Friday, December 8, 2017

Aggressive's Hunger strike final part



I  admit  that   i   beat  many  boys  of  my  village   when  i  was  about  to  enter   in  my  early   teens.   

My   anger   for  them  was   due  to  not  only  they   misbehaved   on   certain  times  but   as   whole   i  felt  bothered  from  them  .They   seemed   huge   threat   and   pressure   to   my   freedom   as  equal   human   being .

It   was   totally  unbearable   that   being  girl   i  was   feeling  helpless   and  confined .That   time   i  could  not  judge  my  reactions   but  when   i  think   now  i   find   my  whole   behaviour  dominated  by   this   particular   stress   which   i   released   time   to  time  whenever  someone  gave  me   opportunity .

My  all   mad   hobbies  (running, hiting  in  sack filled  with  grain and  developing  my  focusing  skills  )  are  proof  that   i  was  unconsciously   preparing  myself  for   any   kind  of  oppression ( remember i  was  just  a girl less than 12)


I   mentioned   already   that   i  was  close  to  my  parents  specially  to  mom  more  than  a normal   kid.  If  you  remember   i posted  once  about  removing  a huge  rock here with  constant  effort and  fell ill  later  due  to  much  hard work  just  to  make  my  mom  happy.

My   childhood  is   filled  with   such   events  when   i  tried   to  give  mom  pleasant  surprises   and   made her  happy with  my  little  steps .

In  our   village   the  honour   of  family   is  greatly   related  to   the   female   of   house ,and  then   25  years  before  it  was  even  serious  and  important    thing   to  have  girls   which   have  STRONG   and  CLEAN  character  .

There  was  one  slight  mistake   and  honour  of  the  family   was  ruined . Mom  was   proud   that   i   was   following  her   directions  and   for  this  she  loved   me  more  as  she  mentioned  this  more  often  when   return   from  any  ceremony  or  even   or  someone  came  to  visit  and  praised   her  daughter  who  is  going   school  and  still  has  no   flaw   to  rise   finger  upon .

 Once   when  i  was   in  grade  six  (almost  14  years)  on  the  way   to  school  i  found   an  envelope   with   written  my  name   on    "for  dear   Shabana"   I  immediately   picked  it  up  and  put  in  my  school  bag . In   school  i  did  not  show  it   to  my   friends   unlike  other  girls  who  get  excited  with  such   attempts   of  flirting   boys.

I  gave  this  envelope   to  my  parents   when  came  back  .My  father   read  it  front   of  me  and  mom .It   was  from  some  boy   who   wrote  that  he  sees  me  everyday  and  wanted  to  be  friend . Father  got  angry   and  asked  "do  you   know  him  ?"  who  is  he "?

I  told  i  knew   nothing  about  him .My   mother  supported  me  and  said  if  she  knew  she  would  have  not  given  this  to  us .  But   question   of  my  father  made  me  angry  .I  could   not   bear  that   i  was  being  questioned   because  the  mistake  of  that   cheap  boy . I  was  crying   and  did  not  eat   anything   in  lunch  .Mom  thought   i  will  be  fine   but  she  could  not  get   the  glimpse  of   springing   fire  within  me  which  was  trying  to   burst   out   like   a  volcano  .  It   took    many  hours    to  my  mom  to  make  me  eat  something  . I  ate    dinner   with  mom  late  night .This   was  my  first   hunger  strike  !


After   that   in  coming  years   many   times   when   i  got  angry   on  anything   i  stopped  taking   meals  .Secretly  somehow    i  was  obsessed  with  extra  attention  of  mom  that  i  get  when  i  left   eating .  Yes   this   is  selfish   but   i  than  did  not  realize  that   what   i  was   doing . 

Time   passed   and  i  got   married( i  was  almost 20)  but   this   habit   stayed   with   me.  Departing  from  mom  was  first hardest   part   of  my  life  .Marriage  was  almost   arranged  or  one  sided  love  of  my  husband  (than)  i  was  not  ready  to  leave   mom  alone  ,wanted  to  do  job  ,live  with  her  for  whole  life  and  support   her  as  her  son  was  not  faithful  and  obedient  and  her  longing  for  the  peace  that  a  mother   seeks  in  the   caring    of  his  son   was   huge  pain   of  my  life . I  wanted  to  prove  that  i  am  her  son .But  could  not . 

It  made   me  more  angry  . Early  years  of  our  marriage   are   blended   with  my aggression  which  took  place   when  my  in  laws   specially  mother  in  law  became  cruel  to  me .

Fighting  with    hubby  and  leaving   eating  was  my  way   to  deal   with  situations .  Now   if  i   love   my  life   partner ,this  is  not  because   he  loved  me  at   first   sight  (never  got  impressed  with such  things in real life  though i  am  romantic  in my deep  corner of heart)   but  i  respect   him  and    love  him  because   he    tolerated  my   aggression   and  stayed   patient  .may  be  this  was  his  love  for  me.

 (  though  i  was  told  by  my  very  own  loved  one (blood relation)  that  no  one  can  love  me ever  because  i  have  so  much  anger in  me)  Her  words  still   echo  in  my  inner  world . 

 Though   hubby  tried   to  pamper   me  to  an  extent  but  he seemed    fedup    with  my  "hunger  strikes  . Once   when   i  was  fasting  in  Ramadan   (no food or water  for  almost 17 hours)  at   the  time  when  i  was  about  to   open  my  fast     got  upset   on    his  leaving  with   friends  at  same  time  .

