Friday, April 26, 2024

The Odds Of Cousins Part one

When i attended weddings recently ,something happened that stirred some sore memories from my life in my native town as teenager. 

As i mentioned i grew up in a small village where most of the families were in blood relationship . People of different cast also lived like family members because of  sharing same place and culture for long time. 

Cousin marriages were so common that most of the girls and boys were considered as future couple during infancy with or without official announcement .Both parties will develop feeling of liking  (or disliking in rare cases ) towards each other naturally while growing up. The dominance shown by male cousins over female cousins was accepted by parents of both as norm . And it was equal for all female cousins rather than just one whom they would take as future wife. 

My family was exception in this regard because my parents ,mom particularly would not approve such norms nor would follow any rule that was threat for her children ,daughters particularly . My parents had lived in a big city for more than a decade before moving to the village so they had broad mindset though not much liberal . Mother would always kept telling us how to stay aware and alert among boys and decline their  authority as males to avoid advantages they take with such privilege. With strong instinct to learn i absorbed my mother's message to be strong and ready to survive in male dominated world. In her opinion this was the only tool that is handy for girls so they can keep their self respect saved and live an honorable life in society where no man is blamed if something happened to girl and only girl is blamed for crimes she never committed but her naivety made her anticipate . she could have avoid the misery if would have behaved smartly on time. 

Story began when i started to go to school in age around 6 or 7. It was my first school in neighboring village. The school had  two big hall like rooms and huge front yard where children would sit on the ground on long pieces of  rugs. There were few trees and a handpumps in the center. It had five grades and two teachers only. All of my other  school  going cousins were male . They had many reason to dislike me . The biggest reason that i was girl who should stay at home and play with dolls like other girls of the town do. Second i was tough to make feel bad or low which they seemed to desired most. They would behave okay when we would leave the village but on the way they would try to mock me with their words and chat. My first cousin who was son of my aunt(mom's sister) would lead the boys in all their mischiefs. I felt bad and started to keep distance . It was just beginning .They got their third reason to hate more when studies started. I was best in all my early school performances and teacher would like me most . They would sometime provoke boys that they should learn from a girl younger and junior from them as she rise hands first and tell correct answer when they remain silent and keep their head low during tests. I was in first grade and my cousin was in third . 

In short ,till next year this led them to conspire against me and took help of local girls of higher grades . Now they were one group led by other boys and girls of that village and my cousins .A girl of forth grade  Nazima was the worst. She was tall ,strong and fearless. They would try to humiliate me with their stupid tricks from start to end.I had  carefree nature  and despite feeling bothered or sad occasionally i never felt any serious disliking towards them .I was happy alone always and would never step into dispute until it comes to physical threat. My cousins realized that so they decided to take it to next level.In the meantime few of the girls who were supposed to create fight with me so can get me punished by the teachers when found me  harmless later , became my friends except Nazima . Nazima was the only girl in boys group who would follow me everywhere now to look for chance to bother and make me fight. When she failed , one day she came to me when i was trying to drink water from pitcher pump. She snatched handle from my hands suddenly and  said "look if you can take it back " her smile reflected her intentions.

Few minutes were left of breaktime. I asked her to let me drink as teacher won't allow to drink later because recess just has finished . Her ruthless eyes were blinking mockingly and she kept chuckling. Meanwhile my cousins were clapping and whistling at the distance and few girls were standing closer around us. I  had to drink after eating spicy omelet so i tried to grab handle hurriedly but she started to push me down and slap on head and face. She later left the handle and attacked with serious determination. I was on ground but still not fallen completely. She was pulling my hair now and trying to make me fall. While struggling to not lay on ground i was unable to see because our hair and arms were restraining the view as one of her hand was pulling my collar now and other hair .I could not realize that my finger entangled in her trouser elastic in struggle to approach her hair. Her elastic broke away suddenly. I did not know what happened next because my head was forced down by the pressure of her hands and half of her upper body was leaned upon me. Though i remember that noise of crowed dimmed at once and converted into  serious whispers. When i felt her grip has loosen, i got up shakenly ,removed hair from my eyes . I saw Nazima was sitting surrounded by girls. I thought they were celebrating their success but something seemed wrong with their face expressions . They were looking at me as i was guilty of something instead of Nazima. When breaktime ended and  teachers returned to classes .The case was presented before teachers. It's not that everyone did not realize what happened with me was unfair but things turned against me unfortunately when teachers learnt about broken elastic. They were not interested in listening whole story because they thought it had became matter of honor of  their student and reputation of the school. Despite my condition was bad because of Nazima's beating teacher decided to punish me only that day. To be honest if i was on their place i would have done same most probably. What happened was out of my intention but teachers had to make it up for the Nazima's family and for the sake of school. The senior teacher got up and took hold of his heavy ,thick and  famous spiky stick. He asked me to stand firm and came closer by holding his stick . I remember i could not feel the fear because my eyes were teary and heart was burdened by  what had happened to Nazima by me accidently .

