Saturday, May 1, 2021

Fear Of Death And Death Stories From My Family!

 Once  Death  seemed to me  like an endless dark ocean  in which all streams of life fall eventually.I still remember the moment when as little girl i understood that death exists.Yes i was weird.When i look back at that little girl ,she seems truly weird.Always obsessed with learning but dumb enough to forget things quickly.Yes for others i was absent mind but no one knew that i was living two lives at same time .May be this was the reason particularly that i would forget things fast because my mind would love to dwell in fantasy world of imagination more.But when i would return to real world i was most practical among all ,i still find it a weird quality .

Back to Death ,yes i remember the day when i first time learnt that people die.I hardly have any strong memory belong to city Hyderabad where we lived before moving to mom's native village but memory belong to that special day is so strong and surprisingly so visible in my memory box.That day when mom told that mister Bhatti (our house owner ) has died.I asked her what does this mean? She replied" he has gone to Allah and will never come back again".I did not knew about Allah much then but the sound of "he will never come back " made me sad because i knew that baby (name of  deceased daughter) will be sad to hear this.

I came across to meaning of death in true and tremendous way when my elder brother died and never came back .I did not remember much but i remember that he was loved most by parents, by us by relatives ,neighbors .I remember how energetic ,enthusiastic and loving he was. though these memories are distorted and foggy yet they are alive .Later as i grew and we moved to village and mom told stories about him with tears and we grew up while hearing these stories memories  got clearer.He was hyper active child .Super intelligent adored by teachers.He could not study continuously because he had to admit in hospital for months after diagnosing t.b.His restless and hyper active nature kept him connected not only to studies but in spare time he would visit wards and greet other patients and offer help.Mom would tell that doctors who were treating him found him an unusual child. She would show us his notebooks that he would write as probable home work. Mom would say he knew somehow that he has short time so he wanted to do lot and lot in his short life of 12 or 11 years.Before going to hospital he made a wood cart by fixing bearing wheels .He would make me ride with him and push it forward with hands.He was so protective about me.

Mom would say she had never seen such excited and keen child.She told once we said to him jokingly that when he will be grown up Nori will be his bride(Nori was and is our cousin) Since he listened he showed such mature anxiousness on the matter .He would say to Nori i will built big house for you and our children will study hard. Everybody listening this laughed loudly.But he was so serious like he was big man all others laughing are little ones.Mom would sigh that if he was alive he would have become exceptional and established responsible man.But he had drowned in ocean of death and never arose from it.And mom never left the shore .

This tragedy made me afraid of death.Death felt like  monster that eats away sweet people like my brother. Imagining death was most dreadful thing to me specially during nights or when someone would die in town more particularly among relatives.I would think how he would have felt when people left him alone under the ground where air can't enter ? this thought in night would make me shiver to the bones .I would feel that death is standing before me opening her numerous arms like dark scary witch ,i would cover my head under sheet and tremble.I was never a coward as child but when i would think of death i would feel cold wave prevailing into my veins.

As i entered into my middle teens fear of death was surpassed by profound sadness.This happened when i witnessed  that strange day when my grandma (mom's mother ) left this world .What struck me was  that peace  she had on her face.That day my little cousin came to call my mother.He told that grandma was  feeling unwell and wanted to see her.Mother left her cooking and left for her house situated in foothill. When mom did not return for long i went to call her back .I was thirteen then most probably and because i did not know how to cook i wanted mom to come back and make meal for us.When i entered into house i saw all my uncles and aunts there.They were sitting around the bed on which my grandma was laying.All faces were sad.My mom and my aunt were shedding tears silently.I stood there quietly beside elders.Grandma was looking serene and once in a while she would touch mom's hand and try to whisper something.Mom would lean upon her little and try to listen.Later mom told she was saying i have some money in my clay pot.Grandma had few clay pots but she had never filled them with water but various pieces of  cloths.When we were little (below ten years) we would sit with her and she would tell us stories of ghosts that she would encounter with during her foot journey from market miles away from village.We would listen and some of them would get scared ,Grandma would get up walk toward clay pot ,put her hand inside and take out coin to give one who was scared,she would ask him or her to buy candy and you will feel better.

