That was weak moment of my life when my mind put suicide as easy and quick solution front of me.
That was an easy escape from all the miseries if i would have applied it.
I crushed the glass bangles because it was the only possible thing available to kill myself . ( once i had heard from grandma that a girl suicide by swallowing her crushed bangles)
I kept that cullet for many days and many times i hold them in my palm with glass of water to have them.
But i never did so.
Why?
One of the reason was that after my Creator i loved my mom most ,she was whole world to me, I had younger sister who was also my responsibility .
It was not about just me , It was about my loved ones!
I wanted to do job immediately after passing my tenth grade to free my mom from financial worries.
She was center of my whole life and i decided to look after her whole life .So she can forget her sorrows given by husband and son. I decided i will never get married, and will never let any man to hurt me as my father or my brother did my mom.
May be my faith in my Creator , my faith in my righteousness and my love for life was more powerful than my intention to quit life !
Whatever it was it did not let me swallow that cullet .
and after having it for almost month eventually i threw it away.
Yes ,My optimism had won the battle !
My precious friends the only reason to share these very private memories with you all is to let you know that
there are so many incidents in my life which shaped up my way of thinking which i have today.
It's not just my nature but some very powerful guidance who unconsciously led me towards better way of life and saved me from very possible harm miraculously!
My mother fell ill and needed surgery for her gallbladder removal , back then there was difficult way of surgery and patient needed blood to recover .
We were not in position to buy blood so my father and i recommended our's .
When doctor told us that we both are not capable to give blood as it was not healthy enough ,mine lacked red blood cells due to strong anemia and father had also some problem .
Second option was to buy fluid which doctor use instead of blood .It was cheaper treatment . My father borrowed some money from his owner lady and managed the surgery.
Time flew by through all the odds and i passed my tenth grade in arts as i mentioned in many posts that i could Not continue my science subjects because after 2 months study in ninth with science i fell ill so badly and was hospitalized for few weeks .
On rejoining the school my principal advised that study of science had moved further and you cannot cover it so i took arts subjects .
Loss of science broken my dream to become an army nurse .It is so hard to live with broken dream specially on which you rely for better and peaceful future !
I cried for this loss for years though i knew my tears could not change the fact.
I passed my tenth grade when i was 18 as after moving to village it took few years to mom to put me in school again.
Anyway this was time when mom started to pressurize me to get married and have peaceful life away from this mess but she wanted me to get married with boy out of her family as my all cousins did not deserve her daughter who was totally different from their mentality and nature .
One of my cousin who was so fond of to marry me tried hard but mom was firm in her decision .
Meanwhile the widow lady (my father's boss) also came to our house with belief that she will not be refused as she brought the ring and sweets along with lots of other gifts .
She brought her son along who was good looking typical big city boy .She asked mom that she want her to marry your daughter with my boy who is in last year of his collage and has own family business.
Mom was surprised as there was Huge difference in our status and she was not expecting this .She asked her politely that " you are well established people and can find very nice girl around you , why us?
Lady replied that i have many relatives and girls in my circle but they are too sharp for me and my son as all are after my money and there is strong probability that they will snatch my son away or hardly will fit in joint family system.
I forgot to tell that my father used took us on trips to Islamabad on yearly festivals and sometimes we visited his Boss's house too.But it happened until my early teens.
Mom did not show any excitement and told her that she will consider her proposal.
After they left i realized that how much mom was excited about this proposal .Like every mom she wanted best for her daughter and she thought that was best opportunity to establish my life .
But when i refused mom got shockingly upset.
I was afraid of new people specially i was really scared of people belong to rich families .
I had confusion and probably complex regarding making relationship in higher circle who were unaware of our ground realities .
I had FEAR,
what if they thought of me low because of my lower middle class background ?
What if they misbehaved with my parents when they will visit me, be cause i remembered to that whenever we visited them we had think Lot about our suitable clothing so we can look familiar to their circle .
It was hard to convince mom but this was special Grace of my Creator that mom always not only valued my opinion but often fought for it !
She was Savior for me , unlike other mothers of village she always stood for our rights .I would have not be ME if she was not there for me!
She visited the widow lady and refused politely which was totally unexpected for her anyway.Mom also returned her gifts with apology.
In the same year three more proposals from well known and rich families came ,
One of them was my class teacher in primary school. She brought proposal of her youngest brother .
Second was weird story though
One of my cousin who lived in Islamabad since many years ,and was working as babysitter and living with same family meanwhile .
She brought a woman along who had beauty parlor in the city .She asked my cousin to tell her about some nice girl so she can make her wife To her only son who was doing M.B.A.