Teacher hit my foot on little above heels where both side of a foot has rising of bones .Teacher hit directly on same place repeatedly until i fell on the ground . I wasn't crying loudly but i think my tears were falling on my face. That was last day of my second and last year in that school . That day will always remain among most powerful memories of my childhood. My first cousin and other cousins  finally succeeded in their mission because they got rid of me as their self created opponent .

That day i could not walk to home because horrible pain and swelling in feet . It was terrible to crawl on hills with the help of hands. My hands were soaked with thorns and spikes of stones. I made that journey to home in one and a quarter hour or so. My cousins cloud not leave me alone on hills because they had fear of grandparents and my mother's query .They chased me on the distance.

That same teacher who beat me that visited my home in 1988,when i completed my tenth grade . He came to aske for my hand for his younger brother who was govt employ too. I found it amusing how he was saying repeatedly that  how nice and obedient student i was back then.

Back to the original story. When we grew up into mid teens my aunt asked for my hand for my cousin . Mom refused at once because she did not like my cousin who was just spoiled boy of rich family and that is it. He had no respect for anyone specially women. He would misbehave with women of his family. His father died early so he had full control over house . He had many bad habits which consumed his property and cattle within a decade. He left school in primary grades and did no job entire his life. He only sold his lands all his life for living and still doing same .He has hardly few pieces left on the name of land. His wife and kids suffered so much because he was their head. They do laborious jobs because he does not support them financially .

My cousin could not handle the refusal and made many attempts to harras me in which he failed only because i was mentally prepared that he can do something like this. After failures he tried to conspire against me by aligning with his friends. He made false story about my involvement in one of his friend and made others alibi of meeting that never took place because i never saw that boy .

The whole drama was presented before my parents ,grandma and uncles .But nothing he could prove because my elders knew me far better than him and this was best gift from my God!

Later i was informed that my aunt and my cousin (one who is wife of my brother now) were part of the conspiracy too.

I don't want to go into sad details what happened to all those who took part in this shameful thing because it feels painful as after all they were my own people my blood. God forgive them!

I wanted to share this but was gathering strength . 

Thanks for bearing with me dear friends! 

blessings to all of you!



  1. Replies
    1. painful in terms that i was pushed to fight which i hate most personally dear Christine
      painful in terms that everything went so ugly for both of us

  2. It is hard to be the object of such cruelty. Children can be so mean at times. It is worse when they are supported by adults. You were fortunate to have your family believe in you. It gave you the strength to deal with it all. I think that if you look at the lives of all those who tried to break your spirit you would see some unhappy lives. You have a husband and sons who love you and you are content in life.

    1. dear Emma my aunt who was the only sister to my mother was married into a rich family .being rich isn't bad surly she had arrogance which she shifted in her elder children strongly. My first cousins would look low for other people and worst habit that they wanted to control people desperately .
      it makes me shiver how such bad habits turn people life into hell . one of my first cousin became wife of my brother and our own house turned into hell for us. It was because of her and my brother that i could not live peacefully in my own house with parents ,nor could do job or pursue my dreams as i had thought.
      such negative brought up all good in their own lives slowly but people with such mind hardly can understand this .
      people seek so many other things in life that make them happy .
      i always wanted to give love and wanted to live in environment where "trust "and faithfulness is most important for all . this is God who keeps his promise and give us what we truly want in life .
      my mind find peace in these things only and asks for nothing more since always

