It is nice when i see that despite less resources and least support from government our society is evolving gradually overall .Many hard core old fashions are left behind such as keeping girls from studies or specially treating them as inferior to boys whether domestically or in outer world. Parents of today are more cooperative towards their children and more of them now prefer to follow what their kids want. Sadly rural areas are exception until now and children are still considered as slave or property by parents.
I am from a small village and i have witnessed such grand pressures on parents ,mothers particularly by relatives ,aunts and uncles .My mother was really brave to refuse to being part of it and sending her daughters to school rather than surrendering before the demands of relatives for the marriage of her daughters. I keep thanking God for giving me such wise and strong mother !
As a mother i too have been facing such pressures since a decade almost from different relatives from my maternal side and from in laws as well. The demand to get their daughters for my sons as daughter in laws . If i had mind set of controlling parent it would have been true long ago. But I am not that kind of person who overshadow life around her and feel strong . My strength is my love and that is all i have . Love never controls .Our God has given us endless things but he does not like to make us his puppet but his followers who choose Him over all other things willingly by using the light he has given us as our"mind". I find this way of God so divine and fascinating ,utterly wise and liberating . It is exceptional feeling to Choose him with all my heart with my own will by using insight he has blessed me with!
I have nature to nurture my children with love and let them go to make their own way . If my love has power to keep me alive in their heart they will come to me some day to share bond i used to do with them once. And if it's not i don't need empathy or relationship made forcefully. This is not me .
It is hard to make this understand by others though. So this has been little tough to keep up with all relatives who weren't happy by this actually. Some thought i did not like their girl personally and made up the story to refuse. Some who knew me better as person thought it is my bad luck to have such simple nature and let my children go out of my hand. So many self made stories kept me hurt for long. Now all girls in the family are married well almost so things are getting bit normal . At heart i am at peace because i know i di nothing wrong .I would have love to say yes to any of them if my boys were interested but since they are part of different world now they are more interested in self growth first and marriage is not priority for them.This is nice to feel they are growing not just physically but their spirits are evolving too . But this is also little worrying that my eldest son is being late for settling down honestly.
I brought this topic today because one of the wedding i attended recently was of kids among which one was under age . This was disturbing not for me only but for the father of underage boy and all both side family members.
Baili, how old are people usually when they marry there? Here it seems the more educated a person is the older they are when they marry. That's not always a good thing. I think it is good to marry young and cherish your person all through life, doing life together. Does that make me a romantic? 🙂
ReplyDeleteMaybe the 17 year old will strive for things in life he would not have otherwise because now he has responsibilities. It could turn out for the better, despite the shock of his young age.
dear Sandi true about more education seems to delay they marriage ,here either it happens though for little different reasons . i have seen many highly educated girls enter into even their mid 30s or 40s while waiting for their "right men" holding same academic degrees and better background . such cases are heartbreaking indeed because it is hard for parents to find boy with qualities they want for their daughters groom. no doubt that high education influence people's mind set for brighter future and dream life partner . It though happens in higher middle class or upper class only . middle or lower middle class have different standards where guarding "honor is most important and honor is defined by good character of girls and boys actually. The fear of the any possibility that boys or girls can make mistake which will stain their family name make them to decide for their children to get into marriage in early age even in mid teens like this.
Deletesecond reason is poverty ,marrying girls at young age is way to get rid of their responsibility, the mother of the boy in this story is actually daughter of my first cousin ,he is son of my late aunt ,she was only sister of my father . My aunt's father owned a state and garden as he was well known landlord but after he died my cousin unfortunately sold away every thing in life style that wasn't appropriate . the whole extended family discarded him including myself
because of his immature behavior . he married all his more than ten children before they were 15 sadly except girl who was 19 . May be this daughter of my cousin inherited such mindset from her father and found it okay to put her son into such bad situation .
knowingly or unknowingly i always liked balance in life dear Sandi .at young age marriage wasn't in my wish list at all but i had to get married because of certain reason, i was married at my 19th year. but personally i too think marriage at early age can be better only because young people are flexible and open to adoptions of new environments and adjust with new behaviors . i think 20 to twenty five is best age for marriage but again everything depends how different people react to it actually. i accepted what i had to and i had strong appeal for goodness and simplicity which was much in my life partner .i mean we both luckily have simple mind set and easy to live together.
for this boy's future whole family was worried including us because we all knew how tough it will be for him to handle his marriage as dependent son. this is bad but we all are wishing them good luck with heartfelt prayers and whatever else was possible
Good for you for not pressuring your sons to marry. You're right -- they live in a different world and have different priorities right now.