My cousin took her to the house of my another cousin who was very pretty and worked as babysitter for few months also ,although she was uneducated but very smart and fashionable.
My cousin told us later that , that woman saw my photo while sitting in my other cousin's house (for who proposal was) and she asked my cousin about me ,she left without saying anything from there and few days later came to our house with my same cousin.
When we learnt the whole story we simply refused to the proposal she brought for me .
Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account.
He was referred by one of my mom's cousin who was on some post in his factory .
I again refused for this proposal either .
Only thing in my mind was The fear of strange man who will have control of my life and his much higher status will allow him to do so more powerfully .
Meanwhile when i learnt that my high school principal who was so kind to me had promoted to position of Superintendent of district school , i visited her office and asked her for favor for getting job as school teacher because at the time i did not have diploma for applying as proper teacher .I said to her once i will have job i will immediately do the necessary course .
She was really kind and helpful as she was aware of my background and character .She agreed and within few months i got appointment letter .
That was MOST HAPPY day of my life !
I thought from now on all will begin to be right!
But when my brother learnt about this he shouted at me that he will not let me do this job as by doing so i will ruin his honor which i already did by doing studies .
Domestic environment was getting more frustrating and worse everyday .
Mom wanted me to get married and settle down because she was getting sick and weak day by day!
It felt that i was caught in thorny net and it was impossible to get out!
One evening when my elder brother and his wife argued and rushed into our room ,they broke our stuff including our small black and white t.v and my most favorite thing my old radio.
mom and we both sisters burst into cries.
Same evening when my father came for weekend I asked him to take me to Karachi where his best friend lived as my father often told about his friend who lived in Karachi and had five daughters .His all daughter worked in a garment factory .
That was an easy escape from all the miseries if i would have applied it.
I crushed the glass bangles because it was the only possible thing available to kill myself . ( once i had heard from grandma that a girl suicide by swallowing her crushed bangles)
I kept that cullet for many days and many times i hold them in my palm with glass of water to have them.
But i never did so.
Why?
One of the reason was that after my Creator i loved my mom most ,she was whole world to me, I had younger sister who was also my responsibility .
It was not about just me , It was about my loved ones!
I wanted to do job immediately after passing my tenth grade to free my mom from financial worries.
She was center of my whole life and i decided to look after her whole life .So she can forget her sorrows given by husband and son. I decided i will never get married, and will never let any man to hurt me as my father or my brother did my mom.
May be my faith in my Creator , my faith in my righteousness and my love for life was more powerful than my intention to quit life !
Whatever it was it did not let me swallow that cullet .
and after having it for almost month eventually i threw it away.
Yes ,My optimism had won the battle !
My precious friends the only reason to share these very private memories with you all is to let you know that
there are so many incidents in my life which shaped up my way of thinking which i have today.
It's not just my nature but some very powerful guidance who unconsciously led me towards better way of life and saved me from very possible harm miraculously!
My mother fell ill and needed surgery for her gallbladder removal , back then there was difficult way of surgery and patient needed blood to recover .
We were not in position to buy blood so my father and i recommended our's .
When doctor told us that we both are not capable to give blood as it was not healthy enough ,mine lacked red blood cells due to strong anemia and father had also some problem .
Second option was to buy fluid which doctor use instead of blood .It was cheaper treatment . My father borrowed some money from his owner lady and managed the surgery.
Time flew by through all the odds and i passed my tenth grade in arts as i mentioned in many posts that i could Not continue my science subjects because after 2 months study in ninth with science i fell ill so badly and was hospitalized for few weeks .
On rejoining the school my principal advised that study of science had moved further and you cannot cover it so i took arts subjects .
Loss of science broken my dream to become an army nurse .It is so hard to live with broken dream specially on which you rely for better and peaceful future !
I cried for this loss for years though i knew my tears could not change the fact.
I passed my tenth grade when i was 18 as after moving to village it took few years to mom to put me in school again.
Anyway this was time when mom started to pressurize me to get married and have peaceful life away from this mess but she wanted me to get married with boy out of her family as my all cousins did not deserve her daughter who was totally different from their mentality and nature .
One of my cousin who was so fond of to marry me tried hard but mom was firm in her decision .
Meanwhile the widow lady (my father's boss) also came to our house with belief that she will not be refused as she brought the ring and sweets along with lots of other gifts .
She brought her son along who was good looking typical big city boy .She asked mom that she want her to marry your daughter with my boy who is in last year of his collage and has own family business.
Mom was surprised as there was Huge difference in our status and she was not expecting this .She asked her politely that " you are well established people and can find very nice girl around you , why us?