  3. Oh, Baili. Were you able to forgive them? Your life is good. You have a family to be proud of. What do they have?

    1. Dear Sandi i just got my internet back ,it was disappeared since morning.
      i think you will find it hard to believe but i don't have instinct for keeping things in heart . i lack such trait completely and it was always like this .even then when i was 6 years old.
      I know it sounds weirder but i wonder often Why i am made this way?
      it's not that i am not smart or can't defend my self everything is more than i need honestly .but i can't feel the reluctance for longer than few minutes or so.

      i remember how hubby would make fun of me when i would talk to him after while when i had claimed i won't for days . same thing would happen with family or friends at school .
      Nazima the girl who did tis to me did not leave me alone and she followed me to my next school . she tried everything she could do and so hard that one day our principal excluded her from school after scolding her for long in her office . Same Nazima came to meet me once when i visited my parents house after marriage . When mother told Nazima has come to meet you i was inside the room with hubby and parents . i came outside ,met her by hugging her like we do when greet each other at village. she sat in the yard .we chat for more than half hour and when she got up for leaving she hugged me this time and warmly with words of apology . She said with strange dim smile that whatever she did was because she was jealous of me .she mentioned that she felt bad when my mom would carry lunch for me by walking all the way long to our school so i can eat warm food or how she would hug or kiss me .
      i did not know that Nazima 's own father had died and her mother married to another man who wasn't kind t her. i really had no idea she could think this way.
      love inside you makes you feel full and content all the time so such negative feeling cannot make their way into your heart
      i have nothing special in me but love ,yes it has no end and this is grace of my God only! a gift that keeps me joyful and grateful always

    2. Oh... that is amazing that she came to apologize! She was wishing she had a family like yours. I hope things turned out well for her.

  4. Some of these customs in cultures caused major problems. Bullying happens all over the place. Girls can be very vicious to one another. .

    1. human nature is getting more negative day by day dear Red
      but home is first institution for children to learn and mothers have great responsibility to nurture their kids with positive emotions so they can be accepting and friendly towards others

  5. I am proud that you could shed this memory to us, because I know it is truly something that is hard to forgive nor forget. Truly children can be cruel in all countries.

    And we think they are watched more closely now, but not always. Also it doesn't help that they learn this behavior from parents too. Thanks so much for giving us your insight and how you survived.

    I went to a rural school in Texas with few teachers. And the paddle, or the thick ruler was what they'd mastered. Nothing worse than getting smacked in the behind when you were too loud, or you didn't get the answer right when you were at the board. At least we did have the school bus, but even then I saw some things I wished I hadn't witnessed. And I remember the mean girls and all the tricks and bad behavior of all the bullying, of course, these people are much older now on Facebook and they want to be friends, but I'd rather not. I'm proud that you are a wonderful mother and wife and wishing you many good memories ahead.

    1. and i thought beating kids in schools was here in our under developing countries only dear Ellie i don't know to what extent and where it still exists but yes it was in schools i studied .
      We had two teachers in my first school . one of them was head master too. he was local with skinny physique ,thin curly hear on both side of head ,forehead had no hear but some hair on mid . he had interesting look and sharp voice. He was ruthless beater and would beat only boys when they would misbehave or fail in tests .
      for the girls it was only light stick smack hit on palm of the hands and this is it. if some girl would be mischievous ,her breaktime was off and she would stand till last period .
      my second school had all ladies teachers who were gentle and kind except one math teacher who would smack palms when needed .no hard hit i witnessed there in next eight years .

  6. Not a good memory Baili, but I'm sure there was something good that came out of the bad. Children can be very unkind at times..take care.

    1. with age when we sit with some free times such memories spring up naturally or sometimes they needed some hint to rise in the mind dear Margaret
      there is hardly something in my life who did not turn into some good later or in far future actually
      long term meditations makes mind strong enough so it can find synchronicities in the pattern of different events of life . i think somehow that dreadful incident later showed me how gifted i was to have such loving mother who nurtured me not just with her love but soaked with her wisdom as well . memories abut mom are basic source for my eternal strength .

  7. everything works in pair here dear Joyful
    pain defines significance of healing and peace not just defines but make us closer to th truth and the God himself !

  8. That story made me very sad Baili. I think it's important to speak our voices against those who have treated us unfairly. Bravo, hugs. ♥♥

  9. Some people were born with a stone where the heart should be, baili.
    Have a great week

  10. that stone keeps hitting them inside dear Pedro and this pain they keep try to share with world around throughout their lives sadly

  11. Memórias dolorosas que lhe causam tristeza. As crianças são muito cruéis umas com as outras. Mas o importante é que você ultrapassou tudo isso com a ajuda de sua mãe. Tudo de bom.
    Uma boa semana.
    Um beijo.

