Thursday, March 16, 2023

A Timeless Desire

 Do you ever feel that our hidden desires become so obvious as we age. I feel quite helpless front of my desire of learning sometimes. Helplessness is not an enjoyable state for all of us .

When i see back in time i realize that desire for learning kept me anxious since i was child. As little girl from village consist of 33 houses hardly it was challenging to satisfy the urge for learning. 

After befriending with hills and trees laying before my eyes i would spend rest of my time in doing homework ,helping mom in house and reading digests , or books borrowed from school library and scrolling magazines brought by my father.

While helping mom when reading was not possible i would on the radio and listen literary programs hosted by prominent intellectual personalities of 80s. 

Despite of being annoyed for my such endless desperation my mother would walk some miles to town near by to post letters i would write to radio programs . I now, wonder how a mother living in small village like that can be as understanding and broadminded ,so she would take pain to post letters of her daughters to strangers without raising any question?

My eyes get teary when i think of the depth of my mom had as person . Such deep love and strong faith in child is rarely seen. 

As a person what matters for me in relationship is having blind 

" faith" in each other. And this is because my mom made me habitual of it by having it in me. For me this "faith" is love actually. 

I think i was in my early or mid teens when mom bought a 14 inch black and white tv . Unlike now tv had only channel that would start from 3pm to 12am. At the beginning international supports were shown for one hour . At 4pm a program for Quran learning would be telecast for half hour and then some English show for children would come . Only one drama would telecast at 8pm after that news followed by political show . I would wait for 11pm when an old Hollywood would come. I don't have words to tell how desperately i would wait for the movie because it was the only thing that would match my mental level of "entertainment " 

I wish i would have written down the names of those movies and shared it with you so i can hear how much you love them . But i can tell that they were some best telecast on our national television subject wise and presentation. 

I would call radio my second mom back then . But tv and books even digest added much into my knowledge . And this is because i was keen learner . 

I still have a copy on which i would write random stuff copied  from various sources including pieces of paper i would get with some food i buy such as fritters etc .

Now when i am in my early fifties i still feel desperate to learn something all the time . 

Feels like something is "Missing" from the map of life and this anxiousness is pointing out towards it . What it can be " 

Can't say right now.

I tried to chase my instinct for learning blindly ,I ma good at "self control" thankfully but this innocent desire does not seems to come in list of restriction for me so i follow it everywhere .

I thought after  taking  my my masters degree in English i would feel satisfied but feels like when i crossed one river i saw many others ahead ...

For now i am trying to fill this space with book reading ,watching thrillers and mysteries on Netflix and  wondering how it will end?

Or there is no end no beginning just circling round and round ? 

If so ,then this desire has been wearing me since timelessness probably 

thank you for being incredibly kind always dear friends! 


  1. I recognized myself in your post today! I too was a "keen learner" when I was young -- so hungry for education and culture it was like I was starving. I soaked up everything I could get like a sponge.

    1. i felt exactly similar way dear Debra
      your response brought tears of joy in my eyes and smile on my face at once .
      i try to keep things in my heart but sometimes it is impossible and i want to know if someone else feel the same way .
      thank you for this kindness!
      " Starvation" is perfect word for defining my desire for learning as well . Seems like we all appear here with certain desires installed in our bones and it becomes so obvious as we grow older .These desires keep us anxious throughout our life and make us wonder what is wrong and what is missing that keep poking our soul to try harder to achieve something meaningful but what ????
      it is most difficult question . when i start writing i thought i have something to say and for this i have to write and share further but i was afraid of reading others thought on same topics because i though it would be cheating if i will do so. but then restarting my reading with different choice of books i realized that two things
      One that so many people has said on the topic already so much and in a far better way than mine
      second that writing book is specially about very important topics of life is not just sharing personal opinions on specific topic but it requires a vast and intense research about previous opinions made by other prominent writers and then along with all this one can share what is on his own mind .
      that made me feel "shrink "at once
      i doubt i will be ever that wise to achieve something like this .
      after this realization i felt little stressed . know achieving something needs long term and consistent hard work
      will i will be able to do something before leaving this world that stand before me with some meaning :and sense of fulfilment ? no idea
      the starvation is still there ,hiving hold on me sometime tight sometime loose but there to keep me following it's way .
      everything i look at is a way to learn something not just amusement .is this weird ?

  2. The more we learn the more we want to learn. To see more, feel more, be more. I know this is in your heart dear Baili. I admire you for always wanting more and going after it. Have a lovely evening.

