom too would visit me but for short time and she would though not directly but indirectly tell that she does not want us to keep away but her hands are tied.

My sister also visited me few times.When i would appreciate her visit she would say she came here to only for change as i don't worth for such expensive fare she would pay just to see me.She would make fun of me when see me busy in house chores and that it is pity to live with such low income .Actually when we built this house we were in three kind  house loans ,that would leave us with less than half salary which was hardly enough to manage  basic necessities but that condition sustained for four years only and when loan was paid finally we were back to normal routine of life.But my sister would criticize instead being kind.

My parents lived in house that my sister had built in Islamabad with money she had earned in U S A. In 2009 probably she returned and could not go back again because she had lost driving licence due to drunk driving for three times.This made my sister frustrated and her frustration made her misbehave with my parents who were in their seventies and dependent on her. She treated them badly and this came into my knowledge first when my father died and she did not informed me.I was informed after fifteen days by one of my cousin who asked me why i did not came to my father's funeral .I don't how to put in words the amount of pain i felt  then.It was unbearable believe me.I felt like my spirit has left my body and i am living dead. My sister was not on that bad terms with me as before it happened she came to visit me for a week. I never showed her through my behavior  that how unjustly she treats me when i visit to her to meet my parents.I would serve her like maid during her stay  but  each time she would  leave. One night before leaving she would create excuse and scene.She would shout and use abusive words and all for nothing.I would shed tear silently while reading my holy book without replying her a word.So despite of her visit she did not inform me about the death of my father. I think this was deepest wound she gave me!

Dying once and physically is easier but death that crushes one's soul in such painful way and slowly is hardest one!Makes one  wonder all the time  Why ? 

When me and my sister were young like i was sixteen and she ten.She would sometime say i would marry to a prince with blue eyes who will own huge castle like home and big cars.I would smile and say i won't marry ever but if i have to i will marry to a person who will respect me and then love me.I will not marry rich but a man who will advance himself from nothing to something and i will support him in this journey with all my heart.

She was really pretty and admired  by everyone but criticized at the same time for her mischievousness.I was called common face ,duffer ,silly but obedient one.We were different but we were sisters .I loved her and despite of all she did to me i still do.If it was in my hands to make myself person she would love i would have done it .Once when after my parents death we met i said to her that" i learnt from mom long ago that you hate me", "but do you think about reason for which you hate me "? she did not reply but continued humming .I then hold her hand and said ,you hate me for reason that i did not create ,it is in my nature .can't you understand this ? Next day she created one side fight and left.

When mom fell ill in 2011 my sister called me to Islamabad and asked me that take mom to  hospital in city Lahore as she does not have time for this.When i reached there with my youngest son i was surprised to see how weak and sick mom had became .Shaukat Khanum hospital in Lahore city was known for treating cancer .It was  four hour night journey in rail car.My youngest son was also with me.We reached and registered name to have number .We spend hours in queue.When doctor saw mom she said they cannot rely on previous test results and so mom has to go through tests once again.

I had money but far less than that needed for tests.I phoned my sister and she said she will see the matter later and right now we should take train and return.I don't know it was constant train travel or what on same night i got sick.I felt extremely cold and then fever and non stop  vomiting.Till morning i was drained and burning with fever.

My sister broke all records of being heartless ,she made me walk to the hospital that was almost three km away.I walked while holding walls of houses or by taking breaks and sit on ground as she was walking before me and far away from me. I  was not in my senses due to high fever .That walk towards hospital  made me believe that my sister does not pretend but she hates me actually. Doctor scold her that how can she can she treat patient inhumanly.

When we returned she did not give any food to my child nor me.Mom was not allowed to come near me .She sneaked in my room and asked me to leave immediately .I was little better because of two doses of medicine i took.But weakness due to constant vomit and lack of food along with worry for my child who was hungry since night saddened me deeply!

I left house and reached to railway station.This was most dreadful journey of my life.I was trying to keep my eyes open so i can look after my son all the time.