    1. dear Grace my mother stands in my early like alight house in the darkness who shows you the way with guidance and make aware about obstacles of journey .it was her who made me survive through such dark times otherwise it might have been impossible with such naïve heart i was given by God

  12. My heart just breaks with the sadness of this story - and how true it is of human nature - jealousy is as cruel as the grave. Those children were jealous of you, and jealousy is so cruel. I'm sorry you had to endure such a horrible thing, but I am thankful for your amazing mother who taught you well. The Lord was with you all the way back to your childhood, and how wonderful it is that you harbor no jealousy against those who were so vicious to you!

    I come here today to tell you that you are the winner of my cookbook giveaway! If you would go to my blog, and on the contact form at the very bottom of the page, send me your contact information, I just need your email address, and I will have the Kindle e-book emailed to you!

    I'm so happy you're the winner, and I hope that some of these recipes will be useful in your kitchen! Many blessings to you dear friend!!

    1. heartfelt thanks for comforting words dear Marilyn ! you have kind heart certainly !
      i have wondered all my life that how it is possible to feel threat from a person like me who is always humble and helpful to all around her. I feel sad that may be i will be finding answers of so many questions in my mind but this one seems impossible .science says life is math and 2 plus two make four only .
      In the holy book God says that we reap what we sow at the end .
      i wonder how this is possible that people treat someone with hatter and misbehave when he or she is nice to them and gives no reason for their anger ?
      I whisper in my prayer sometimes that He should have make me familiar with such negative feeling so i can be bad to them as well. I can't even if i try hard it does not come into my heart how to misbehave with someone whom God has created . this is weird my mind keeps God at first of all and everything .
      now you know why i call myself boring person.
      this is sweet of you to choose me for your give away dear Marilyn
      i find it as honor surly .i am going to visit your place and leave my email address .
      blessings to you and loved ones!

  13. Thank God for your Mother and Father. They taught you to be strong of body, mind and spirit. Yes, the details are sad and very hurtful. Believe me, that all of the people who tortured you, have paid in one way or another. You are blessed with a beautiful family and the rest of them can burn.

  14. precious friend Nichole
    you make my eyes teary
    thanks for kind words
    this story is one of the most sad one actually and i tried to write it here as i blog as a personal diary .
    believe me my friend they all paid for their actions in shocking way which is sad too because they are human and my own people . their misery hurts my heart too. i never wanted any bad for them and God knows it well !
    i am most thankful for the realization of good and bad and for the gift to keep right path always ,do good to all indiscriminately and rest leave on God
    all i know is that this attitude keeps me at peace from within

  15. Oh my dear baili, having dealt with cruel words from people, I know how crushing they can be. It pains me to know that you were treated so badly my dear friend. Thankfully you have a wonderful family. All I can say to you now is you have overcome and never give their words power to hurt you again. They should be ashamed of themselves but sadly some feel no shame, just the need to wound with words. One day they will know how cruel they are, and you my dear baili are not only blessed but are a blessing to others.

  16. Not a good memory, children can be very unkind at times.
    So thankful that you are blessed with a wonderful family.


    All the best Jan

  17. oh wow, what you went through. Gotta say the rebel in me would have wanted to punch them all for their mean natures. You are so strong to have had to deal with that and be such loving person. Your mother really sounds like she raised you so well to be strong and and have a sense of your own worth as a woman. Good for her. Thanks for sharing that story - it couldn't have been easy.

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  19. Your story breaks my heart, Baili! People can be so cruel. Thanks goodness for your mother, father, and elders who knew you and believed in you. Some of the credit goes to you for being who you are. You ended in a good marriage with three beautiful sons. God has blessed you!

  20. dear Louise i can imagine my roll in my stories can seem quite strange or pathetic .but if i know myself rightly i never ever felt that way because from where i can see the my inner strength is rare gift and exist in the play of Nature to point out something deeper ,more meaningful but it need a keen and observant insight to understand this.
    here ,where not a single thing is without purpose how can i or many others like me can be without having some certain roll here . i may be cannot make you understand what i mean but you have to trust me as person and friend that things are far different than we find them with a common plain eye actually


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