Tuesday, September 13, 2022

Bright Note ,Bad Note And some Heart Talk


I am not feeling well since few days once again.  This phrase seems to be used so often in my posts now. My journey further to fifty has been started and I can already feel a quick downfall in my health. The flu and cold don’t leave me alone most of the time. Can’t say whether it is coincidence or what that the books I bought from Islamabad during my recent trip are mostly about “aging” and human nature. I did not know that James Hillman ‘s both books have content strongly about how we feel about “aging” and traits of human nature to face it differently. 

Writer has rich imagery and tremendous amount to say on the topic and beautiful way to say it all.  I am quite enjoying his views as I can relate to it to some extent though book deals more with issues people face in late elderly years such as late seventies or eighty particularly.


I felt like an older soul caged in a younger body for most of my existence except those few early magical years of married life when hubby and I shared some special   moments together and life seemed pretty off my usual track.

If I cut that piece of time precisely and put it aside, I am a person with strong wish to be invisible and enjoy the show silently. Help if can but stay off view. I don’t know the origin of this weird longing but because of this I had no issues that most of my female fellows had regarding ‘looks ‘This was comforting attitude that kept me free from so many ridiculous worries belong to youth.

Actually, there is a chapter in this book I am reading now days “The Force of Character “chapter 16.

 “The Return “in this writer James Hillman mentioned that according to recent research one third of all adult males and one quarter of all adult females in united states of America (I think in whole world presumably) would choose to stay permanently ages between fifteen and nineteen a life sentence to high school.

In writer’s word this is simply the longing for the beauty and strength belong to that age. The dreams and desires that moved us around with all their fantasies.

This makes me sick when I realize that I had went through this longing quite long ago why? 

I think I had my wish to return to my childhood stayed pretty much strong between forty to fifty and motive behind it seemed the desire to reunite with my parents while living in my beautiful lush native village. Both nurtured me equally.

Why this realization that encounters in fifty or sixty and stays until last years of life left me so earlier? 

I don’t know, I just know that this wish does not rise in my heart anymore. In fifty second year of my life, I lost it already.

Maybe I have just revealed the secret behind it. The longing for the “understanding of the life” and making my peace with it.

I am so happy I could see through my spiritual eyes at fifty what was invisible to woman of thirty or forty.

The strong urgency for "learning "that kept me bothered throughout the life seems to feel little calm with my efforts to learn. I can't say if i wish for longer life but life until i have control on my body is okay. Life with growing as human being and learning what was the obligation given to my soul and did i try to fulfill it ?

Bright Note first, a lady visited me last day and told that help from foreign countries is being distributed in the city, she visits me in a month regularly and she knew this because she was also the victim of recent brutal rainfall. She also said that people are registering for the receiving handsome amount of money from government for reconstruction of their houses .Oh that made my eyes teary with gratitude .Thank goodness that international help is reaching to right people.

Bad note, my laptop has been declared dead officially by two different repair men .he will be missed .i am sad a little because now i have to wait when my youngest son's laptop is free. but hey this is good that i have an opportunity atleast .

Another bad thing to share ,our internet device went off and after two days running hubby was informed that we have to wait for knew which can take quite time . Though hubby applied for new connection, and it was done today thankfully .

See you Soon friends .thank you for being kind support always !

God Bless you All!


  1. Glad you got a new connection quickly and I hope you feel better soon from this fu

  2. Hope you feel better soon. Glad you got a new connection quickly

  3. I enjoyed my teenage years. I would not wish to be that age again. That is a tough age to be. I am sorry you are not feeling well. I hope your health is better soon. Remember I need you to be here to wish me a happy 100th birthday.

    1. Thanks for heartwarming words dear Emma if with God 's will I live that long I would love to wish you on your 100th birthday :)

      I agree that youth is a very demanding age.. Demands that consume most of our time and energy though add hardly something useful to our life. I started to feel truly serene and happy when I began to realize that I am not in the spot light anymore what a relief

  4. I do hope you feel better soon, I send lots of positive thoughts and healing wishes to you :)

    All the best Jan

  5. I didn't enjoy my years from 15 to 19 so much as I enjoyed my years from 29 through my 30's and into my 40's. Now at 68 medical problems take a lot of my ability to have physical fun away, but I have the joy of my husband still, my 2 grown children, and my grandson who is 12 and his baby sister who is 20 months old and as happy and busy as she can be. I love watching them grow and change. It is miraculous. I also have good friends who I like to keep in touch with.

    There was a time a few years ago when suddenly I started feeling invisible when I went to stores or other public places. At first it depressed me, but now it feels like a relief, and I am accustomed to it.