ReplyDeletethis is really a gift to have an ability to feel in other's shoe dear Debra ,this quality helps me to realize instantly how other is perceiving the world and how i can play my roll into it . people think ego defines us as humans ,i think ego restrains from understanding each other and pull us away from each other .i am thankful God hasn't give me that toxic thing ego that makes life difficult
DeleteI am glad your sons won't have to marry so young. Happy Ramadan
ReplyDeletethanks dear Christine ,i am thankful god gave me wisdom to understand life and it's complexities , i am thankful i have courage to accept the difference of opinion and respect what or how others think of life
DeleteOld customs can create chaos. One might wonder about the person who put it all into action and will she ever consider what she has done to change these two lives. Of course, she might feel she has found a higher calling. Or her way of running the household. Yet, both might be in that naive territory and can somehow bounce back in this modern world we live in. I hope they will get the education they need.
ReplyDeleteYes, you were very fortunate to have a mother who didn't bring you into this village drama. Thanks so much for the story. Even in the west, there are many families who want to stir their children into a better future with who they want them to be with, too.
precious Ellie in my simple opinion even old customs have significance that was perfect in olden times because it resonate with values societies had back then . ancient wisdom has strong and obvious importance when it come to live a simple happy life but as we see world is not the same old place with simple minded people who live life with specific straight rules .
Deletelife is complex and people like twists and turns in life . they value adventures more than flowing the same old path blindly even if it adds chaos in life or trouble their personalities being experimental is considered interesting and who does not want to be one .a simple desire to fit in new perceptions of life.
learning from our personal mistakes is preferred than obeying the old patterns .
the mother of this boy tied herself in a promise that was beyond her approach to fulfil actually .the promise was about she will get her niece settled into marriage with certain man who was her brother in law and was supposed to be widowed soon because her sister was on death bed due to severe heart disease. the sister died ,the brother in law was widowed but her father (my cousin) married another daughter (step sister of the mother of boy) to widowed man and now she was left annoyed and puzzled .she decided to fulfil her promise by marrying her niece to her own little son sadly .that was rough end of deal between two sisters sadly. i think her husband (brother of hubby) will suffer most because he is the only one who is responsible for supporting his family .
dear Ellie my soul pays thanks each day to God who has blessed me with such wise and brave mother .life i have now would have not been possible if her right decisions weren't made on right time for us
I enjoyed this account of arranged marriages. It's very difficult to go against very set traditions. I'M GLAd THAT YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THIS SITUATION with your sons.
ReplyDeletegoing against traditions is worst when is alone and family specially parents aren't supportive dear Red .
Deletei am really thankful that despite having brought up in lower middle class my mother had strikingly insightful mind who could see that basic joys of life are not bought by money only but good and kind nature of people is must for having a happy family life . she dared to say no to rich families who asked her daughters hand and chose what she was safer option for their peace of mind .that is rare quality indeed and i am really grateful God transferred this in me as well
Your journey and the challenges you've faced resonate deeply, showcasing the strength and wisdom you've cultivated as a mother. It's commendable how you've chosen to nurture your children with love and empower them to pursue their own paths, despite the pressures from relatives and societal norms. Your resilience and faith in God's guidance shine through, guiding you through the complexities of familial expectations and personal convictions. Wishing you and your family health, peace, and happiness on this blessed day of Ramadan and beyond. 🌟🙏
ReplyDeletewww.melodyjacob.com
heartfelt thanks for the encouraging comment dear Melody !
Deletei thank you particularly for mentioning the "faith" here because to me Faith is basic element of strength that a person can show while facing such issues . It is not easy indeed to see family members annoyed or irritated by decision you make for your own family . this is a negative side of close relationships existing among families honestly . most of the people do not expect "no "from a person or people whom they think has always stood by them during hard times. it is easy for them to deepen relationship with people who are kind and friendly .but it is hard for them to realize that children have separate lives and should not be mould in order to save personal interest .as result things are bitter for while but may be they understand eventually that each family has distinct standards for life and must be left alone to pursue what they find of worth in life.