Back to grandma's death day .Grandma took her last breath before me.I could not even noticed she had died .She seemed to fall in sleep quietly.women cries were loud but men looked sad only. This was special death that lightened the fear of death for me but a little.The money left by grandma was spent on her funeral services.Mom told me this later. I had seen such wonderful  death for the first time when a person who was aware that she was about to leave this world showed no fear but remained calm and called her whole family to say last goodbye and then  left this world  as peacefully as she was not leaving the world but a place only. The peace of her face showed that death was not as scary as i thought.That was what i felt that moment.

Before grandma  my grandfather died similarly though i was in school that day.When i came back i was informed he has died.Grandpa was most fascinating man i ever saw .His kind smile ,gentle way of speaking never showed he was an retired  army man.He was religious and fond of reading  religious books particularly.Unlike grandma he had tender personality.They both left world within same year just like my parents.

 I think i was fifteen when my aunt the only sister of my mom died.She was pregnant with her sixth child.Her body got swelling .This was ninth month when she went through labor pain .A midwife was called from neighboring village.My mom was not in the village that day.She went to visit her doctor in Islamabad.Sisters in laws (sisters of her husband)of my aunt were with her .Me and my both cousins were in other room .We were so frightened and sorrowful because we were listening screams of my aunt.Those dreadful screams echo still in my mind.Hours passed and screams disappeared.A noise arose from that room where aunt was bearing labor pain.Three of us walk fearfully to the room and suddenly my both cousins who were elder then me realized something and started to shout and cry loudly by calling and touching my aunt.My aunt died.Her body has swelling and midwife kept her giving injections to increase the pain so baby can be delivered but baby probably died in struggle of finding way out.

When mom came back in evening and found out she ran to  aunt's house screamingly and crying badly.She was shocked that it happened because she already had got an appointment for my aunt for delivery day which was not fixed though but mom was told by doctor that when her sister feel pain bring her immediately to hospital.Mom would visit her sister regularly to find if something wrong.There was no sign of such so mom thought it would be fine to  visit doctor.But unfortunately aunt felt pain same day.She kept telling her father in law and both sister in laws to take her hospital where she had appointment but they did not found it necessary.They thought it would be waste of money and midwife would take care the matter in little expense . 

This trauma made me sick badly.I would cry and feel scared day and night. I would see nightmares and get up screaming.I became kind out of my senses.One night i saw my aunt in dream ,she was standing close to my bed while spreading her both arms towards me.She hold my arms and was started to pull.I shouted and my parents woke up and ran to me .I told them what i saw while crying.My mother loved me most that i felt always.She got really worried.My serious condition and absence from school made her more concerned.My mother's friends would visit and advise her to take me to pir baba ( person who treats witch craft ) but mom would not believe such things and took me to the doctor .Doctor told her that your daughter is some kind of trauma and she also is patient of anemia which has increased due to lack of taking food.

In short death of y aunt made me returned to the same depth of fear i was suffering from before.After few months rest and treatment i  returned to my normal mental and physical condition.But when i went to school i found out that because of my long absence i was out of their student list in school.After long meeting with mom headmistress put me back on my ninth grade but i lost my science subjects and that led to me my first dream broken .Dream to become a nurse in army.

There are few more death stories in my family specially of my uncle(mom's younger brother) whom mom loved so much.When he was declared patient of tuberculosis mom cried whole night.Next day she took him to hospital where they admitted him him immediately.It was sanatorium only for t.b patients.But history repeated itself once again.My uncle left his treatment in middle and came to the village.Mom and he had arguments but he refused to stay home.Within week his condition got worse and mom asked some villager to bring van so she can take her brother to hospital to readmit .I saw that view that mom grabbed my weak and coking uncle with help of his wife and put him on her back so can reach him to the van.I could never forget that sight. She readmitted my uncle in same hospital and came back to village because women were not allowed to sit there among male patients and staff.Next day an ambulance brought back my uncle's body from hospital.It is impossible for me to write what was condition of my mom.