    I hope you will feel better when the weather there gets better and problems from it are solved. I hope you can get everything fixed with your computers, too. Most of all I send wishes that you will feel better, stronger, and happier very soon. May all that is goodness come to you.

    1. First of all dear Susie heartfelt thank you for your kind response!

      Yes feeling invisible after thirty specially in the eyes of a husband seems common issue of majority of the women. I think this matters most when two people fall in love and choose to live with each other for life time. I too felt this in my early thirties. I don't know whether natural death hurts or not but I am such situation hurt a woman more than anything else. Though once one manage to survive through horrible suffering she step in the phase where she is able to understand that what happened was part of a "natural process that mother nature want us to go through. On the circumstances are calm husband and wife rediscover each other's better virsion most of the time.

      Youth makes one eye doll among others. You are center of the attention wherever you go. But when body melts away one's inner self or consciousness gets stronger and ready to show what it has got.
      Once o e is settled peacefully on this new ground this gs ahead are more exciting and intriguing.
      I had to take a tablet for allergy and after two days I am feeling better thankfully.
      Hubby is considering the matter of buying a new laptop for me. Let's see how long it will take.
      My heartfelt best wishes and prays for you and your family. MY friend

  6. Take care of you, baili.
    Fifty is a good age.
    Says the 58 year old me.

    1. I think every phase of the age is like one more step higher than the previous one so things must be viewed from there with better insight. How nice

  7. I've never herd of James Hillman. I will have to look him up.

    1. He was an American psychologist who has written many books regarding human psychology

  8. Sorry to read you are not that well I presume you haven't fully recovered from the Covid you had a while back - I don't mind ageing at all and take it in my stride, certainly can't do what I used to do but it doesn't bother me and never has and probably never will - that's just me, we are all different.
    It's pleasing the internet was done quickly but not so good to read your laptop has died/expired, however you are fortunate to be able to use your sons..
    Take care Baili and also I'm pleased 'aide' is getting to those that need it the most.

  9. Thank you dear Margaret

    If I am guessing right I sprayed a fly spry a week ago after sometime felt throat ache and sneezing and next I woke up with heavy head and light cold. As self medicine I took a tablet which was for allergy. It kept me drowsy for two days but since yesterday I am feeling better.

    I saw people who dread from the topic of the death or old age and don't want to talk about it at all.
    Energy levels dropping with age is normal but many people don't just give up or complain but try to stick with healthy routine so can keep up with growing age.
    Sadly no one could figure out why I can't comment though my son laptop though I can post. So until we buy new o e for me I will continue to comment through tablet

  10. Hi, Baili. I'm sorry to hear that you have not been feeling well. I do hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself.

  11. Hi Baili, What an interesting post! I was just listening to a podcast this morning in which the teacher said, perhaps the purpose of life is to learn how to live in a happy, contented way. It sounds to me like you discovered that at an early age. As for myself, I'm so happy that I did not get stuck at my level of maturity I had at high school age. :-) I hope you will feel better, physically, soon. I am much older than you and I can assure you that you can deal with getting older ... you just have to find the right "mind set" for yourself. I think you are on the right track. Thank you for your recent kind comments on my blog and I will be looking forward to hearing from you again soon. Best regards to you and yours from Seattle! John

    1. Thank you for sweet words dear John!

      We see that our learning starts with arrival in this world as child and goes till end of the life consciously or unconsciously. Learning is in my opinion is essential just like oxygen and other things necessary for living or surviving as living being. With time it is equally important like physical and material advancement to groom our soul and enrich it with serenity and wisdom that comes with constant learning I believe. Knowledge is "light" that enable us to see things that can remain invisible to us if we deny learning.
      I am truly grateful for this longing for learning in my soul though I hardly find time to fulfil it until now still I know now what I am going to do if get time in life ahead which is quite a relief

  12. I am so sorry to hear you are not well. Your posts are always a mixed bag of life and that is what life is a mixed bag of emotions. I hope you get well very soon.

  13. Hi, Baili!
    I'm sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. You and your country have been through so much recently! I'm glad that aid is beginning to get through finally. The news reports I've heard about Pakistan have been truly distressing. I am grateful, although I feel little guilty about wanting things to be better for you and your family, that you seem to be doing better than many. No one person is more deserving than another, but it's only human nature to want the people we care about to be surviving challenges better than people we don't feel connected to.

    Terry and I went to Yellowstone National Park this week. It felt wonderful to get out into nature and the wilderness again. We were surprised at how well we did physically. Terry and I have both improved so much healthwise in the past few weeks. We were able to go on actual long hikes and saw amazing geysers, thermal pools, and rocks. We were disconnected from the internet and the world for almost four days, and that was very good for us.