    1. i agree dear Nichole
      i chose this image that seems to reflect how strong desire of " learning" attract us towards it it's enormous force and despite the sense of "helplessness" that we feel before this "force"
      our being is started to dissolve into some kind of invisible energy disappearing into thin air in order to pursue that urge absorbing in the each particle of the universe ...

  3. My father graduated Philosophy when he was in his seventys.
    He was the older student in the University.
    It's never too late, baili.

    1. what an inspiring man was your father dear Pedro !
      his honorable achievement gives me hope for future :)
      the thought of such institution comes in mind often where i can select subjects and focus my energy on particular direction ,neuroscience is my grave interest .but i don't know how to do all this because of i live in country with hardly few opportunities for women specially of my age

    2. He still is, baili.
      Being treated to a cancer, receiving chemotherapy for the last few months, at 84 years old, doesn't give up being alive and kicking.

    3. can't thank you enough for sharing this treasured information with us dear Pedro
      my grave interest in human nature is because of the "wonders" it can do when determined .i feel really curious how that invisible energy called our consciousness can control solid matter of our body ?
      can't believe that all special people like your great father were responding to mere chemical reactions .
      you must be a proud son and i am sure you too inherited his shine and rising His good name with your respectful achievements !

  4. Wonderful early memories Baili that you have of learning and TV. When TV came to our land I wasn't that interested in it was busy learning the piano and dancing.

    1. my reply from yesterday is vanished dear Margaret
      being from country where women live in restrictions ,radio and tv are major sources for learning . as i said earlier for me unlike most of people looking shows is not just entertainment but a way to gain knowledge about various things such as broadening language skills ,learning about different cultures and my biggest interest human psyche :)
      you were luckier to have opportunity to learn things that interest you ,piano learning is divine thing to do wow and dancing is passionate and liberating self expression :)

  5. Replies
    1. so true Ashok because without pondering we dwell on surface but treasure are hidden in the deep

  6. Glad you have to desire to learn more. We can never finish learning new things and there are so many things to learn.

    1. so well said dear Nancy .life is very short to learn everything . but i wish we all realize that we need to learn to grow as better person because most of the people stopped it when end up taking high degree

    2. so well said dear Nancy .life is very short to learn everything . but i wish we all realize that we need to learn to grow as better person because most of the people stopped it when end up taking high degree

  7. dear Margaret my mad desire for learning kept me away from enjoying movies and shows i would watch or listen on tv or radio .but everything will come to me with an offer to see and observe the diversity of the life ,emotions ,cultures and people .my interest in human psychology grew from my early observation via these resources .
    you were lucky to have opportunities available all around you and you knew how to choose best for yourself

  8. Such a wonderful post that is quite universal for many of us growing up in remote areas. I remember how fond I was of the radio. Your mom sounds quite wonderful. Thanks so much for sharing this enlightening memory. That yearning to learn is always great to read about.

    1. in that remote tiny village radio was a small window connecting me to the world dear Ellie .
      i learned so much from radio ,specially from shows hosted by literary and intellectual people of that time .their conversations groomed not just my literary knowledge but understanding of various genre of literature .i would send my poems to them and guess what i (by the race of lord) was never corrected by them but appreciated and encouraged for writing nice poetry which was really big deal for me as teenager .i rightly called radio my second mom :)

  9. Great early memories, Baili. I wish all young girls today were encouraged to learn! Sadly this is not the case.

    1. that was shocking experience for me either when during my examination for fourteenth grade i heard girls asking her friend "what is paper today" ??
      ground seemed to shake under my feet when i realized she came to give examination but had no idea what was examination about .Her dependency over "total cheating system" was astonishing .in examination hall many girls laughed on me for writing my paper without seeing books or pages torn from books.
      seems like you too have observed such piece of painful reality dear Marie

  10. My only strong desire is to travel as much as possible and explore other countries and cultures, that's the only education I want. I admire those who have the level of desire for knowledge that you have Baili :)

    1. travelling the best way of learning no doubt dear Betty as there are many quotations about it :)
      you are lucky to have chance to learn by travelling and exploring new cultures

  11. Interesting post again! I was always excited to learn new things when I was young and I loved going to school. I'm still eager to learn new things and I'm constantly researching and looking up information. The more we learn, the more we grow.