such quests are impossible without "faith" because once you have realization of right and wrong determined by nature and you know that you are on right path it is easy to stay firm and unshaken
my mom did this unlike her own mother who got her daughter married to at twelve or eleven to man of thirty five or so .my mom suffered hell because of her wrong decision throughout the life but all the suffering could not turn her negative side on so she also become a dark person full of revenge but instead she was kindest and wisest woman i ever knew . she stood for her daughters ,kept them saved from marrying younger age and sent them to school .allowed them to decide for their own future and most above gave them wisdom to walk on path of life carefully to exist harmlessly and make this existence successful or keep trying at least
Here, people are marrying at later ages. I didn’t realize people married so young there. Your sons have freedom to choose for themselves that many don’t have, Baili. You encouraged their education and gave them freedom to choose their partner and path in life. They are bright and talented young men! I know you are proud of them and rightly so. Well done, my friend.
ReplyDeletethank you for kind words that are comforting always !
Deleteindeed this is true grace of God who give us insight to see things in positive light and understand others as humans as we consider ourselves dear Marie
i may hear lot bad from many regarding this habit of mine but what is priceless to me is peace of mind that comes after when we choose right thing to do .i think it was right thing to let children fly away and seek their paths ,choose for them selves whether career of life partner . i wish same for each single person because this is correct way to do this in my opinion . in our Holy book God says that
"stupidity is bad because it let us perceive everything wrongfully and take wrong decisions which causes troubles to others and humanity "
it is hard to makes others understand that what they call foolishness of me as mother is actually a right act of a mother.
i don't complain nor i am angry with them ,i love them all and thankfully they know that i do and equally .
but i want them to rethink for the sake of goodness of their kids at least
Your mother was indeed a strong and enlightened woman, and I'm very glad she protected your right to an education. And now you are passing that on to your children. Even though they are boys and do not face exactly the same pressures as girls, it is clear from your story of the underage boy getting married that some boys are still pushed into life decisions that are not what they would have chosen. I'm glad your boys will get their education first and find out who they are and what they want, and THEN make decisions that are truly theirs. You and your husband are wonderful parents, baili!
ReplyDeletethanks dear Jenny !
Deletemy mother has been biggest inspiration in my life . the most impressive part is that even though she never went to school she had great fondness for learning. she had learned from my father how to read and write basically .she would read new papers ,would converse with my father about current affairs of national or international politics ,she had likening few of them too. she loved music ,movies ,shows all knowledgeable things that improve one's insight on various aspects of life ,she would watch sports too ,we were crazy for cricket those days . mom was not just amazing cook but all other skills that were considered essential for women were learned by her . she was social and five times prayer . she showed her bravery on many occasions that impressed so many at that time . her wisdom about life had great impact of spirituality .she never liked rat race but taught us to stay unique and strong and keep self respect top on priorities .
her decision making was unshakeable, it was really tough for her to be discarded from her family only because she wanted us to study Jenny . she was heart broken but peaceful that she was doing a right thing .
being her daughter i feel same about my own children thankfully and i am grateful that i have partner who shares my thoughts regarding children .
It is clear to me that you inherited your mother's strength and intelligence and learned from her example as well. I am in awe of how both of you went against the cultural norms to give your children a better chance in the world. That is truly courageous and forward-thinking. xx
DeleteYou are absolutely right to wait until your sons choose their lifetime companions. You have a good marriage but I remember you telling how unhappy you were in the beginning. You and your husband might have married each other anyway but I understand that things are done differently where you are. Even so you were both lucky that you have a loving relationship. I believe that when your sons are ready they will have happy families.
ReplyDeletein our case dear Emma hubby proposed me and i refused at first but being old acquaintance as cousin he wrote me many letters to convince that in such troubling situation and with such reserved attitude it will be a wise decision to accept his proposal because he was not stranger at least . trust is risky but easy a bit if you know someone for long time and specially when your parents are great admirer of him as a fine young man with decent habits.
Deletei stepped into relationship with lots of fears that disappeared slowly when i found him really kind understanding and wise person . he had wisdom and care of my mother that gradually make us comfortable with each other .
i was shy but angry young woman full of suspicions about this particular relationship and about men and with time i tried to eliminate my bad habits for the respect he gained from me with his kindness.
if i too had suffered in relationship with my husband i would have totally different person i think with more negative approach about everything almost. but the success of our relationship is root of my light nature and more flexible attitude . i see this in my children as well by the grace of God and i believe that Nature within which we exist senses us from within and help us to take right decision in right direction on right time (hopefully)
no relationship can be perfect ,it is our attitude that matters .our way to look at things and behaviors which are under influences of so many things at a time and not worthy of taking much seriously so we make them base for bigger decisions . at the root trust and respect for each others matters most
I didn't know that some people in your country were still marrying so young. I hope the groom is able to get enough education to support his family.