When i reached home i was serene .Warmth of hubby's love and care made me recover within less than twenty days. After a week my sister called me and said she wanted to put mom in old home.I was really sad because mom was one who made her able to live life of her dreams and when now she needed help my sister was throwing her away. I requested her to send mom to me.Mom insisted to stay with her but when i forced her she came to me eventually .We took mom to the doctor who told she is last stage of throat cancer.He said she is really weak and not able to go through autopsy and nor it will make any difference so keep her on medicine ,He added it is on her will power if she will be strong and positive she can live for few years but if not she can end in months.

Mom later told that eight months before when she found her spit red she was alarmed and asked my sister to take her to the doctors .She did not pay attention and when this happened frequently i insisted by reminding her all i did for her and how i looked after her money supervised house building wen she was in foreign. Mom said i reminded her how i kept her house neat and managed and saved kept her money saved by doing all this by herself.It was her turn to do something for me and she kept neglecting me since eight months.Now when i developed the disease because of her negligence she has thrown me out of her life.Mom's stubbornness about this strengthened her sickness<If she would have calm and forget about my sister which tried most through my words and care she would have not died because she had bee  always strong self aware and  really caring about her health but now she did not seem in her senses.was on edge of  sorrow and disappointment.She started to force to send her back day and night.We were so worried about her such weird behavior . She would not take medicine nor eat.I would cry and insist and she would say just take me to that cold blooded who thinks i will let her go away with this.I did all i could do to keep her with me but it was not in my fortune to be beside her when she leaves world!

I took her back and returned to my home inevitably. After week wife of my brother called and complained that my sister left my mom 's responsibility on her shoulder  which is unfair .I was stuck and lost with such intense situation .My brother's house was last only earth where mom would have agreed to stay.I decided to go there and take mom back.Hubby reserved my seat in train for me.and when date for leaving remained few days away.My sister called and informed my mother has died .I felt my body paralyzed for while .Hubby came back and saw me drowned in pain. We took bus that takes few hours less than train.I was still and silent like dead.No tear dropped from my eyes.Everything seemed shallow and meaningless.I felt so empty as i was hollow balloon roaming in endless space aimlessly .Hubby would see me once in while if i was not fainted .I was fainted but my eyes remained open and i forgot to blink and wanted to forget breathing either.

This time i was able to say goodbye my mother atleast!When we reached there they were about to bury her.They saw me and hold for minutes.I sat closed to her carriage and  touched my mom's face .I scream came out of my mouth with words that would keep killing me since years" Why mom why ? " This scream liberated tears and i cried for twenty days i that i spent there .

What i feel since then ,death is not when one physically dies and buried in ground .There are times when death is relief and salvation.I wanted to have a normal family who shares common love and respect.Nothing else i wanted from life.And my Creator revealed that there is only one true relationship and it is only "man's relation with his maker" all other creations are mere worldly illusions and mortal like bubble of water.Relying on them is fatal .Wanting them more than Maker himself is ignorance and disastrous.If love is rooted within you deeply and strongly just share it but never have hope to get it back from people's .If you do goodness to anyone.Your Creator takes responsibility to give it back to you in better form.

You are part of your Maker and surely not away from Him.But he is not only around you but he is within you in form of your wisdom.If you turn to Him he turns to you and strengthens you with His eternal   power.The more you connected to Him the more He flourish Himself within you.There is no start nor end but life is journey in a circle .During this journey you will be changing your shapes but one thing is certain that in each shape you take you will be given more and  more power which will empower your kind whether negative or positive  each time.

When i comprehend life and death it was simple and easy to not fear from death but wait for it while enjoying life.Keep death in mind so life can be meaningful.

S=This post is written in three days,i am sorry it is long .i tried hard to keep it to the point but i am not skilled!

blessings to all of you precious friends and thank you for bearing with me!

To avoid negativity i started job in school again.It helped me to get back my normal way of thinking.Then after one year i left it because my absence was effecting my younger son's studies.This was time when i realized that i have to face what is troubling me .I started yoga and meditation and it made my mental condition better slowly.

I think that now i am in position to understand the secret pattern of life that our Creator design for us. 


