Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Disappointment Is Disbelief , Suicide Attempt Story !

I    was   never  a   one  single   person    and  none  of  us  is  i  believe .

To    deal     with     life     fairly   which     consist    weirdly   various  things    and  incidents   that   we   encounter    in  life   time   to   time ,  We   are   equipped    with   so  many   characteristics   by  our  Maker!


All   of   these  are   stored   in   our  memory   already ,

Though ,

  Life   ,Time   and   Events   Reveal    them   eventually   one  by  one.

Now   in  the  49th   year   of  my   life    i  can   look   back  and   find   different    versions   of  me  who  came   out    and  faced  the   life   according    to    their   own  distinguished   capability .


One   of   them   was   Disappointment!

Many   factors   were   there   to  driven   it   out.

As  i  mentioned   in  my   many  previous  posts  that  when   my  elder   brother   died  with  t.b ,  We   were  living  in  Hyderabad  city    situated    only  few   hours  drive  from  Karachi, 
 i   was   four  or  five  years   old  then.

My   mom   went   into   deep   depression   and   according  to  doctor's  advice   she   needed   to  change  the  place  to  improve  her  mental  health.

My  father   wanted   to  move   to  his  own  city  (where   i  live  now  with  my  husband )  as  he  grew  up  here  and  his  younger  sister  and  fast  friend  (my  father  in  law)  lived   here .

But   mom   wanted   to   move  to  her  native  village (my  maternal  native  village   where  i  grew  up )  as  she   was  emotionally  broken  and  needed   her   parents  ,  siblings   and  relatives  to  support  her .

My   father   inevitably   moved   with  mom  to  her  hometown   but  he  was  never    welcomed  by   his   in  laws as  he   was  second   husband  of   my  mother   to  whom   she  married   after  breaking  up   her  first  arranged   marriage  with   her  cousin .

He   (first  husband) was   rich  and  flirt    and   cruel   to  my   mom   therefore   she  left  him    and   married   to  my  father   who  was  in  early  training   of  police  then.He  had  to  leave  his  job  to  move  in  mom's  town.

  That   raised   issues   between    mom  and   dad   gradually  ,   they  did   not  divorce   though   but  their  relationship   got  bad  enough  to  destroy    the  peace   of  home  and     influence   their   kids  psyche .


Father   wanted   mom   to  stay  formal   with  her  brother's  family   but   things   got  worse  when   one  of  my  uncle  who  strongly  opposed  my  father  was  sick   with  asthma    and   mom   look  after    him  more  than  her  own  family .She  also  supported   them  financially .

My   father   who  was  feeling  so  alone  and  neglected  there   became  protestant   on  this   and  in  coming    years   he   did   not  behave   like  normal   father   or  husband  anymore .

Which   changed  our  life  in  some  ways   as  there  were   good  times  ,when  father  was   with  us 

And  there  were  bad  times  either   when  he  left   us  for  months .

My   father  was  watch  maker  and  was  employed   as   head   watchmaker  in  a  big  shop     in  Islamabad . The   owner   was   a  widow   lady   who  had    tow  sons .They  also  owned  a  printing  press.

The  widow   lady   and   her  both  sons   respected  my  father  a lot .He  worked   with  them  for  13  years .He  was  such  fine   and  expert  in  his  skills  that  he  was  offered     double  amount   of   salary   few   times  from   rivals   but  my  father  never  changed  his  loyalty.

Back   to   actual   track  that   my   father  started   to   disappear   for  months  .He   would  come  to  live  with  his  sister   and  friend  (who  was  more  like big  brother )  here  in  Khairpur .


During   in  his  absence  we  faced  hard   times .Mom  worked  as  midwife  sometimes    to  earn  living .And  sometimes  she  worked  in  fields .


 Sometimes  she  sold  stuff  of  the  house   to  buy  our   school  books .

That  was   painful  period   of  my  life .Tow  men    of  my  life   ,my  father  and  my  only  one  eldest  brother  were  not  meeting   with  portrait  in  my  head  as  ideal   father   and  brother .

Our   mom   was   fighting  many   battles  at   the  same  time.   She  was   facing   the  instability     of   my  father  .
Powerful    aggression    of  her  brothers   and  other  relatives  for  putting   her  daughters   in     school (we  both  sisters   were   first  from  our  village  who  went  to  school).


And   pressure   of   her   brothers   and  sister  who  were  asking   her  to  marry   her  daughters   to  their  boys .My  eldest   brother  was  mostly  the   reason   behind  all  the  negativity   as  he  was  supporting  them   not  us.

When   he   got  married   His  wife   and  him   made   our   lives   miserable  . There  were   arguments  on  everything  and  every  move   everyday.


Mom   got  sick   ,I  was  sick  already  with  high  anemia .I  was  16  then.  I  was  loosing   my  mind   as   inspite   of   being  innocent  we   were   being   targets   all  the  time.


I  was  always  a  calm  person  who  does  not  react   until   someone  hurts   directly  few   times ,Yes   it   was  my  nature .Polite   and  helpful  even  to  those  who  did  not  like  me  for  their   personal   reasons .

Domestic   environment  was   getting  unbearable  as  i  was  one  who  did  not  like  complications  and  prefer  simple  peaceful  life   which  was  not  possible  anymore.

It   seemed  that   there  were  huge  walls  around  me  moving    towards  me   slowly  and  there  was  no  way  out.

I     realized  that  Death  can  give   me  peace!