Lady replied that i have many relatives and girls in my circle but they are too sharp for me and my son as all are after my money and there is strong probability that they will snatch my son away or hardly will fit in joint family system.
I forgot to tell that my father used took us on trips to Islamabad on yearly festivals and sometimes we visited his Boss's house too.But it happened until my early teens.
Mom did not show any excitement and told her that she will consider her proposal.
After they left i realized that how much mom was excited about this proposal .Like every mom she wanted best for her daughter and she thought that was best opportunity to establish my life .
But when i refused mom got shockingly upset.
I was afraid of new people specially i was really scared of people belong to rich families .
I had confusion and probably complex regarding making relationship in higher circle who were unaware of our ground realities .
I had FEAR,
what if they thought of me low because of my lower middle class background ?
What if they misbehaved with my parents when they will visit me, be cause i remembered to that whenever we visited them we had think Lot about our suitable clothing so we can look familiar to their circle .
It was hard to convince mom but this was special Grace of my Creator that mom always not only valued my opinion but often fought for it !
She was Savior for me , unlike other mothers of village she always stood for our rights .I would have not be ME if she was not there for me!
She visited the widow lady and refused politely which was totally unexpected for her anyway.Mom also returned her gifts with apology.
In the same year three more proposals from well known and rich families came ,
One of them was my class teacher in primary school. She brought proposal of her youngest brother .
Second was weird story though
One of my cousin who lived in Islamabad since many years ,and was working as babysitter and living with same family meanwhile .
She brought a woman along who had beauty parlor in the city .She asked my cousin to tell her about some nice girl so she can make her wife To her only son who was doing M.B.A.
My cousin took her to the house of my another cousin who was very pretty and worked as babysitter for few months also ,although she was uneducated but very smart and fashionable.
My cousin told us later that , that woman saw my photo while sitting in my other cousin's house (for who proposal was) and she asked my cousin about me ,she left without saying anything from there and few days later came to our house with my same cousin.
When we learnt the whole story we simply refused to the proposal she brought for me .
Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account.
He was referred by one of my mom's cousin who was on some post in his factory .
I again refused for this proposal either .
Only thing in my mind was The fear of strange man who will have control of my life and his much higher status will allow him to do so more powerfully .
Meanwhile when i learnt that my high school principal who was so kind to me had promoted to position of Superintendent of district school , i visited her office and asked her for favor for getting job as school teacher because at the time i did not have diploma for applying as proper teacher .I said to her once i will have job i will immediately do the necessary course .
She was really kind and helpful as she was aware of my background and character .She agreed and within few months i got appointment letter .
That was MOST HAPPY day of my life !
I thought from now on all will begin to be right!
But when my brother learnt about this he shouted at me that he will not let me do this job as by doing so i will ruin his honor which i already did by doing studies .
Domestic environment was getting more frustrating and worse everyday .
Mom wanted me to get married and settle down because she was getting sick and weak day by day!
It felt that i was caught in thorny net and it was impossible to get out!
One evening when my elder brother and his wife argued and rushed into our room ,they broke our stuff including our small black and white t.v and my most favorite thing my old radio.
mom and we both sisters burst into cries.
Same evening when my father came for weekend I asked him to take me to Karachi where his best friend lived as my father often told about his friend who lived in Karachi and had five daughters .His all daughter worked in a garment factory .
I thought I
will go and
work there and
after settling down
I will bring
my mom and
sister to stay
with me .
I can NEVER
forgive that winter’s
evening which seemed
like a Terrible Storm
that seemed to
wanted us blow
out ! I left
house while crying
and leaving sick mother
behind with
younger sister was
most painful thing
for me .How I
convinced my mother
is other story .
We got on train without buying ticket .I was constantly crying a thought of unknown future was frightening .Leaving mom and sister behind with cruel brother and his wife was also so scary.
After 18 hours journey when train reached at Khairpur (where i live now) station my father suddenly told me that we will get down and will meet your aunt(sister of my father) .Probably will stay for one or tow days and then go to Karachi.
Long story short ,our stay to my aunt house and then in the house of my father's fast friend(my father in law) who was like elder brother to him got long.
We stayed there for more than three weeks ,i was in my own worries so i did not notice that there was something going in my father's mind .
My husband and his father (who was just kind of cousin then) asked my father that he wants to marry me .At that time i did not know that.
One day my husband (who was not husband then) gave me a letter in which he said that
"he liked me and asking for marrying me to my father ,hope you will not say No"
I was not in position to confess that i liked him since i was child as we both families visited each other in past.
But i also did not wanted to show that i am so weak and will accept his generosity quickly , so i said i have no intention to get married .
During stay i received a latter from my mom she was so sick and wanted to see me.