  1. Your last sentence is wise. We have no control on what our creator has designed for us.

  2. I agree, we have no control on what Creator has in mind for us.

  3. I am so sorry for the family situation you endured. I will never understand why people can't treat one another nicely. It takes so much more effort to be cruel and kindness is more satisfying.

  4. Thank you for sharing so much in this post and your previous post ...
    Blessings to you dear Baili.

    All the best Jan

  5. Our maker leads us to where we need to be, if we choose to listen.

    You have always been listening :-)

  6. This pandemic has been a test to all, baili.
    Even to our mental health.
    Have a great weekend

  7. Very interesting read Baili.
    Your sister, oh dear me - rather cruel of her not to tell you your father had passed.
    Our lives are mapped out by the creator.
    Take care, hugs to you.

    1. sometimes when pain was unbearable i thought what was my Creator thinking when he made me ?,dear Margaret ,he could have make my heart hard to this point at least that i can hate her back or hate anyone who made me suffer .
      i can't complain to people but only wonder he wants to prove by making people as different from each other
      i had to share about part of her cruelties she did to me because of mentioning death of my parents in such painful circumstances other wise i would have not mentioned her here

    2. Understand you Baili.
      'He' only gives us as much as we can take, 'He' strengthens us and tests us - well that's what I think :)

  8. So sad to read that a sister could be so cruel. But what shines through your story is your own good spirit and closeness to our Maker.

  9. I'm always impressed by your quest for knowledge and meaning. And your strength when faced with such sorrow. You are an inspiration.

  10. Love freely given will be returned many fold! So true!

  11. This was so very interesting to read and I literally felt your pain, both with your sister and your loving mother. What a confusing time this was for you. I'm happy to hear that you found some peace in meditation and yoga, and your beliefs in the Creator is very sustaining!

    Sending love,

    Jane x

  12. My dearest Baili, how my eyes filled with tears as I read this heart-rending post.😢 My precious friend, you have suffered so much pain in your life...and yet you remain unchanged, in the way that your beautiful Soul remains loving and caring. The cruelty of others is something I am wholly familiar with too. It does wound you for life when family members treat you badly. I just want to reach out and hug you. I would have been proud to have been your sister.
    Sadly, it does appear that when some people become prosperous, they change for the worst and become proud and self-centred, abandoning friends and family they knew before. Why they do this is beyond my understanding. Without love and compassion in our hearts, what are we but empty shells?
    My dear, dear friend...although physically far from you, I hold you in my and always. And you are as important to me as any of my own family.
    Stay safe, stay positive...and know that you are a very special person.😊😊

    Sending you all my love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  13. Hi Dear Baili, This last week I have watched the news on TV. It has been so sad to see the conditions COVID is causing in India. I am happy to see your post here on May 6th and know that you are well. I love your work to understand what the Creator has destined for us humans. You are on the right path and making good progress! I am keeping you on my prayer list. God bless you blogging friend! John

  14. Dear Baili, I always admire how open you are! Thank you for sharing this, what a story! You went through a lot, but I agree with you that God has bigger plans for us and everything, good and bad is a part of that plan. So sorry about your sister behaviour. Have a lovely new week!

  15. Hello Baili,
    What a sad story, I am sorry you have suffered so much pain, cruelness and loss.
    Your seem to found a way to feel stronger, that is a good thing. Take care and stay well. Sending prayers, God bless you!

  16. You are so right, my dear friend. We have no control. It's best to just live life daily with love and joy in our heart. xo

  17. É comovente o amor que você tem pela sua família e como sofre quando as coisas não correm bem. A sua capacidade de perdão vai aumentado tenho a certeza. Que Deus a ajude.
    Uma boa semana com muita saúde.
    Um beijo.

  18. Dear Baili, you have suffered so much; endured so much; cried so much; lost so many through death and through the hatred and cruelty that was in the hearts of others. And yet, you have come to a place of peace and serenity. You have found meaning in all this. And you truly show us that out of death (and there are many kinds of death) can come life. Out of darkness, light. But we have to open ourselves to the possibility of life and light. And, by the grace of Oneness, you have done that. You truly have a beautiful soul. Peace.