She fell ill and when we thought she was recovering one day mom got attack of paralysis.Her left side of face looked leaning and then she fainted.Me and my younger sister were terribly afraid.That was Thursday ,i remember because that day my father would visit from Rawalpindi to spend holiday with us and to deliver weekly money for household to mom.We both sister knew father will come in the evening .We hardly brought our mom to the bed and sit near her while holding holy book in our hand.Tears were dropping from our eyes like unbreakable chain and we were reciting holy verses .We did not tell anyone due to hope that father was about to arrive. Our neighboring ladies came though when they heard our cries .

My father came and when he learnt he went to doctor in town near where our school was.That town  was newly formed for inhabitants of town that went drowned under water of Khanpur dam.It had all city facilities.Doctor said it is dangerous attack attack of paralysis and recovery depends on the will power of patient more than treatment.MY mom was not less than a super hero.She recovered within a month.But had a more test to go through after this.Mom after recovering fell ill in strange way.Her nose start to bleed and it went on for days.Doctor said that it was may be due to heat because he could not understand what caused such bleeding.We would put a jar near her bed. That jar would fill with blood soon and i will empty it in washroom and put back.I think she shed many kilo gram of blood.In week or two blood became less and disappeared .Mom lived for almost thirty years after that and healthy life.

I can write more but i know post has gotten lengthy already .Sorry for that friends.

I will share in next post what i feel about death now.

Live each moment as it is last gift and most precious one.Stay strong ,happy and positive always!

See you soon.Please take care! 


  1. Death is the one truly universal experience of all humans, isn't it.

  2. Thank you for sharing this story about your realization of and experiences of deaths in your family. The trauma of your aunt’s death in childbirth had to have been traumatic for you. I can only imagine what it was like for you.

    I look forward to reading how you feel about death today after reading of your experiences in childhood.

    1. the tragic death of my aunt was most horrible experience of my life dear Marie

      her screams were heart piercing and i don't know how but i realized it won't end good ,the helplessness and suffering in her scream during pain made me feel how crushing pain can be ,if you survive this you are not same person anymore ,it broadens your horizons for all possibilities and if you loose you are transit to another version while leaving loved one in pain.

  3. Dearest Baili, I cried as I took this journey with truly touched my heart so profoundly.😢
    And, I can wholly empathize with you.
    Thoughts of death hadn't even entered my head until the day my grandmother died, when I was 7. I suppose I had believed that everyone lives forever. It came as a huge shock and, from then on, I became obsessed with death: what happens when we die? Is it the end of us, or do we live on somewhere else? I never felt comfortable with the Christian faith, with it's tales of Heaven and Hell. That just didn't ring true for me. Also, I instinctively "just knew" reincarnation was a fact...and this, being totally against my family's religious background, let to my being warned that I "would go to Hell" after I died. Of course, that frightened me even more. So from then on, until I was an adult, I just kept my thoughts and beliefs to myself. (And when I had confided in my Mom that I could see and communicate with so called "dead" people...I was informed in no uncertain terms, that if I repeated anything like that outside of the home, then I would be locked up forever in a psychiatric hospital!).
    So, I entered my teens in a very confused state, continually denying the evidence of my own senses.
    My dear friend, my life and experiences have been so similar to yours in many is as if we have such a powerful spiritual connection.
    Oh thank you so very much for sharing your story...and I am so looking forward to reading the next part...😊😊
    Take care and stay safe, my dear friend!

    Much love and hugs ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    1. Like you i too had idea about this dear Ygraine ,in my little unconscious head i thought that people who get old become little again and grown young and old again and this keep repeating .

      encountering the harsh reality of death was shocking and traumatic ,specially when i witnessed deaths of my family members ,i think each time when one of your loved ones dies a certain part of you dies and buries underground with him ,i realized this particularly when both of my parents died within a year .after them death became something attractive to me ,i think i will leave this world smilingly because i know i am going to unknown world where people whom i loved more than myself have moved there already ,

      i am not enlightened like you to talk about recrimination precious friend but i truly believe that we all come into this world with different gifts and for reason for sure ,you have yours .i thin lucky are those who sense messages of nature and ponder upon their inner universe ,they discover treasures installed by Nature within themselves and this is most beautiful and most important success

