Thursday, April 28, 2022

The Stuff That Belongs To My Heart Only

 Despite of  extreme heat (44 c) longer days seems to have fascinating beauty. Where short cold day of winters make me sit on cozy sofa in my spare time while holding a favorite book in one hand and hot cup of tea in other hand, hot and longer days of summer invite to daydream and get lost in beautiful memories of past while being busy in sweltering chores . I enjoy both as i have entered in phase where i don't put condition for being happy but embrace the present moment with all the venture or adventure it offers. 

I was always a content child in the house ,most silent and most obedient one, yes in other words pathetic and duffer lol .Still i used to have some favorite conditions quietly for being happy as little girl  such as swinging and playing with friends ,climbing on hills and trees and watching tv in early teens(11 to twelve years)  though later only climbing trees and playing with friends were eliminated when as growing girl going out was forbidden but swinging in yard tree , reading books watching tv ,listening radio and visiting favorite places like friend's house ,park or museum were my favorite conditions to feel happy . As  i grew old my conditions to be happy  changed gradually. 

After marriage i saw new face of reality and slowly i learnt in these thirty years that as far as we put conditions to be happy we remain restrained and  unaware of numerous possibilities  that can be open to us as chance of learning so many new things and adopting ways that can refresh our perspective and widen our horizons for bettering life. 

I found this quote by Charles Swindoll so true in latter years of my life that ,

"  Life is Ten percent what happens to you and Ninety percent how you respond to it " biggest truth of life i must say.

I consider myself fortunate that i learnt not to repeat my mistakes by self analysis and never hesitated to acknowledge my weaknesses and eliminating them one by one . But it did not start smoothly of course.

 Life is strange and totally unpredictable and i learnt this slowly when after departing from my mother i was put into situations where i felt "stuck" in the beginning. Each condition put to be happy was denied and rejected ruthlessly others with authority. One after one wherever i knocked i faced "closed" door. While this compression was narrowing the world on me i realized that at the same time it was opening the door inside me of my Inner world little by little. It happened in many years that i felt that "easiness" and "availability " of things at time we want them  also have another side of the picture though we don't see it mostly until the Designer of this life unveils it for us to look at  this through glasses of  hard lessons which turn our eyes towards it eventually. 

We all speak through personal experiences and my experience makes me think that each of us is destined to do something particular in life. Some of us know already what it is and some of us are totally unaware of it though this "awareness" or "unawareness" both are part of destiny written in the book of Nature ( my opinion) .They both seems to don't matter because those who are Unaware of the meaning of their life are also lead mysteriously to do what they are meant to.

As being from lower middle class family i had no agenda for life but a little dream to earn for mom and comfort her. Uncharmed by everything that comes under the definition of "worldly stuff" i had my simple foolish heart with enormous love for life ,Nature and everything created within it. No Skills at all except honesty and simplicity. I was pointed out by some that with such empty hands i will be lost and left alone. Only i knew the peace i had within me .It was second most precious thing to me after my self respect which i tried to protect throughout the life. I was content with this peace but only i knew this.

That peace inside my heart was tiny like a sand particle laying in the desert but after all these years the fighting against negativity risen by circumstances or applied one i see how that tiny sand particle is transformed into a sun that shines within my soul ! When i contemplate the reason behind it i feel it is the "compression" and constant attempt of trying to make me feel "bad" . After keeping me puzzled with question "why me" for some years my curiosity to learn and achieve solution by digging to the roots of problems helped me to understand and feel good about what was going on . I remained upset until i felt panic about "what were they doing to me "  But when i realized after reaching out to the bottom  "why they were doing to me at first place" i felt better and calm . My response to their actions changed immediately and i chose to face the problem by following the laws of Nature . If you try to stop the flow of water it turns in other direction and if you try to hold it by surrounding it with walls water still makes it's way towards sky in the form of vapors ,you can change the direction of water but not what it written in it's destiny as "water" 

So similarly i tried to fill holes (free time)with replacements of things that were conditions for my timely happiness. It was beginning of my new journey as student of life . The replacements i chose to fill holes of spare time reconnected me with my genuine love for learning. My passion for learning is growing everyday and if life stays and allows i think i will try to restart my studies though now i know what will i choose to learn. Anything that give clues about the origin of life ,math physics or neuroscience yes i am deeply interested in human brain and mind and how they both interact ,this is enchanting thing to learn indeed.

