Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Disappointment Is Disbelief Suicide Attempt Story ( final)

That   was   weak   moment  of  my  life  when   my  mind  put   suicide  as   easy   and   quick   solution   front   of  me.


That   was   an   easy  escape  from  all  the  miseries   if  i would    have   applied   it.

I    crushed   the  glass  bangles  because  it  was  the  only   possible   thing  available  to  kill  myself . (  once i  had  heard  from  grandma  that   a  girl   suicide  by  swallowing  her  crushed  bangles)

I   kept   that   cullet   for  many  days   and   many   times  i  hold   them  in  my  palm  with   glass  of    water   to  have  them.

But   i  never  did  so.

Why?

One  of  the  reason  was  that  after  my  Creator  i  loved  my  mom  most ,she  was  whole  world  to  me,  I  had  younger  sister   who  was  also  my  responsibility .

It   was  not  about just  me ,  It  was  about my  loved  ones!
I  wanted  to  do  job  immediately  after  passing  my  tenth  grade  to   free  my   mom    from  financial worries.

She  was  center  of  my  whole  life  and  i  decided  to  look  after  her   whole  life .So  she  can  forget    her  sorrows   given  by  husband  and  son. I  decided   i  will  never  get  married,  and  will  never  let any   man  to   hurt  me   as  my  father  or  my  brother  did     my  mom.

May  be    my  faith  in  my  Creator  ,  my  faith  in my  righteousness   and   my   love   for  life   was  more  powerful  than  my  intention   to  quit   life !

Whatever   it   was   it  did  not  let  me  swallow  that  cullet .
and    after  having  it  for  almost    month  eventually  i  threw  it   away.

Yes   ,My   optimism   had   won  the   battle !

My   precious   friends  the  only  reason  to  share  these  very  private   memories   with  you   all  is   to  let   you  know  that   
there   are   so  many   incidents   in  my  life   which  shaped  up  my  way  of   thinking  which   i  have  today.

It's   not   just   my   nature   but   some   very  powerful   guidance  who   unconsciously  led   me   towards   better   way   of  life  and  saved  me   from  very   possible   harm   miraculously!


My   mother   fell   ill   and  needed   surgery  for  her  gallbladder   removal , back  then    there  was   difficult  way  of  surgery  and  patient   needed  blood  to  recover .

We   were  not  in  position  to  buy  blood   so  my  father  and  i  recommended  our's .


When   doctor   told   us  that   we   both   are  not  capable   to  give  blood  as  it  was  not  healthy  enough ,mine  lacked   red   blood  cells  due  to   strong  anemia   and  father    had  also  some  problem .

Second    option  was  to  buy    fluid   which   doctor  use  instead  of  blood .It    was   cheaper   treatment . My   father   borrowed   some   money   from  his  owner   lady   and  managed  the  surgery.

Time  flew  by  through  all  the  odds   and  i  passed  my  tenth  grade  in  arts   as   i  mentioned  in  many  posts   that   i  could  Not  continue   my    science   subjects   because  after  2  months  study  in  ninth  with  science   i  fell  ill  so  badly  and  was  hospitalized  for  few  weeks .

On  rejoining  the  school  my  principal  advised  that  study  of  science  had  moved  further  and  you  cannot  cover  it  so  i  took  arts   subjects .

Loss  of  science    broken  my  dream  to  become  an  army  nurse .It  is  so  hard  to live  with  broken  dream  specially  on   which  you  rely   for  better  and  peaceful  future !

I  cried  for  this  loss  for  years  though  i  knew  my  tears  could  not  change  the   fact.

I   passed my   tenth  grade  when  i   was   18  as  after  moving  to   village  it  took  few   years  to  mom  to  put  me  in  school  again.

Anyway   this   was  time  when  mom  started  to  pressurize   me   to  get  married  and  have  peaceful  life  away  from  this  mess   but  she  wanted  me  to  get  married  with  boy  out  of  her  family  as  my  all  cousins  did  not deserve  her  daughter   who   was  totally  different  from  their  mentality   and  nature  .

One  of  my  cousin   who  was  so  fond  of  to  marry  me  tried   hard   but  mom  was   firm  in  her  decision .

Meanwhile   the  widow  lady  (my father's  boss)  also  came  to   our  house  with   belief   that   she  will  not   be  refused  as  she  brought  the  ring  and  sweets  along  with  lots  of  other  gifts .

She  brought  her  son   along  who  was   good  looking  typical   big  city  boy  .She  asked  mom  that  she  want  her  to  marry   your  daughter  with  my  boy  who  is  in   last  year  of  his  collage  and  has  own  family  business.