I asked father that i want to go to see mom immediately .When we left my (then not) husband , his father and my aunt accompanied us .
I thought they want to see my mom.
But on when we arrived i found mom normal which was huge satisfaction to my heart .Then one day when mom told that my father in law and aunt were there for the purpose i got upset because getting married was mean to leaving mother alone which i did not want to do at any cost.
This time father supported mom's decision and on the other side Ali assured me that he will bring my mom and sister to stay with us after marriage.
After marriage my mom stayed almost one year and my younger sister stayed for 4 years with us .
Ali kept his all promises and by doing extra hard work he prepared for another job interview and was selected among 80 candidates .
It was not ending
It was the beginning of new different kind of hardships but i cannot deny that with each single step we moved towards BETTER .
After 7 years our marriage was in danger due to influence of my in laws and joint family system .
But after living away from my husband for few years i realized that i love him and cannot live happily without him i did not waste the time and returned to him as he was starving to have me back, he proved it in later years...Then I told him that either I Loved Him since i was 10 or 11 years old .Life was changed and refreshed and since then our love and bonding getting deeper and deeper everyday :)
This was just one !
My life has many events which made me believe more deeply that though i was not most beautiful ,most smart or efficient but i was honest and loyal to all my relationships and commitments .
And may be my Creator liked my this only feature and hold my finger and led towards best!
Today when i have all the joys of life ,i pay gratitude in each breath for what My Creator has given me!!!
And this is why i say repeatedly that we should not be Disappointed ever as disappointment is disbelief in our Maker .
All he want is our belief in him
Once our belief is in him is unshaken by odds
He be more kind and merciful!
As he says "CALL ME , I AM HERE TO HEAR YOU"
Thank you for taking your time and reading ,God bless You All!!!
A wonderful happy ending, thanks for sharing your story. Life is not easy but sometimes it works out for the best.
ReplyDeleteBaili, I am glad you did not leave us early. What a tragedy that would have been. We wouldn't know you, but I think we would know you were missing.
ReplyDelete"Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account."
Wow... a good woman is worth everything. I think these families saw kindness in you, a willingness to think of others first. It is a rare quality. I was just thinking and praying last night about who my sons will marry. They're still children, but I look at our culture and wonder these things. I am inspired by how the adults in your world work together to use wisdom in these choices. It is somehow so good to hear.
Bless you.
Dear Sandi Thank you so much for kind words!
Deletebelieve it or not i never found myself extra ordinary in any way to worth all that was offered by various means in past.
I had ordinary looks with ordinary brain ,had no attractive or charm in my appearance at all ,specially when it came to be in crowed i was so shy and reserved ,may complexities of domestic life made me this way
i was moody and sometime aggressive particularly against opposite gender when i observed or experienced oppression kind of things
for all my such weird habits my younger sister and cousins (male and female both) always made fun of me
and according to their prophecies i had no ability to be ever wanted or loved by someone
unconsciously i started to believe their their sayings about me or may i was annoyed to whole world enough to wanted to be left alone
therefore when i look back at those proposals i still can't believe it happened
You were wrong about yourself and so were your cousins. Look at you know, beloved. :)
Delete"know"...I meant, look at you now!
DeleteThank you my precious kind friend!
DeleteI think it is Just GRACE OF MY LORD!
Thank you for sharing this part of your life. You are such a wonderful person and your enduring faith amidst so much pain is an inspiration. So much beauty and love has come of your faithfulness - a happy marriage, handsome sons, and a lovely home.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you had to endure these difficulties. I am very glad to hear that you have found the joys of life.
ReplyDeleteHave a great week!
I'm so glad your story has a happy ending, and so much of that is because of your personality and character -- you followed your heart to do what was right for you, while still considering your moral code and your responsibility to family. May you continue to be blessed, dear friend! Thank you for sharing the story of this part of your life and the lessons that it held.
ReplyDeleteIt is so good that your life has improved so much. After so much sadness you have found happiness and love. I don't want to hurt your feelings but your brother and his wife do not seem like people I would be around. Maybe they have grown nicer with age and experience.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay dear Emma !
DeleteThey were just so different than us that's it.
Or may be they were just source for me to move towards better you know.
My brother and his wife were insulted by all relatives for what they were doing to us.
But no one can escape from his NATURE
And how weird that they both had same nature
Later they had to pay for their cruelties but their misery did not pleased me
We both sisters always helped them in critical times
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
ReplyDeleteLife is not always easy, but the ups and downs along the way, the experiences we come through, weave their way into our pathway, and make us who we are today.
God bless you Baili.