Although i know i have nothing but fondness for learning i hope Nature has written some success in my destiny in this field too as being a human a daughter ,sister ,wife, a mother i supported all whole  heartedly .I did not do it intentionally but because it was installed in my genes as i know i am born with instinct to put others first so it was my destiny i believe. I want to see whether Nature supports me to achieve what i want to as a woman. The wish to study and be "something" is also part of destiny and still as poignant as it was thirty years ago all i want the answer destiny has for this .

Love you all !

Please take great care !



27 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post, Baili, and I especially liked the quote from Charles Swindoll that "Life is Ten percent what happens to you and Ninety percent how you respond to it." In my childhood, I did not have my neighborhood friendships, save a couple, and so learned that being alone is not a "bad" thing. I am quite content with reading, going for a walk, becoming immersed in activities that interest me even if I am doing them alone. Sometimes, this has been preferable to trying to interest others in the same things.

    Your ongoing quest for knowledge and learning is evident in so many of your posts. I am also interested in the brain and mind, but physics and math not at all.

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    1. dear Dorothy i feel that Nature makes some special people who can stay with her only :) yes this is what i used to think when i in my mid twenty realized that i am different and than i thought back about my childhood and found that i was always friend for all despite we had group of few girls who were close (two of them are still in contact ) still i thought that i was different because i was weird . that realization was hard to deal with , i mingled it with other things and it burdened my heart for few years . it took some long time to understand that everyone is different and has unique nature . what i lacked was diplomacy and desire to fit in which made me look different .
      Later gradually i gained better understanding of things and life that like all other things we study as human we the human being too have reason for being what we are and for what we want to be in life .that was reliving indeed. It gave me strength to face life more practically and courage to find out what is meaning of my existence here .
      i am content with both whether i am alone or i have to be in crowd because i have no issues mixing with people who have different ideas and thoughts about life and everything . i like to listed what they think and say and i try to obtain what can be good for adding up in my knowledge .
      though loneliness was my priority since beginning ,i loved being alone specially if i am close to nature ,my biggest personal joy to dive deep into the nature whether it is sky ,meadows ,hills ,stream or trees .it is most comforting thing to have in life fr me

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  2. Yes, that quotation by Charles Swindoll is very true indeed, but it's a hard lesson to learn and accept!

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    1. so true dear Debra that it is hard lesson to learn and accept . when we are young we think everything is nice and smooth and most of them will remain as it is according to our will . But this is not the plan of Nature actually .With our same cool and easy way of thinking we can live like aa pond that stays at one place and that makes it's water stink at some point ,nature want to shake us and break us to reshape our thinking system and that is most important to grow a better and purposeful life . we all read or listen such interviews of famous people who established something better in life after going through such odds that seemed to destroy them at first but with their will power they rise above their ashes and turn into something bigger and better .nature indeed works in mysterious ways

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  3. I am sure you can do it, Baili! Now your kids are (almost) grown. You have time to study. Who knows what you will do, but you are already doing it I think! 😃

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    1. you are the so sweet dear Sandi :) as the way you said it with such ease it makes me to think about it is happening easily and a " thought" is very first step towards any action as they say so :)

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  4. You write so beautifully dear friend! I enjoy hearing about your childhood and things that you enjoyed as a child, and how they've changed now that you are an adult. Life is always a challenge, and always changing, i pray that that the Lord helps you to find the perfect place that He has for you! With love, hugs and blessings!