Mom   was  surprised   as  there  was  Huge  difference  in  our    status   and  she was  not  expecting  this .She  asked  her  politely   that   "  you  are  well  established    people  and  can  find   very   nice  girl  around  you ,  why  us?

Lady   replied  that   i  have  many  relatives   and  girls   in  my  circle  but  they   are  too    sharp   for  me  and  my  son  as   all  are  after  my   money    and   there  is  strong  probability   that  they  will   snatch  my   son  away   or   hardly   will    fit  in  joint   family  system.

I  forgot  to  tell  that     my  father used   took  us  on  trips  to  Islamabad  on  yearly  festivals   and   sometimes  we  visited  his   Boss's  house  too.But  it  happened  until  my  early  teens.

Mom  did   not  show  any  excitement   and   told  her  that  she  will   consider   her  proposal. 


After   they  left  i  realized  that  how  much  mom  was  excited  about  this proposal .Like     every   mom   she  wanted  best  for her  daughter   and  she  thought  that   was  best  opportunity  to   establish   my  life .

But   when  i  refused  mom  got  shockingly   upset.

I  was  afraid   of  new  people  specially  i  was  really  scared  of  people  belong  to  rich    families  .

I  had  confusion   and  probably   complex   regarding  making  relationship  in  higher  circle   who   were    unaware  of  our   ground  realities .

I  had  FEAR,

   what  if  they   thought  of  me   low because  of  my  lower  middle  class  background ?

What   if   they  misbehaved   with  my  parents  when  they  will  visit  me,   be cause  i  remembered  to   that  whenever  we  visited  them   we  had  think  Lot  about   our  suitable  clothing  so  we  can  look   familiar   to  their  circle .

It  was   hard   to  convince  mom  but  this  was  special  Grace  of my  Creator  that  mom  always  not  only  valued  my   opinion   but often  fought  for  it !

She  was   Savior  for  me  ,  unlike  other  mothers  of  village  she  always  stood  for  our  rights .I  would  have  not  be  ME  if  she  was  not  there  for  me!

She   visited   the  widow  lady   and   refused  politely   which  was  totally  unexpected  for  her  anyway.Mom  also  returned  her  gifts  with  apology. 

In  the   same  year   three   more   proposals  from   well  known  and   rich  families    came ,

One  of    them  was  my   class   teacher   in  primary   school.  She  brought   proposal   of  her   youngest    brother .

Second   was  weird   story  though

One  of    my  cousin   who  lived   in  Islamabad   since  many  years  ,and  was  working  as  babysitter  and  living  with  same  family  meanwhile .

She   brought  a  woman  along  who  had  beauty  parlor   in  the  city  .She   asked  my  cousin   to  tell  her  about  some   nice  girl  so  she  can   make  her   wife  To   her  only  son   who  was   doing   M.B.A.

My  cousin   took  her  to  the  house  of  my  another  cousin  who   was     very  pretty   and  worked  as  babysitter   for  few  months  also  ,although   she  was  uneducated   but  very  smart   and  fashionable.

My   cousin  told   us  later  that   ,  that  woman   saw   my  photo   while  sitting  in  my  other  cousin's  house  (for  who  proposal   was)  and  she  asked  my  cousin   about  me   ,she  left  without  saying  anything  from  there and  few  days  later  came  to  our  house  with  my  same  cousin.

When we  learnt  the  whole  story  we  simply  refused   to  the  proposal   she  brought  for   me .

Fourth  proposal  was  from  a  widowed   man  who  had  six  years  old  child.  He  had  cooking  oil  factory  and  a  plaza .He  offered  my  parents  that  he  will   renovate  our  whole  house  and  put  handsome  amount  of  money  in   their  bank  account.

He  was  referred   by  one  of   my  mom's  cousin  who  was  on  some  post  in  his  factory .

I  again  refused   for  this  proposal  either .

Only  thing  in  my  mind  was  The  fear  of  strange  man  who  will  have  control  of  my  life  and  his  much   higher  status   will  allow  him    to  do   so  more  powerfully .

Meanwhile  when  i   learnt   that  my high  school  principal  who  was   so   kind    to   me   had  promoted  to  position  of  Superintendent   of  district  school ,   i  visited  her  office  and  asked  her  for  favor  for   getting  job as  school  teacher   because  at  the  time  i   did  not  have  diploma  for  applying    as  proper   teacher   .I  said to   her    once  i  will  have  job  i  will  immediately  do  the  necessary  course .

She   was  really  kind and  helpful  as  she  was  aware  of  my  background  and   character .She  agreed    and  within  few  months  i   got  appointment  letter .