ReplyDeleteas i said dear Kathy in cities things are changing and have changed to some extent .in big cities i have heard that grownup kids are moving to live alone .after marriage moving separate is now common in cities .
Deletebut in rural areas where education is least and people are living economically hard life marrying at young age is still happening .my sisters in laws though live in rural areas still all their children were married after twenties or late twenties because they don't believe in under age marriage .
the groom is in early seventeen and seemed so lively and childlike during the events because he has no idea of the intensity of situation he was entering actually .he skipped his 8th grade exams too ,i wonder if he restarts study
You have raised some special sons. They clearly have values that guide them. That comes from being raised by loving devoted parents who hold a standard. 19 & 17 yeas old? Oh my.
ReplyDeleteall my breath are beaded with gratitude dear Susan !
DeleteMay God keep guiding them for better choices and brighter life in future amen!
yes this is the really sad story ,i wish time can return because i know that girl would have found a better match as she is nice and pretty
Who am I to meddle in your customs Baili but I do have my own thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you telling us your thoughts, and my, you are doing a great job being so strong and letting your children (sons) do their own thing with you and your husbands guidance. I personally don't agree with cousins marrying cousins for their children's sake or beyond, their children as it's inbreeding to a degree. The young boy at 17 in my opinion is way too young and should be permitted to finish is education..
Take care Baili.
bailiMarch 17, 2024 at 4:38 AM
Deletethank you so much dear Margaret !
i am fortunate that hubby is broad minded and supports his family when it comes to take difficult decisions .this keep family from tearing away honestly .
oh yes one of the son of one of my sister in law (hubby's sister) is suffering from such severe problem .his children are born with specific health issues for which such marriages are forbidden by doctors
First, Baili, thank you for sharing this post about arranged marriages which I understand is customary in many countries, but nit always for the best reasons. It seems unfortunate that the 2 young people you wrote about were forced to marry because of family pressures and not for love. They are both very attractive and sad that they could not complete their education and find their own life partner. Your sons are fortunate to have such a wise mother as yourself who does not see the need to abide by societal customs and convince them to marry. You and your husband can be rightly proud of the young men that they are now focused on their education, career friendships and enjoying life.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletedear Dorothy no doubt couple is young and vulnerable to offences they can face in future because of this wrong time marriage (god Forbid) yet whole family is stood with them as nothing could be done to reverse this situation except figure out what the couple prefer in life and what they willing to do to handle the situation .
Deletethe groom was nice student actually and we all thought he would complete his education and help his father to support family first ,he has elder sister and six other young school going siblings .family needed one more supporter badly .but now it is possible or not we can't say ,waiting for their response to this thing .
honestly i have so interested in the education of the children of my all in laws sisters and brothers .since they all came back in connection with us i keep try to motivate mothers to pay attention to the studies of their children because it is only "hard work" that bring fruit to the tree of life in future ,no other way exists .but after long quest i realize that no one can change anyone unless they themselves want to change their life .to change life ,changing the mindset is really important but most of the people find it impossible because of the effort it requires sadly
Hi Baili, I think you are so wise and have given your sons the very best opportunities, they will marry for love not for family, honour or money and that is admirable. In the UK it is illegal to marry first cousins and frowned upon even second cousins, so to our culture the marriage of your nephew doesn't feel right but in any event, he was so young and his whole future will now be dominated by being a provider, huge responsibilities lie ahead, I hope he and his new wife can have a liberal household where family members don't interfere, that they can both love each other and can both provide for the home in their own ways. I am so glad when I read your posts that you do not have any demands or expectations of your sons except to be good people and make use of the opportunities that are presented. Your faith and inner trust in what is right shines through. Betty
ReplyDeletethanks dear Betty !