All the best Jan
Our creator was looking after you. Sometimes we do not listen to the messages he is trying to tell us. We a stubborn!
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful soul and you were directed to the husband that will help you grow spiritually :-)
Did you grow up as a person after all that hardship?
ReplyDeleteIt was worth it then.
Indeed dear Pedro
Deletei believe that without all those obstacles i could have not be what i am today
such difficulties revealed many versions of me hidden within me and all of them helped me to survive through all this
How wonderful that you have a very happy ending and a beautiful family from this journey! You have a wonderful soul and that has helped get you where you are today xo
ReplyDeleteDearest Baili...oh how heart-rending!😞
ReplyDeleteBut now I understand how you have grown into the beautiful Soul that you are today. You have been guided all through the challenging times by our Creator...and you have had the wisdom to hear His voice and trust in Him.
You are amazing, my dear Friend...and I love you for who you are.😊😊
All my love and hugs ❤❤❤
I am overwhelmed by your kind words my precious friend Ygraine!!!
DeleteYES I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS NEVER CLEVER OR SMART ENOUGH TO COME OUT OF SUCH TRAUMATIC SITUATIONS
IT WAS SOMEONE BESIDE ME.
HOLDING MY HAND AND LEADING TOWARDS RIGHT DIRECTION
I LOVE YOU TOO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND!
YOUR GIFT , YOUR POETRY IS LIKEVA WINDOW TO ENLIGHTMENT!
We all have stories, but not everyone has the courage to share. Thank you, Baili.
ReplyDeleteI know there are no coincidences, so I believe that someone who desperately needs to read about your journey will see this at just the right time. He / she might not comment, but they will read, and your experiences, your kindness, your faith and your wisdom will have a profound effect on them.
You are a gift from God, and I thank Him for you, my friend.
My dear Chris thank you sooo much for sweetness you showered upon me through your words!
DeleteI felt honored!
When i wrote the title i had no idea what was i going to write because none of my post is ever planned before writing
But when i start writing i could not hold the flow because i thought as if that part of my story may be could help someone to HAVE FAITH IN HIS CREATOR
Because i always found the way out through my faith ,so i had no hesitation to share it with my fellow whom i love so much.
If this read can touch at least a single heart i will have Grace of of Creator more in my life because he be happy with those who try to spread light of FAITH around them :)
I think we should share our heart with each other as it not only strengthen our bonding but also be source of learning to understand life better !
Each of us has gift my precious Chris!
one you have is one of the most powerful ,your art and your painting is truly inspirational my friend!
Dear Baili, i started to read this current post and then realized that I had to go to the previous post and read that one first. I am so glad that you did not commit suicide as you had considered. To do so would have deprived you of your loving husband and wonderful sons and everyone who reads your blog posts. I am constantly amazed and thankful for your honesty and considerateness and your belief in a Higher Power and Purpose for your life. You did know best what to do despite your shyness.
ReplyDeleteYour brother and his wife and even your father were not very kind towards you and your in-laws as well. Good for you for determining your own path.
And thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share these very difficult times in your blog posts.
Dear Beatrice Thank you sooo much for kind comment!
ReplyDeletethis is such sweet of you to take your valuable time and read my both post ,specially the last one that got lengthy no matter what i tried to keep it short
My faith is soul to my body ,without it i cannot survive because i believe if am not connected with my Creator ,all of his blessings will loose their value in my eyes !
My brother and his wife were kind of test for my life which i passed eventually .
They were not just enemy of me but their ignorant and extreme behavior destroyed the peace of their own life either
Their two children became like curse for them and along with that they also suffered with terrible traumas after my marriage
my father loved us though but less than himself may be as he could not resist his aggression or weak will power to better our lives
I find true ,kind and precious friends in blogging land and i don't feel hesitation to share my life's events with them specially which involved the victory of my FAITH !
That is such a moving and powerful story, you have been through a lot and I can see you are a very strong woman☺
ReplyDeleteSo this explains your beautiful faith - wow, what a life - what a story - what a confirmation that there is something Greater than ourselves - ..who takes our pain and gives us LOVE.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! Many blessings my friend!
ReplyDeleteIt was very good of you to try and help out your mom when she was having so much difficulties in her life, Baili. I'm glad you now have joys in your own life, and you have such a strong faith. Yes, God always listens to us. Thanks for sharing your story, dear Baili.
ReplyDelete~Sheri
Dear Baili, thank you for sharing this story. I am so happy that you changed your mind about suicide, and although you had to overcome many difficulties, you are now living a happy and optimistic life. You live your life as a good example to everyone who reads what you write in how to look on the bright side and lead a cheerful life. Wishing you many blessings.
ReplyDelete