That  was  MOST  HAPPY  day of  my  life !


I  thought   from  now  on  all   will  begin  to  be  right!

But  when  my   brother   learnt  about  this  he  shouted  at  me  that    he  will  not  let  me   do  this  job  as  by  doing  so  i  will  ruin  his  honor  which  i  already  did  by  doing  studies .
 Domestic   environment  was  getting  more   frustrating  and    worse  everyday .

Mom   wanted  me  to  get  married  and  settle  down  because  she  was   getting  sick   and  weak    day   by  day!

It   felt   that  i  was  caught  in   thorny   net  and  it  was   impossible  to  get  out!

One  evening  when  my  elder  brother  and  his  wife  argued  and  rushed  into  our    room  ,they  broke  our  stuff  including  our small  black  and  white   t.v  and my  most  favorite   thing  my  old  radio.

 mom  and we  both  sisters  burst  into  cries.

Same   evening  when    my  father   came   for   weekend    I    asked   him   to   take    me   to   Karachi    where  his   best   friend   lived     as   my  father   often   told   about    his    friend   who   lived  in  Karachi   and   had    five   daughters   .His   all   daughter   worked   in  a   garment    factory .

I    thought   I   will    go     and   work   there    and   after   settling    down   I  will   bring  my  mom   and   sister     to   stay   with  me .

I  can   NEVER   forgive    that   winter’s   evening   which   seemed   like   a   Terrible  Storm   that   seemed  to   wanted    us    blow   out !  I     left    house   while   crying   and    leaving    sick   mother    behind   with   younger   sister    was   most   painful   thing   for   me .How   I  convinced    my  mother   is  other   story .

We   got   on  train   without  buying   ticket .I  was   constantly   crying  a  thought   of   unknown   future  was  frightening .Leaving   mom  and  sister  behind   with cruel  brother  and  his  wife  was  also   so  scary.

After   18   hours   journey   when   train  reached  at   Khairpur (where  i  live  now)  station   my  father  suddenly  told   me  that  we  will  get  down  and  will  meet  your  aunt(sister  of  my   father)  .Probably   will  stay   for  one  or  tow  days  and  then  go    to  Karachi.

Long   story   short   ,our  stay   to   my   aunt   house  and  then   in  the  house  of  my  father's  fast  friend(my  father in law)  who  was  like  elder  brother  to  him   got   long.

We  stayed   there   for  more   than  three  weeks  ,i  was  in   my   own  worries   so  i  did  not  notice  that  there  was   something   going  in  my  father's  mind .

My  husband   and  his   father (who  was  just  kind  of  cousin  then)  asked  my  father  that   he  wants   to  marry  me .At   that   time  i   did  not  know  that.

One  day   my  husband  (who was  not husband  then)  gave  me  a  letter  in  which  he  said  that 

 "he  liked  me  and  asking   for  marrying  me  to  my  father  ,hope  you   will  not  say  No"

I   was   not   in  position  to  confess  that  i  liked  him  since  i  was  child  as  we  both  families  visited  each  other  in  past.

But  i  also  did   not  wanted  to  show  that  i  am  so  weak  and  will  accept   his  generosity   quickly ,  so  i  said  i  have  no  intention    to  get   married .
  
During   stay  i  received   a  latter  from  my   mom  she   was  so   sick   and  wanted  to  see  me. 

I  asked  father  that  i  want   to  go  to   see  mom  immediately .When  we  left   my  (then  not)  husband  , his  father  and  my  aunt  accompanied   us .

I  thought  they  want  to  see my  mom.

But  on  when   we   arrived   i  found  mom   normal   which  was  huge  satisfaction   to  my  heart .Then  one   day   when  mom  told  that  my  father  in  law  and  aunt  were  there  for  the  purpose   i  got  upset  because  getting  married  was  mean  to  leaving  mother  alone  which i  did  not  want  to  do at  any  cost.

This  time  father   supported  mom's   decision  and  on  the  other  side  Ali   assured  me  that  he  will  bring  my  mom and  sister  to   stay  with  us   after  marriage.

After   marriage   my  mom  stayed  almost  one  year  and  my  younger  sister  stayed  for  4   years  with  us .

Ali  kept  his  all  promises  and  by  doing  extra  hard  work  he  prepared  for another  job  interview  and  was  selected   among  80  candidates .

It  was  not  ending 

It  was  the  beginning  of  new  different   kind  of  hardships  but  i  cannot  deny  that  with  each   single  step  we  moved  towards  BETTER .


After  7   years  our  marriage  was  in  danger   due  to  influence  of  my  in  laws  and joint  family  system .

