Breezy Weather And Self pity

 Since some days  it's airy .And it fills my heart  with deepest joy to see waving green branches of my neem  tree  dancing happily. 

This is amazing how air pour soul through scenes. Same views without air stay still  silently and  lifeless. Gentle gusts of winds playing with plants and tree branches  bring happiness  everywhere eyes  can see.I just wanted to share this joy of mine with you but no image could convey the whimsical   beauty of moments i am experiencing. Temps are spinning around 50 but airy weather has made me forget about it :)

Since few weeks i am more busy with some chores like helping my elder son to look for  suitable universities and apply .He will be eighteen in next February though he still is not mature or active enough to take care of these matters by himself like his eldest brother .So i have to remind him and make him pursue for  everything .For this i have t sit with him these days until we are done with necessary process .

Since i  have recovered from fever i am also receiving  calls from  few of my  school friends  regularly.They seem exhausted with lockdown  actually. So i am discovering  knowledge that could have not come across if this lockdown would have  not happened .

We (hubby and me) are watching a turkish drama actually two turkish  dramas and one english  Anne with an E now days. Each has different mood and taste.I am loving them all.

Anne 's  wild imagination is something to which i can relate strongly :) Her  powerful  and endless love for Nature ,everything and for all people around her also seems familiar to one i hold inside me .It strengthens me that there exist some more like me.

But at the same time it saddens me that i can also relate to another character in another drama we are watching . 

The  female character who is in love with married (this is not what i relate) man.An irresponsible man who doesn't care for his family though he loves them .Specially he loves his ex wife who left him for his laziness and his irresponsible attitude towards his family. His ex wife is also almost a mental case and disappear from house time to time with other men without thinking about her kids. Despite of her immodesty  and divorce that man still likes being with his ex wife and not one in neighborhood who is kind sweet lady and who loves him so much .

He appreciate her qualities of decency and caring about him and his family though and stays at her home mostly as she is great cook and perfect housewife package . But to him she is Boring and not adventurous like his ex wife.

When he mentions to his ex wife that he finds lady who loves him  so Boring . It touched me .It suddenly opened windows to past . Boring  seems word meant to only for me then and until now .

I was helpless because i was made this way "Boring" .When girls in school would talk about "girlish stuff" i would find it annoying because i was boring.None of their favorite topic would excite me . My village girl friends and cousins  would get angry because of restrictions i would apply on them as condition for my friendship.

My male cousins would hate me for my boyish behavior instead of  being  delicate and shy and knocking  them out  for their any attempt to bother me. Though they  would not think it was bothering at all.

I was told by many including my loved ones that i will be left alone because no one will find me funny or interesting. After marriage it feared me but it was special grace of lord that my weirdness did not irritate hubby .If it did he did not tell me. He  wellcomed me in his life even when he knew how  scarily  boring i was. Once before marriage  when he tried to hold my hand i said "it is wrong" he said how do you know it is ?

I replied a work that makes me feel shy and uncomfortable is wrong surely because i know that  while doing right thing i never feel burdened or nerves .I did not tell him that i never felt shy when i had to beat boys for their mischief .

Hubby settled down with my boredom  slowly . I felt sorry for him and so many times thought that he deserve some  cool wife with interesting attitude .Believe it or not i asked him to have one so i can feel my conscience free but he just smiled or laughed .

There was short phase of self pity in my married life. I think nothing is more dangerous than self pity .It rip off one's self confidence and shake his being as string blown in air helplessly. But i came out of it soon miraculously .It was reformation time for me. Now, when i look back at that woman ( ex me) i find her still like flying string in the air but not helplessly .But with vigorous  sense of freedom and joy. And both relying on wings of undefeated faith. Faith in my creator and faith in myself. Love surrounds me and love within me .I am drop traveling back to my ocean while singing gratefully and joyously!

Precious friends stay blessed with best of you :)

 

wishing you all more shower of his blessings!

take care!