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    1. thank you for your pray dear Marilyn ! i think "change" is other name of life as we know nothing in this universe including universe itself is "still" everything is changing in some way and somehow all the time ,being part of this constantly changing scenario we face changes throughout the life and we know that these "changes " serve" us according to the we we respond to them .

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  5. this post gave me an idea of why you study things around you and try to make sense of them in your life. More of us should think about what we're doing here.

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    1. i think learning is the key to open doors of hidden realities of this world dear Red . all i remember that i was born with curious and pondering mind. spending hours in staring at Nature would bring me nothing but serenity as young girl ,like unconsciously i wanted to see what is all this ,who created it and why . This desire to learn grew up with me and seems to compel me to come over and restart the process of learning with more clarity and determination.

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  6. Again, I am amazed by your poetic writing - it really is ...poetic and beautiful.

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    1. a beautiful artist like you can find beauty in my simple raw writings dear Sandy :)

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    2. your writings are more than raw...come from your soul ..

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    3. not sure my comments are going through... so testing again.

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  7. And we complain about how hot it is in Macau!!
    44 degrees???
    Don't melt! :)))
    Have a nice weekend

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    1. we have desert near our city dear Pedro and this makes it more hot probably ,i obviously don't like sweating a lot and for seven to eight months :(

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  8. You think deeply, and you will find a way to learn the things that interest you. I am sure of that. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and memories with us. I wish more people would be contented, instead of always rushing to get the next shiny toy!

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    1. From where i saw and see the world my precious friend Jenny everything looks meaningful and for reason and seems to have pattern set by someone with supreme power .i say so because since beginning i looked for connection between things and maker consciously or unconsciously so for me thinking this way seems so natural and normal as a human being and as a person indulged with so many relationships .
      i like you a lot and i don't know how to define how captivating are your words to me always .thank you for being kind always !
      i don't know about life in future and what possibilities it posses for an old woman like me but i know what i want to do and what can i do to make it happen if get chance . i like having such mindset actually as compared to many nice friends whom i always encourage to get more education and enhance knowledge .they giggle most probably on my simplicity but you see each of us try to convey what he has :)

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  9. dear Jenny this is sad that people of modern age have fallen in love of material and everyone want to win this race without thinking of other who can fall and come under feet meanwhile .
    Most of us has chosen to live through bodies so feeding their desires is the only task for them and they are following it blindly .only few think that they are given gift of life to flourish spiritually too .we should definitely advance but not just physically but we should also enrich our souls because they are actual subject to groom and glow to find true meaning of life and to live in harmony with nature and all creations within it. often and most of us remain unaware of this divine reality of life or probably like to ignore it completely . they spent their physical life in suffering while achieving goals that have nothing to do with their actual purpose of life nor they can bring them true peace of mind ever sadly.

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  10. A lovely, thought filled post. I too like the quote. Have a blessed day my friend.

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  11. Always a pleasure to read your words ...

    Your temperatures seem very hot at the moment, take care as you enjoy your days.

    All the best Jan

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  12. Que tenha sempre tempo para ser feliz e fazer o que mais aprecia. Foi um gosto ler este seu texto.
    Uma boa semana com muita saúde.
    Um beijo.

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  13. Baili what a wonderful sharing post. That quote from Charles Swindoll is one of my favorites. It seems as if life is a process...we grow and then we lean a bit and then grow more until we find who we were meant to be - never by our own design but by Our Father God's wonderful love and patience with each of us. Perhaps as we grow older we mature enough to know what truly matters the most in our lives. Have a beautiful day friend. Hugs!

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  14. Our experiences in life lead to who we are today.

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  15. The Charles Swindoll quote is so true, Baili! Too many times I don't respond as I should. I pray that you will have a chance to study as you long to do. I am in awe of all that you have managed to learn, given how busy you are as a wife, mother, and housekeeper. Terry and I had a busy week which included medical appointments among other things. Both he (heart) and I (thyroid) received encouraging outlooks from our doctors. I'm feeling like my former, energetic self again. Wishing you a happy week! Love to you and your family.

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