But   after  living  away  from my  husband  for  few  years   i  realized  that   i  love  him  and  cannot  live  happily  without  him  i  did  not  waste  the  time  and  returned  to  him  as  he  was starving  to  have  me  back, he proved  it  in  later  years...Then  I  told   him   that  either   I  Loved  Him  since  i  was  10  or  11  years  old .Life  was   changed  and  refreshed   and  since   then  our  love  and  bonding  getting  deeper   and  deeper  everyday :)

This  was  just  one !

My  life  has  many  events   which  made  me  believe  more  deeply   that  though  i  was  not  most  beautiful  ,most   smart  or   efficient   but   i  was  honest   and  loyal  to  all  my  relationships   and  commitments .

And   may  be  my  Creator  liked  my  this  only  feature   and  hold  my  finger  and   led  towards   best!  

Today   when  i  have  all  the  joys  of  life ,i  pay  gratitude  in  each  breath  for  what  My  Creator  has  given  me!!!

And   this  is  why   i  say  repeatedly  that  we  should  not  be  Disappointed  ever  as  disappointment  is  disbelief  in  our  Maker .

All  he  want  is our    belief  in  him

Once  our  belief  is  in  him  is  unshaken   by  odds

He  be  more  kind  and  merciful!

As  he  says "CALL  ME , I  AM  HERE  TO  HEAR  YOU"

Thank  you  for taking your  time and  reading ,God  bless  You  All!!!









27 comments:

  1. A wonderful happy ending, thanks for sharing your story. Life is not easy but sometimes it works out for the best.

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  2. Baili, I am glad you did not leave us early. What a tragedy that would have been. We wouldn't know you, but I think we would know you were missing.

    "Fourth proposal was from a widowed man who had six years old child. He had cooking oil factory and a plaza .He offered my parents that he will renovate our whole house and put handsome amount of money in their bank account."

    Wow... a good woman is worth everything. I think these families saw kindness in you, a willingness to think of others first. It is a rare quality. I was just thinking and praying last night about who my sons will marry. They're still children, but I look at our culture and wonder these things. I am inspired by how the adults in your world work together to use wisdom in these choices. It is somehow so good to hear.

    Bless you.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Sandi Thank you so much for kind words!

      believe it or not i never found myself extra ordinary in any way to worth all that was offered by various means in past.

      I had ordinary looks with ordinary brain ,had no attractive or charm in my appearance at all ,specially when it came to be in crowed i was so shy and reserved ,may complexities of domestic life made me this way

      i was moody and sometime aggressive particularly against opposite gender when i observed or experienced oppression kind of things

      for all my such weird habits my younger sister and cousins (male and female both) always made fun of me
      and according to their prophecies i had no ability to be ever wanted or loved by someone

      unconsciously i started to believe their their sayings about me or may i was annoyed to whole world enough to wanted to be left alone

      therefore when i look back at those proposals i still can't believe it happened

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    2. You were wrong about yourself and so were your cousins. Look at you know, beloved. :)

      Delete
    3. "know"...I meant, look at you now!

      Delete
    4. Thank you my precious kind friend!

      I think it is Just GRACE OF MY LORD!

      Delete
  3. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. You are such a wonderful person and your enduring faith amidst so much pain is an inspiration. So much beauty and love has come of your faithfulness - a happy marriage, handsome sons, and a lovely home.

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  4. I am sorry to hear that you had to endure these difficulties. I am very glad to hear that you have found the joys of life.

    Have a great week!

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  5. I'm so glad your story has a happy ending, and so much of that is because of your personality and character -- you followed your heart to do what was right for you, while still considering your moral code and your responsibility to family. May you continue to be blessed, dear friend! Thank you for sharing the story of this part of your life and the lessons that it held.

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  6. It is so good that your life has improved so much. After so much sadness you have found happiness and love. I don't want to hurt your feelings but your brother and his wife do not seem like people I would be around. Maybe they have grown nicer with age and experience.

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    1. It's okay dear Emma !

      They were just so different than us that's it.

      Or may be they were just source for me to move towards better you know.

      My brother and his wife were insulted by all relatives for what they were doing to us.

      But no one can escape from his NATURE
      And how weird that they both had same nature

      Later they had to pay for their cruelties but their misery did not pleased me
      We both sisters always helped them in critical times

      Delete
  7. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    Life is not always easy, but the ups and downs along the way, the experiences we come through, weave their way into our pathway, and make us who we are today.
    God bless you Baili.

    All the best Jan

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  8. Our creator was looking after you. Sometimes we do not listen to the messages he is trying to tell us. We a stubborn!