  19. I am so sorry to hear how your younger sister treat you, Baili. She hurts you deeply. I hope your strength and patience will heal these wounds and reduce your pain.

    Take care, Baili

  20. Grata por esta partilha, tão particular! Ela me fez recordar a relação conturbada que a minha tia sempre teve com o meu pai... por ciúmes infundados, de que a minha avó, sempre tinha gostado mais dele, do que dela... quando na realidade foi precisamente o contrário... há pessoas, que simplesmente são infelizes, na sua essência, e quando não têm razão, criam razões para fazerem da vida dos outros um suplício, enquanto se vitimizam... e distorcem as situações...
    Depois de tudo o que nos contou... eu jamais conseguiria encarar uma pessoa assim... da mesma forma, que depois do meu pai ter morrido, nunca mais voltei a olhar para a minha tia... acabou por morrer sozinha, e enganada por gente estranha, segundo me contaram depois, tempos mais tarde, mas de quem ela se considerava muito amiga... mas não quis para mim, aquilo que ela sempre proporcionou ao meu pai... uma vida de inferno, com discussões intermináveis... porque há pessoas, que simplesmente não sabem viver de outra forma...
    Não se desgaste com o passado, que não pode mudar, Baili! Viva feliz, na companhia dos seus... e esqueça-se de quem não lhe faz bem... e de quem não quer o seu bem...
    Um beijinho! Tudo de bom!

    1. i forgot my pain when i read your's dear Ana !

      thank you for the honesty and for the kindred soul you shared here my precious friend!
      relationships specially the blood one hurt most and you experienced it with the harsh behavior of your aunt.i felt sorry for her for the circumstances she went through after loosing her most precious relationships with your father and you.believe it or not i fear for my sister that may lord not show her same situation because she did not sow any good at any heart at all .and she broke my heart completely and i felt walking bare feet on burning sand meanwhile .i am glad that time passed and i feel nothing but just pray for her because she is my sister after all.

  21. This post is heartbreaking, Baili. To think your sister would not tell you about your father's death. That is crueler than your brother destroying your writing. You can't control what others do. You can only control your reactions. What stands out to me is how much your husband loves and supports you. You have been blessed with a wonderful partner and family, and obviously your oldest son has grown into an amazing and loving adult. I am so sorry that things have gone badly between you and your sister. Sometimes when a person treats you badly, you have to let them go until they change their behavior for the better. It sounds like your sister is very unhappy. I know you will always have a place for her in your heart, and I pray that things improve between you. Take care, my friend!

  22. your comment is often as umbrella opens up and saves from scorching sun dear Louise!!!

    no matter how hard i try i can't remember a single harm i done to my brother was horrible but he never had dare to fight me right on my face not because of that i was more powerful than him physically or else but he knew that he was wrong every single time and he knew that if he raised hand on me once things will not remain as they were before because it will end bad because he knew i would never step back from my right point of view and for which i was supported by even the relatives of my sister in law.
    but he raised hands on my sister and twice ,to protect her from him i brought my sister along to my husband's house .i could continue my own studies as hubby wanted to but we preferred that my sister complete her matriculation and then collage .
    we were newly married still hubby never complained but my in laws did .i always thought her as my own child but she forgot everything once she landed in Islamabad and them America. i objected on her ways and warned her that short cuts never provide a sustainable success.this was my only sin. i only wanted her betterment but she thought i am degrading her and hatter she grew and strengthened in her heart was shocking .my mom told me in her last visit to us that your sister hats you so much .i felt so alone and broken because life for me is other name of relationship and family .my brother was never real brother thing and now i lost sister. once my sister said "you will have no one around one day because you think yourself special" she said so when i was trying to convince her that she should leave some bad habit in order to have organized social life.
    i am deeply thankful to my Creator who blessed me with such nice ,sweet and caring husband who never made me realize that my family left me alone and tried hard to fulfill that space in my life with his love and support.this is really blessing of my lord!


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