  4. We shouldn't fear death but we do!

    1. we fear things we don't know ,when we will be able to learn what death is (i don't know if we will) we won't be afraid of it
      curiosity can also make things attractive for us though

  5. In most cases I think death is more frightening to the living than the dying. I was sheltered from death as a child. I knew about death but it was far removed from me. When I was 17 my grandfather died. I loved him dearly and he had been ill for a while. Since then both my grandmothers died. It is painful but it is the way of nature. Older family members die. When my parents died several years apart I was crushed. My mother-in-law and father-in-law died several years apart. They were like a second set of parents to me. Two younger brothers are dead as is my niece. She was only 8 years old. How can you deal with something like that? It hurts so much to lose a cherished person. My main comfort is that I am the one who hurts. The person who died is now at peace and feels no more pain.

    1. your wrods "when my parents died i was crushed" show the truth about how i felt when my parents died ,it is weird that we see people dying but never think about ourselves or our loved ones, parents are our roots ,origin of our being until we learn the true and divine origin of our being is Creator and parents of living proof of his love for us.
      We feel strengthened when our parents are alive ,as ground under feet and sky upon head ,world seems so real and we feel like we own it until parents are alive .
      when they die we are hit by crushing reality that death is more real than life .it can blow away our all illusions about life like sand castle .
      now we are under scorching sun ,alone in the middle of nowhere ,now begins the fight for survival in actual means ,now we are going to reveal how far we can go on this disrupting journey as an individual
      i think you did great and stood victorious my dear Emma !

  6. You are dealing with a very important topic. Each death is different as each person is different. Each culture treats death n their own way. It's very sad when young people die. My sister died when she was 11. My parents never came to resolve her death as long as they lived.

    1. death treats all of us equally dear Red ,she knows no race or class ,she deport us to the unknown world in same way.
      such early deaths like your sister and my brother make parents suffer throughout their life and i know this so well because i grew up with this pain that mom transferred to my heart through her constant mourning for my brother.
      when i became mom ,habit of my mom made me different person than her for i decided that no matter how much pain i will suffer with i will never give it further to my kids because if i do so they will not be able to enjoy their days of innocence

  7. Thinking this post has done you the world of good because you shared your feelings of 'death'.
    For me, it's a pleasure and a gift from God to see a baby born, and a gift from God to be present at a death. Both are very special.
    I've been present and many births and deaths due to being a Reg. Nurse in my early and mid-adult life.

    1. i agree dear Margaret ,i feel better when i share my stories with my blogging friends ,one of the biggest reason that i am a good listener but not good teller when it comes to social circle ,i feel that when i am with others i have to find out what other people think ,what they going through and what they feel ,i am bond to my curiosity all the time when with people .
      i could not afford to dream of becoming doctor so i dreamed about being nurse an army nurse ,i was fascinated by their discipline and uniform .
      i agree that when you are in profession where you face both extreme sides of life everyday ,somewhere it becomes part of your opinion to take it as normal unlike others who are less familiar with such circumstances .
      i think as Emma SAID IN SOME CASES death is easier than life ,i agree with her and you that death is gift specially when life abandons one from mobility and one is dependent on others ,it is tough for others to look after one who is not center of their life anymore but just burden

  8. I think you have seen many different kinds of death but can draw from this that those who suffered in their last moments found peace in death, in the case of someone who had prepared, like your grandmother, it can be a very calm and beautiful experience to witness, so not that death itself is to be feared, but how we arrive there I suppose.

    1. so nicely said dear Betty

      i never wanted to share this but let me now ,since my parents died i was away of them and could not look after them as i wanted with all of my heart,i knew later my mom left world peacefully but my father suffered in his last one month of life due to his hip injury in my brother's house from where he was taken to my sister's house by my mother but he was not attended as he must in such painful situation .
      i knew this when he was died ,i was not informed by my sister and this is biggest pain she made me suffer ever !
      when i visited there later i knew all that was terrible about last days of my father .
      this sorrow has dissolved into my bones .i pray may i die while i am active and dependent.or if i will keep something with me that will help me to die immediately and respectfully ,i know Lord will understand my intention which was out of saving self respect of mine

  9. A ideia da morte assusta-nos em criança e continua a assustar-nos pela vida fora. Mas é aquilo que temos mais certo. Gostei do seu texto.
    Uma boa semana com muita saúde.
    Um beijo.