So   one  day  i   broke  some  bangles  and  crushed  them  ,  i  thought   if   i  would   swallow   them ,i  will   die....  and  all  will   be  right .......

to  be  continued 



 


27 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about this. Life can sometimes be so difficult. I await the next part of your account.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Brian life is not so simple and smooth all the time for almost all of us

      It has different shades at different points

      Everything is part of it to bring out our true selves

      Delete
  2. This heartbreaking Baili. I can't wait to hear what changed your path.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Linda I am sharing this part of my life just because you always find me so cheery and optimistic

      Want to tell that just like everyone either I have many of me who revealed through the different events of life

      How an insecure yet humble girl turn into a little better and confident woman

      Delete
  3. I have missed your stories they teach so much about real life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Real life is far scarier than stories or movies dear Christine

      My life drivers in many aspects throughout though but ONE THING NEVER CHANGED

      MY FOGY FEELING TO HAVE MY MAKER ALONG GOT CLEARER WITH EACH DRAMATIC TURN OF MY LIFE

      Delete
  4. Oh Baili, I'm so sorry for the pain in your early life but am glad to know that your attempt to take your life failed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear friend I kept that crushed pieces of glass bangles for long
      I hold them in my hand front of me to just swallow them but May be ONE WHO WAS WITHIN ME AND AROUND ME DID NOT WANT ME TO DO SO

      Delete
  5. Oh dear Baili, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It must have been a hard time for you growing up. All families have their dysfunctional episodes and setbacks in life, and sometimes we are the ones who suffer for the selfish acts of others. But God sees all, every detail in our lives, and He will make our wrongs right again. It sounds like your mother had such a difficult time in her life, and your father as well, and maybe they did the best that they could. The enemy wants us to be miserable, desperate, and in despair. God wants us to cherish life, as it is a precious gift.....so rejoice, dear Baili, and know that God loves you very much! Sending a big comforting hug your way. : )

    ~Sheri

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Sheri for such loving words!

      Now many years later I can understand that no one was wrong.
      Not my mom not my father .they were fighting their battles for causes that mattered to them then .

      What my big brother and his wife did was just their nature. They were simply selfish and that is it.

      But REAL MIRACLE IS THIS THAT HOW GOD TAKE CARW OF HIS INNOCENT MEN

      HOW HE TURNS ALL THE WORSE INTO BEST , THIS IS UNBELIEVABLY SURPRISING

      Delete
  6. It can be scary to know what your mind tells you when you are at your most vulnerable. I am so happy you are still here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Emma this is what I am talking about

      OUR minds get stormy with pressures that life bring to us.

      To deal with such conditions mind put many options to as he is made to do so

      It depends upon our insight and capability to face ugly realities of the life .

      MY POINT IS HERE THAT ALNOGWITH INSIGHT AND CAPABILITY THERE IS ONE OTHET THING THAT HELP US TO CHOOSE THE WAY OUT AND

      THIS IS FAITH IN NOT ONLY GOD

      BUT

      IN OUR OWN RIGHTEOUSNESS!

      THAT CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY LEAD US TO THE DIRECTION WHICH TAKES US TO OUR DESTINATION.

      AND THIS IS CALLED DESTINY.
      WHICH MEANS WILL OF OUR CREATOR

      WHO KNOWS US BETTER THAN US AND GUIDE US FOR BETTER OPTION ALWAYS BUT MYSTERIOUSLY SOMETIMES THAT WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE ARE DOING THIS!

      Delete
  7. How hard it must have been for you to be in such a situation, baili. Life has many rough spots and can be very unfair. Sometimes it seems that the worst people have the easiest lives, and the ones who deserve contentment have to fight hard for it and may never reach it in spite of that. I await the next part of this piece of your history. Hugs, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Jenny I always talked through my experiences and observations like everyone does.

      AND THROUGH ALL THIS HAVE LEARNT THAT IF ONE STAYS STICK TO HIS FAITH IN HIS CREATOR

      AND HIS FAITH IN HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS

      CREATOR TAKES HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO CHOOSE HIM WHAT IS CORRECT FOR HIM

      CREATOR TAKES THE RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT HIM FROM HARMS CAUSED BY OTHERS

      AND ALL THESE MIRACLES HAPPEN THROUGH THE MIND OF HIS TROUBLED MAN .

      HE SUDDENLY GOT ABILITY TO TAKE RIGHT DECISION UNKNOWINGLY

      Delete
  8. Fortunately we know that this story has a happy ending, that you are alive and you became a kind, loving person, and happy too I hope, with a lovely family, friends, many talents, creativity... and so many blogging friends. :)
    Hugs and blessings to you, dear Baili!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you dear Sarah !

      Yes all is fine in my world

      Through few rough storms this boat find the way to sail away with serenity by the grace of God!

      Delete
  9. Life sometimes is not what it seems …
    Thank you for sharing this here Baili.

    God bless.

    All the best Jan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true dear Jan

      It certainly sometimes differ in situations and events

      And May be this is ACTUAL beauty of life :)

      Delete
  10. Such painful times, Baili. I'm so sorry you went through all this. But I'm glad you are still here with us! The world is a better place with a wonderful person like you in it. Looking forward to reading the continuation of this story xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think such painful periods of life give richness to happy times of our life .

    I could have never learnt the TRUE MEANING AND BEAUTY OF LIFE WITHOUT THOSE BITTER EXPERIENCES DEAR MARTHA !

    BECAUSE bad gives meaning to better

    ReplyDelete
  12. Baili,
    All you say is part of the process of growing up as a person.
    Disappointment, grieve, pain, we all have to face and overcome it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Baili, I'm sorry that your path has been so difficult. I admire your bravery and honesty in dealing with your past and send a big, strong hug.
    Amalia
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. It is our experiences in life that lead us to who we are today. The more painful experiences are the ones that mold and form us.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We all go through things! I truly understand! Big Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is so sad and scary, Baili. I am sorry to learn that you had these troubles in your family.

    ReplyDelete