    1. it is nice to hear from you dear Martha !
      as they say life is the name of constant change . to change acquires learning because without it change will no be possible . eagerness for learning describe for change indeed

    2. Martha i am impressed by the big selection of books you read ,yes that is inspiring

  12. I have long said that the one thing I do well is to learn. I am interested in almost everything. Reading books, magazines, news, and even advertising papers occupy my mind so well. Looking out my window at the vegetation and animals often teaches new lessons. And of course I can learn from each and every person I meet.

  13. nicely put dear Emma
    Nature this world is open before our eyes like a vast and utterly interesting book ,everywhere we look at knowledge and information is overflowing .though our sense want to dive into this ocean so desperately and want to absorb each drop of it but with life so short and memory so little we can learn few things hardly in our life span :)
    this desperation installed within our souls by our Maker ,makes me curious about him more and makes me fall in love with Him each single moment i see around :)

  14. Hello Dear Baili, Spending the last 12 years in the Blogosphere has been an enlightening experience for me and I feel so fortunate to have met you, Dear Baili. You said, “For me this ‘faith’ is love actually.” I agree 100%. This love goes both ways … from my blog to yours and from yours to mine. When I read your posts and read your comments on my blog I have no doubts about the love that is shared. Baili, we share a lot in our deeper thoughts. When I was just a kid my grandmother told me I had a great sense of curiosity and that it would serve me well in life. I believe that sense of curiosity is exactly the same as you described for yourself in these words, “When I see back in time I realize that desire for learning kept me anxious since I was child. As little girl from village consisting of 33 houses hardly it was challenging to satisfy the urge for learning.” And, again, like you, I was fascinated with RADIO as it was my source of information about the world. Back in those days there was no internet and just about the only way to learn about something was to look it up in the encyclopedia, go to the library, or listen to international radio on shortwave. Finally, again, like you, I am still curious to this day and I’m in my 70s much older than you, Dear Baili. 😊 My latest fascination is Artificial Intelligence. I have subscribed to the one endorsed by Microsoft called ChatGPT. I can ask it some complex questions that would be tough to search out on Google. The answers I am finding with AI are enlightening and I recommend it. I will put a link below if you wish to check out AI. Thank you so much for your kind comments you leave on my blog. Not only do I enjoy them but I also enjoy reading the comments you leave on other blogs I follow. 😊 I wish you and your family good health and happy days ahead. Best regards from Seattle! John

    1. thank you for being exceptionally generous always dear John !
      it is difficult to define how world your kind words matter to me !
      this is great how such sharing make blogger friends feel more connected and familiar to each other . knowing that you loved radio too makes me smile . A big radio was first gifted by my father who remained with me for more than one decade until it became victim of the rage of my older brother .i think i was in grade 7 or 8 when it happened . I spent few days crying unstoppably until my father brought me a second hand small radio which i would keep in hand and put close to me wherever i would go. At night it would stay on my pillow and sometime under my ear .Desire and curiosity to learn more about world out there was uncontrivable. with tv i could see the things that were unfamiliar still looked familiar somehow because i felt less astonished with things that highlight cultural difference .I knew what was my own way but respect for others way helped me to keep learning without wasting time .
      I could not find satisfaction in children's play those day except running downward and upward hills or climbing trees . Elderly people would appeal me more as i have had some connection with them . whenever i would find one i would sit with them ,visit them to their home .invite them to come mine . my curiosity would made me ask so many stupid questions to them and those kind people would love me back and answer me each time . this stays among is most beautiful my memories belong to my native village. now i know why i preferred being with older people more back then. probably unconsciously i knew that older people contain treasures of knowledge about life and my longing for knowledge led me to them more often . i would and i still find a strange peace when with older people .
      this habit of mine (probably) raised faith of my mother in me and she never doubted any of my action and supported me always.
      Curiosity is gift if is led by wise heart i believe .and your grandma said so true about you that it will serve you well as i see in your 70s you have heart of an innocent child : walking smilingly to miles and captures the breath of life passionately and share it with so many who are not privileged with sights like these are attitude like yours :)
      i too feel so blessed to have you as blogger friend as i realize how pure is your heart as i see your comments are mostly one of the detailed one and considerate one always ! this is true love that is not bound by boundaries but held by single chain of humanity!
      my sons has asked me to use chatbot but i could not until now due to lack of the skills of time management :(
      i am glad you found more reliable and quick platform .
      health peace and happiness to you and to your loved ones

    2. Dear Baili, Your reply almost brings me to tears. Thank you for sharing so much love and kindness. What you said touches my heart. I could go on and on here but I just had to tell you how much I appreciate your kindness. You are truly one of a kind … a most gracious and kind human being. Blessings and happiness to you and yours! Thank you again! John

    3. as they say goodness that one carries inside reflects in everything around him dear John !
      with deepest gratitude all i can say to you is that i felt honored to hear kind words from you !
      God bless you ,may this goodness you spread around keep getting back to you each moment amen!