    You are a beautiful soul and you were directed to the husband that will help you grow spiritually :-)

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  9. Did you grow up as a person after all that hardship?
    It was worth it then.

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    1. Indeed dear Pedro

      i believe that without all those obstacles i could have not be what i am today

      such difficulties revealed many versions of me hidden within me and all of them helped me to survive through all this

      Delete
  10. How wonderful that you have a very happy ending and a beautiful family from this journey! You have a wonderful soul and that has helped get you where you are today xo

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  11. Dearest Baili...oh how heart-rending!😞
    But now I understand how you have grown into the beautiful Soul that you are today. You have been guided all through the challenging times by our Creator...and you have had the wisdom to hear His voice and trust in Him.
    You are amazing, my dear Friend...and I love you for who you are.😊😊

    All my love and hugs ❤❤❤

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    Replies
    1. I am overwhelmed by your kind words my precious friend Ygraine!!!

      YES I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I WAS NEVER CLEVER OR SMART ENOUGH TO COME OUT OF SUCH TRAUMATIC SITUATIONS

      IT WAS SOMEONE BESIDE ME.
      HOLDING MY HAND AND LEADING TOWARDS RIGHT DIRECTION

      I LOVE YOU TOO MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND!

      YOUR GIFT , YOUR POETRY IS LIKEVA WINDOW TO ENLIGHTMENT!

      Delete
  12. We all have stories, but not everyone has the courage to share. Thank you, Baili.

    I know there are no coincidences, so I believe that someone who desperately needs to read about your journey will see this at just the right time. He / she might not comment, but they will read, and your experiences, your kindness, your faith and your wisdom will have a profound effect on them.

    You are a gift from God, and I thank Him for you, my friend.

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    1. My dear Chris thank you sooo much for sweetness you showered upon me through your words!
      I felt honored!

      When i wrote the title i had no idea what was i going to write because none of my post is ever planned before writing

      But when i start writing i could not hold the flow because i thought as if that part of my story may be could help someone to HAVE FAITH IN HIS CREATOR

      Because i always found the way out through my faith ,so i had no hesitation to share it with my fellow whom i love so much.

      If this read can touch at least a single heart i will have Grace of of Creator more in my life because he be happy with those who try to spread light of FAITH around them :)

      I think we should share our heart with each other as it not only strengthen our bonding but also be source of learning to understand life better !

      Each of us has gift my precious Chris!

      one you have is one of the most powerful ,your art and your painting is truly inspirational my friend!

      Delete
  13. Dear Baili, i started to read this current post and then realized that I had to go to the previous post and read that one first. I am so glad that you did not commit suicide as you had considered. To do so would have deprived you of your loving husband and wonderful sons and everyone who reads your blog posts. I am constantly amazed and thankful for your honesty and considerateness and your belief in a Higher Power and Purpose for your life. You did know best what to do despite your shyness.
    Your brother and his wife and even your father were not very kind towards you and your in-laws as well. Good for you for determining your own path.
    And thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share these very difficult times in your blog posts.

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  14. Dear Beatrice Thank you sooo much for kind comment!

    this is such sweet of you to take your valuable time and read my both post ,specially the last one that got lengthy no matter what i tried to keep it short

    My faith is soul to my body ,without it i cannot survive because i believe if am not connected with my Creator ,all of his blessings will loose their value in my eyes !

    My brother and his wife were kind of test for my life which i passed eventually .

    They were not just enemy of me but their ignorant and extreme behavior destroyed the peace of their own life either

    Their two children became like curse for them and along with that they also suffered with terrible traumas after my marriage

    my father loved us though but less than himself may be as he could not resist his aggression or weak will power to better our lives

    I find true ,kind and precious friends in blogging land and i don't feel hesitation to share my life's events with them specially which involved the victory of my FAITH !

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  15. That is such a moving and powerful story, you have been through a lot and I can see you are a very strong woman☺

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  16. So this explains your beautiful faith - wow, what a life - what a story - what a confirmation that there is something Greater than ourselves - ..who takes our pain and gives us LOVE.

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  17. Thank you for sharing your story! Many blessings my friend!

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  18. It was very good of you to try and help out your mom when she was having so much difficulties in her life, Baili. I'm glad you now have joys in your own life, and you have such a strong faith. Yes, God always listens to us. Thanks for sharing your story, dear Baili.

    ~Sheri

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  19. Dear Baili, thank you for sharing this story. I am so happy that you changed your mind about suicide, and although you had to overcome many difficulties, you are now living a happy and optimistic life. You live your life as a good example to everyone who reads what you write in how to look on the bright side and lead a cheerful life. Wishing you many blessings.

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