Deletethis great that government is trying to help people in taking right decisions about cousin marriages that are considered threat for future family . i hope someday our govt take same steps to avoid damage .
i think since this world has been created love marriage has been felt as potential threat by in laws of both boy and girl .i see how specially girl's in laws keep try to make life miserable for both husband and wife who chose each other only because they see "soul mate" in each other
still love marriages happen here because many people have gentle nature too and broad approach towards life and people that helps to understand each other and value and respect each others likes dislikes and opinions overall .just like my mother at the beginning opposed our marriage unlike my father who wanted it ,despite she adored Ali for his qualities still she was concerned with sending her daughter far away in other part of country where weather is extreme ,most of the people are illiterates that makes whole environment tough for a women and their accessibility in outside world totally unlike our village or Islamabad . my mother also hesitated because of my would be mother in law who was utterly extreme in her opposing her former daughter in laws and even her own children and her own mother who used to live with her back then. She knew it will be really hard for me to face her disturbing mood swings and rage .
But i took this risk for two things one was a slight flare of feeling that i had for Ali since i was in my early teens .Second Ali had convinced me that i can trust him . i grew up listening good things about him so i accepted his offer hesitatingly though . No doubt at the beginning i felt i was exposed to scorching sun suddenly after remaining under shade of love of mother and lush comfort of village ,i had to suffer with really unfair behavior of my mother in law and whole family who was under her influence ,it continued for 16 years until we moved here finally . I hate memories of those days when only because of stress i was given i misbehaved with hubby .it could have turn disastrous if hubby would have not loved me more honestly . I am thankful i could figure out those mistakes of mine and could fix them slowly .
as far as expectations are concerned i truly believe that there is only one single force in whole universe that can turn people or things in our favor or opposite ,nothing else can work otherwise . So i expect only from God and do my part with honesty and that is it. but i will say that i can't take credit for this humble effort too because God has ingest it in my nature and i don't have to make any effort to do it .
You are a wonderful mother and have raised your Son's well. Stand your ground and if the rest of the family don't understand or agree, well too bad for them. Your Son's seem to be doing very well with their lives and that's most important. Bless you.
ReplyDeletethank you Nichole
Deletei am doing what i am meant to do as a mother i believe
They are just kids.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I can't understand this.
Have a great week
they are indeed Pedro
Deletethis wasn't best way to keep promise and this is common thinking of whole family members
Agradeça sempre a Deus por lhe ter dado uma mãe tão sábia forte. E por você minha amiga, pensar como ela. Lutar contra preconceitos estabelecidos não é nada fácil.
ReplyDeleteA sua família é linda.
Uma boa semana.
Um beijo.
big thanks for uplifting comment my dear Grace !
ReplyDeleteno doubt mothers are root from where we sprang and grew .this is indeed a grace of divine guide who shows right path who willing to walking under his grace .i am always full of gratitude for this guidance and strength God has blessed me so i can support my own family in their true passions
Great customs.
ReplyDeleteDifferent countries and cultures have varying views on marriage.
ReplyDeleteYour sons are doing very well, and in my opinion, it is good they are not being pressurised to marry.
Blessings to you dear Baili.
All the best Jan
i think everything has it's right time to be happen dear Jan
DeleteI will be back to read this post. Husband waiting to go to the store. I need to catch up here.
ReplyDeletea heartfelt thanks for dropping by dear Sandy ,hope your shopping goes good
DeleteI think you had the best and wise approach to caring for your sons.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of the quote 'If you love them give them wings'. A caged bird can never flourish to its full potential.
thank you dear Cheri
ReplyDeletei agree that we all are unique and born with unique qualities that need to find their way in this world if liberated and groomed with wisdom
Your sons are lucky to have you as a mother, Baili. No one should have to get married until they are ready to. I married for the first time when I was 23. That was too soon, and if I could do it over again I would wait until my late 20s at the very least. That's what would be right for me, and I think each person has the right to choose what is right for him or her. Marriage is a huge commitment! I wish each of your sons a fulfilling and happy life whatever path they follow. With you and Ali as parents, they have been set on the right path. Whatever their age, they need your continued unconditional love. When my first marriage failed, my parents were there to help me pick up the pieces and to support me when I found Terry. Hugs and love to you!
ReplyDeletereally sorry for the late response dear Louise !
ReplyDeletei am sorry for the first bad experience my friend !
my mother had to go through same pain but only her mother forced her to get married to man three times older than her ,she was in early teens horrible it sounds and shivering to this day. she wasn't lucky like you even in her second marriage but she got rid of domestic violence at least.
child marriages ban here either now but still people do such shameful stuff due to less care or check from authorities .
this is great grace of God that we both husband and wife are broad minded and support our children in their life persuasions
I appreciate the effort you put into researching and writing this...
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