  15. Your mother was a wise woman for encouraging your early quest for learning, but you already know this, Baili. My own mother was not an avid reader, and did not even use the local library, but I can recall that she would drive me to the small branch near our home. Also, she never restricted my choice of reading materials. So, like yourself, I also thank my mother for her encouragement of learning. The radio was always on in my childhood home, and the programs listened to were news and music. Classic movies would be shown on TV and I would watch these. The broadcast times were earlier than 11 pm at 5 and 8 pm as my bedtime was by 9 pm then.

    I too am curious to learn more about so many things and enjoy sharing in my blog posts.

    1. thank you dear Dorothy !
      i believe that if my mother would have not supported us while living among so many restrictions and false ideas about girls education we could never have the life we have now . If my mom was a weak woman she would have kneeled down before her brothers or my ant who also had married in an influential family an we had to stay in one of her empty house for two years before moving to our new own house. bust she refused her for giving my hand to her ignorant spoiled son .same thing she did to her brothers .it was big war for her that she had to fight until i got married and my sister left village.
      when i see how a kindest and sweetest man God gave me as life partner and how we could educate our children my respect ,love and gratitude gets deeper and deeper everyday !
      you too seems really blessed to have an understanding mother who supported you not just in all you wanted to do in life but guided you despite of her lack of worldly education . my mom had no schooling as well but my father had taught her simple reading and writing thankfully .but i think the wisdom does not on books but is inherited from ancestors and installed in our genes that our commonsense matches with life we face later and shape us accordingly .
      on radio i would chase intellectual conversations and would write my own thoughts on topics to them as listeners in letters .music was on second and drams would come at night only
      i am pretty inspired by your grave love for learning my friend as you mention book readings and specially your posts that carry abundance of information and knowledge are amazing always and add so much to my perspective :)

  16. O desejo de aprender é extremamente importante e evita o envelhecimento do cérebro.
    Tudo de bom.
    Um beijo.

  17. yes i agree totally dear Grace as they say "use it or loose it "

  18. Another very interesting post you've shared here, thank you.
    I do think that no matter our age we always have the opportunity to learn.

    Enjoy your week.

    All the best Jan

  19. When I read your post, I find myself very similar to you. Anything I want to do on my own, if I'm in a study group, I want to learn and do everyone's work. Part of that is because I want everything to be good, the way I do it. Part of that is because I want to learn and learn more even if it's not my major. You can refer to my blog:

  20. I find that as I grow older I am more anxious about some things and less about others. Life has a way of balancing things out.

  21. I am still hungry for knowledge but lately I have found myself distracted by trivial things. This leads to me feeling unfulfilled so I need to refocus my thoughts.
    Than you :-)

  22. well darn, i don't have time to go back and read everything you have posted since I was gone from October to December, then came home and just barely felt like posting anything ...but I have to say reading you is so delightful. I loved this post and your passion for knowledge. I totally get it. Plus mystery shows on neftlix - you and me both. I especially love the mystery detective shows on Acorn TV. Anyway, i will probably come back here and there to see what I've missed in all these months.

  23. Oh heartfelt thanks dear Sandy as you took your precious time and visited to my older posts ,this is honor for me !
    oh yes mystery and detective shows are always my pick if i am watching alone :) i am glad hubby has started to join me as well as his top fav was the historic and then action one but now he is watching with me and kind of growing likening too :)

    1. that's great your husband enjoys them with you. My guy likes totally different shows so we have our own TV's to watch our shows. I do enjoy your posts - they are always full of news with what's happening in your life and photos... I also look forward to your courtyard area with the flowers every spring.

  24. oh ok you guys have two different tvs .
    actually honestly i am so madly in love with reading and writing and if it was only up to me how to spend my evening time till bed i would have spend it more in doing more appropriate things but i watch tv along with hubby instead because i feel that would be rude (my opinion) as i believe sitting to watch tv together is our way to spend time together somehow and watching tv together makes it enjoyable for both of us specially hubby i believe .
    although it is said that watching tv alone is good sign ,we both do it once pic to watch is not of likening of other but still sitting close by and strolling phone screen or laptop is option then


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