    We received very upsetting news on Thursday. My beloved sister Donnie has been diagnosed with leukemia. Everyone is stunned. But she is a fighter and very strong, so we are optimistic that she will survive this. We'll know Wednesday what stage she is in and how far her cancer has progressed. Terry and I will do anything we can to help her.

    No way would I want to be permanently aged 15-19! Those were very difficult years for me. I would like to have the body and strength I had when I was in my mid-30s. That said, I'm very grateful for who and what I am now. I sometimes feel invisible, but I have found that I can break through that feeling by smiling and engaging with others. So what if I'm not as pretty and right now my face and body are bloated and swollen from steroids. A big smile overcomes a lot.

    I do hope that you get a new computer soon, Baili! But you haven't let challenges stop you. You are amazing, my friend. Wishing you a great week and that you feel much better very soon!!! Hugs to you!

  14. Precious Louise!
    Right now when I am back from the kitchen after making tea for labour above on the roof top your comment felt like cool soothing breeze to my soul.

    I feel embarrassed to share that I am utterly naive and truly believe in equality of all. I feel that every one is born equal to treat justly by others regardless of color class and race.
    I suffered with terrible depression from my early teens to mid thirties. I felt I was caged in deep dark well where I could not breathe properly. And this feeling will dominate my heart completely when I would get some bad news about people who were victims of poverty or became crushed under unjust circumstances. Weeping like I lost some one close to me and looking terrible and sick.
    Such insane grieving ate up my important times of life.
    I am out of that dark well now though thankfully but still I have to be really careful with myself and emotional part of me that can take over if I show weakness.
    This is main reason I find it difficult to write about dark stories about ugliness of daily life. I want focus on bright side because I know now that we become what we think of. And I want to share this positivity because light is to spread and darkness is to erase.

    I felt relieved when heard about international aid reaching to deserving people. Specially learning about the government ' support for people who Lost their homes made uplifted my soul.
    You can hardly imagine how happy I felt when you mentioned about your good health during visit to Yellowstone Park. I was waiting for these words so long my beautiful friend!
    As I mentioned in my many posts beauty had little different meaning for me since I was a little girl. I used to visit my elderly friends and few of them who had accessibility would visit me because I found true beauty in them which was "wisdom" my second level attached to beauty was "character"
    Without these to physical appearance has no appel to me though my physical eye appreciate it frankly but it does not touch my heart.
    You are an extraordinary person. I ran after inspiration always amazing people with exceptional abilities people who believe in themselves and never give up.
    I saw one of the most beautiful woman in you a truthful extremely honest and strikingly wise and kind. I feel grateful for having you as a friend.
    I believe bet your "goodness" touches every heart though your lovely smile :)

    1. You are just the best, Baili! Such an uplifting and supportive friend!

  15. First of all, thank you, Baili, for your comment on my blog during my two-month summer break. My heart ached to have learnt the the damages caused by the “cruel rainfall” of your country. There is so much that is out of our control. When your body is not fully recovered from the last disease, your mental and physical strength tend to go downward. However, good thing and bad thing sit side by side. 50s is prime time of life. Wish you recover soon.


    1. Thank you dear Yolo
      Things are improving but very slowly.

  16. I hope you feel better soon.

    I try not to think of my age too much. I just try to carry on being me.

  17. First, Baili, like so many of your blog friends have said, hope that you are feeling better as it is really no fun not feeling well and for a long time. We are both thankful to have not had any major illnesses, including you-know-what. We are cautious, but not to the point of not being out and about to enjoy life within limits. Getting older is not pleasant because we remember our younger days maybe far too often. That said, to accept aging is better for one’s mental state than to fear it, which I believe actually makes one feel older, if that makes any sense. There is no avoiding the aging process.

    Thanks, as always, for your recent comment on my blog post. I will be sure to let Patrick (Grenville) know that you liked his t-shirt, and nice of you to remember his actual name and mine😀

  18. I think aging hurt most until we accept it as part of natural process dear Dorothy once we are familiar to it and learn to deal with it wisely we see how much treasured this part of life is for us. To live it to fullest we have to transfer our focus to it by moving it from livelihoods of youth and dread of future days. Once settled in we can live the older age with dignity and mindfmindfulness that can delay or omit the helplessness of time ahead.

    I never forget your names since read in one of the your previous posts because I love originally more: )
    We are falling I'll time to time since returned from Islamabad and delay to find the doctor we experienced for more than two weeks has quite deal to do with our sickness I think.
    We have visited the doctor few times and i hope it works for us in future


Protected by Copyscape DMCA Copyright Protection