    1. i am happy it does not frighten me anymore dear Grace

  10. i am helpless about my writings dear Laurie ,i cannot mould them according to my will ,when i feel something coming to my mind i have to write it inevitably and with truth ,i don't know it is good or bad or more bad than good may be

  11. When I first started reading this post, Baili, I nearly stopped as the subject of death makes me sad, even though I know it is inevitable for everyone. My first death was my paternal grandfather who lived in our home. He died when I was a child and my parents shielded my brother and myself by not letting us participate in the funeral arrangements. Later, my maternal grandfather died and while I was an adult, I cannot recall the services. Since then other family, including my parents have died and those I did recalled them with much sadness while reading this post of your family losses. It’s a difficult subject to post about, but you did it so well despite your sadness and perhaps tears, my friend.

  12. we avoid talking about death because we think it will waste our precious moments of life in sadness .
    but once we learn that we are part of constant and unstoppable journey of existence which travels in circle we may be take it as a normal topic that may be not frighten us but excite us out of curiosity that what lies next ,on the other hand i think it is death that makes life more worth living as deadline (my opinion )

  13. Nothing every really prepares us for loss. And we fear death, although we shouldn't. It's a natural part of life.

  14. Dear Baili – You dealt with a heavy issue. In this world of “uncertainty”, only death is certain as it surely happens to everyone, but when and how is still uncertain. We feel fear about something uncertain. Death is peaceful when it is in its time and in its place as a part of order of things… like your grandmother. It is the bereaved people who feel shocked and sad, not the dead people. My younger brother died when I was 18. I thought I couldn’t be over it, but somehow I was. When you remember the late people like you did in this post, they must be beside you invisible, watching over and guiding you. You don’t have to be strong but only accept the way it is, the will of Nature.


    1. i am sorry about your loss dear Yoko !

      you used a perfect word "acceptance" so right ,if we accept the death as ultimate reality just as life is ,we may mourn death but never will never make mourning a certain part of life

  15. I never knew, still don't know, how to deal with death.
    Enjoy being alive too much.
    Have a great week

    1. i agree dear Pedro it is hard to deal with such loss always

      yes living each moment as precious gift is only way to make the loss less painful

  16. These are gorgeous - thank you for sharing how you made them.

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  17. Dear Baili, thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
    Thinking of you.

    All the best Jan

  18. Thank you for sharing your memories about death, Baili. They are powerful and poignant. In my country people don't like to talk about death, and they say people "pass" instead of saying that they "died." I don't remember learning about death, but I must have been very young. When I was four or five my parents gave me a fishbowl with two goldfish. I loved them, and I named them "Moses" and "Jesus" thinking that would keep them safe from dying. It didn't. That was a powerful lesson for me. Death is a mystery that we can't solve in this life.

    Terry and I were with my mother when she died. It was at shift changing time for the palliative care nurses; one was leaving another coming on duty. Terry and I were sleeping in the room right across the hall from Mom's. The nurse rushed in and woke Terry and me then ran to the room where my sister Barb was sleeping to wake her. We barely made it to Mom's side n time ~ Ironic since we had spent a week of nights round the clock with her, but the nurse insisted we get a little rest late that last night. Her death was very peaceful. Her beloved dog Daxie was in the living room, and he started barking a few seconds after Mom died. A spiritual friend of mine told me later that Daxie was saying goodbye to my Mother's soul as she left. I fervently hope there is more beyond death, but no matter what happens, I got to BE, and that alone is enough. Hugs to you, my friend!

  19. special thank you for sharing about your grandma dear Louise !

    you were fortunate to spend time with her before she left this world!

    her dog was her true companion indeed. because animals have stronger sense of things and happenings he must have had realized that his friend is no more !


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