Instead   of  opening  the   fast (eating something)   i  remained   hungry  when  he   got  back  he  asked  did  i  took  my  meal  proper  ?  i  said  yes  . I   stayed   hungry   for  the  whole  night  and  then  until  next  whole  day .i  did  not  let  him  know  that   i  did  not   eat  something  somehow .

when  he  got  back  from  office (afternoon) he  found  me  almost  insane  .my  BP  dropped  to  dangerous  level  .He  took  me  to  the  doctor  who   admitted  and   glucose  drip was  injected .

 The  side  effects  of  that   two  days  hunger   last   for   months  as   i  was  already   anemic  and  patient  of  low  blood  pressure .  

He   tried   to   convince  me constantly   that   i  should    leave   this  bad  habit  of   punishing  my self  for  others  mistakes .

 long   story  short   THAT   WAS MY  LAST  HUNGER  STRIKE :)

Some  day   i  will   share   that   when   did  i  realize    that   either   i  love  my   husband !


Now   when  i  am   about  to   enter  my  48th  year   i  feel   so  bad  about  my  previou  aggressive  behaviours  but   still  i  think  that   could  i  have    to  be   little  more  patient  and  calm   if  i  was   not  as  angry   with   male  domination  around  me ?


 Now   i   know   that   anger   is  expression  of  helplessness ,  it  is  act   of   weak,  who   get   angry   when   he   feel   stuck   and  find  the  screaming  and   fighting   only  option  he  can  choose  .
A   wise   and  confident    person   knows   the   reasons  behind    acts   of  others  ,  he   knows   his   capacity   ,and   he  enjoys  his   command   over   the  situations .


He   be   wise   artist   who   turn   his  anger   into   his  STRENGTH  and   POWER.  

Which   he   use   with delicacy    and    brilliance , when   it   is   needed .


Hope   all  is  going  fine  and PLEASANT  in  your  lovely  worlds  dear   people!

Stay   Strong ,make  your  next  day  better  than  previous .
God  Bless you  All!!!


19 comments:

  1. You are very good in analysing!

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  2. such an amazing open hearted post you wrote for us, I admire your strength and honesty! Thank you so much,

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  3. Hello dearest Baili, what an interesting blog post!
    I think you are right when you write that anger is expression of helplessness. We must not, however, blame ourselves for becoming angry or being angry. The world is so profoundly unfair and we are helpless in front of this.
    I'm happy your life is more serene now.
    Your culture is different from ours. You were, of course, not to blame for the letter from an unknown boy. Without knowing the facts, I shouldn't say anything, but seen from my culture, the boy might have been sincere in his feelings... and shy. Oh, I hope to see one day a world where boys and girls can be friends!
    Big hugs!

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  4. The dominant male culture is disheartening in the USA, but not without repercussions...still it is a good thing.

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  5. Hail, You have given us a great lesson with the examples from your own life, yes we make mistakes, and yes we did things when we were younger that we now regret, but those actions make us who we are today, and learning from your actions have made you a very smart woman with a husband who dearly loves you.

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  6. Sometimes when girls or young women feel powerless and cannot control anything around them in their lives, they assert control over the only thing they have -- their own bodies. I think that's often the root of eating disorders. I don't think we should blame these young women or be ashamed of this impulse -- it's a cry for freedom although expressed in a self-destructive way.

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  7. Another wonderful and insightful post.

    I do not blame you when you for getting angry at the situations that you describe. Getting angry is human and sometimes it is inevitable that we do. It is a great thing to channel one's anger into positive directions but it is difficult to do all of the time. I certainly do not do so one hundred percent of the time. Of course taking anger out on oneself is not a good thing but you should not be too hard in yourself.

    Have a great week!

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  8. so glad you quit the hunger strikes!

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  9. You obviously have searched your soul to realize truths about yourself. You are fortunate that your husband is also understanding. His calmness and your fire make a good combination.

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  10. So good you have found the inner you.

    And a real good life partner.

    Everything will be okay.

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  11. Our bodies cannot live long without water but I do believe that the fast without food is cleansing and good for our body. When I was younger, I did fast many times for health's sake. Three weeks was my max but I always wanted to go to one month but never made it.

    I realize you are talking about using lack of food as a rebellion to anger or something that is within us. It is interesting that you now understand your youthful motives and how they have related to your life and marriage. That kind of soulsearching will give one peace. I too, look back upon my life and try to clear my pathway for peace.

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  12. Great partnership there. :-)

    Greetings from London.

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  13. We all make mistakes.
    And, hopefully, grow up with tem.
    Have a blessed week

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  14. Gostei muito do seu texto. A adolescência é um "lugar" de sentimentos muito fortes. Por isso a raiva. Por isso um comportamento inseguro...
    Uma boa semana.
    Um beijo.

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  15. When we feel helpless, we sometimes hurt ourselves. It is difficult to deal with these situations where you feel trapped. I'm glad you ended up with a partner who was patient and supportive.

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  16. Thank you for sharing this and your previous post with your blogging friends.
    I think your strength and honesty shines through, and I am pleased that you are with a supportive partner.
    My good wishes

    All the best Jan

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  17. Unfortunately, when we feel this way, in these situations, we tend to hurt ourselves! You are a loving person and I am so happy you found a great hubby!

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  18. Fascinating story, baili. I am very glad that boy turned into a good man. And I'm glad you decided not to keep punishing yourself. It must have been hard to have the feelings you did, but also hard for your husband to watch you fast too severely. I've done some things when young that I shake my head at now :) We generally learn at least a few things as we get older!

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  19. You went through so much, Baili, but it did not defeat you. I'm glad that you are blessed with a loving and understanding husband. None of us get through life without making mistakes. I try not to judge my younger self harshly for mistakes or unwise choices. I try to be as kind and forgiving to myself as I would be to someone else. It's taken me a long time to reach this point. I'm glad that you have abandoned hunger strikes! Sending you a big hug, my friend!

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